My Aunt Gertrude from Australia
switched off the radio and said, “Well that’s a load of old nonsense, cobber;
if ever I heard some!”
I bit into my toast with ginger marmalade and asked,
semi-expecting her unusual take on another world problem, “What’s that Auntie?”
“Those fellas on the radio,” she said, “they were talking
about global warming. The planet is getting warmer, they said, and it will melt
the polar ice cap and we’ll all drown as the sea level rises!”
“Oh …” I exclaimed “better start taking swimming lesson
then!”
“If the polar cap melts,” she asked, “will it be the North
Pole or the South one?”
“I dunno. Both I suppose.” I replied putting down my cup of
coffee.
“Well, I’ll go back to Adelaide
and I’ll be all right then!” she said nonchalantly.
I must admit I never thought I’d be grateful for global
warming and ice caps melting if it meant her going back to Australia.
But, after a moment’s pause I asked her to explain.
“Well cobber,” she said, “if the North polar cap melts then
all the water will flood you lot in Europe and the North
and I’ll be in Australia
safe and sound!”
I nodded and said nothing.
“And if the South Pole melts, the water will not rise up the
globe towards Australia
will it? It will drip down into space just like when you get your head out of
the water tub. The water drips down not rise up!”
I’ll admit to having learnt something new about the whole
issue of the environment and changing weather patterns. Before I could say
anything Aunt Gertrude continued.
“Besides …” she said, “assuming that this global warming
thing is actually man-made, and not just a freak of nature … a bit like you …
then we should do something about it, cobber!”
I ignored the badly-veiled insult, and asked her what we
should do.
“We should stop lighting candles for a start,” she declared,
“candles create a lot of heat for no reason. Can you imagine how many candles
are lit in the world at any one time? Candles in romantic settings in
restaurants, at the dinner table at home, in the bath … struth … what is the
purpose of candles in a bath tub? Candles in churches ... candles on birthday
cakes ... wherever you turn people are lighting candles. Now that’s a lot of
unnecessary heat I tell you!”
This was proving to be quite a scientific lesson from my
Aunt. Who would have thought that the world’s problems could be down to one
simple solution? I ventured an opinion and suggested we stop using barbecues
too.
“Watch it cobber!” she retorted back, “when we Australians
have barbies it is for a purpose; and that is to enjoy the great outdoors with
a nice bit of steak and a can of amber nectar. Not a triangular cucumber
sandwich and a cup of tea like you do.”
I waved a mental white flag and retreated. You can never win
an argument with Aunt Gertrude.
“And another thing,” she declared triumphantly, “it
mentioned on the radio that another reason for global warming is cows breaking
wind. Apparently they break a lot of wind and this upsets the ozone layer or
something like that; and it heats up the planet.”
“Unlike the kangaroo” she continued, “the kangaroo cannot
actually pass wind. Its guts do not have the necessary bacteria to create the
gassy emissions which make up a fart! So you cannot blame us Australians for
global warming.”
I bit my lip and poured myself another cup of coffee.
“So scientists should establish how to treat cows so that
they behave just like kangaroos” explained Auntie Gertrude with authority, “and
they can start by experimenting on you!” she smiled as she left the room.