Thursday 28 September 2017

The Radio Interview

Years ago I used to present radio programs. The most difficult types were the ones were you have to interview someone. No matter how well you prepared, and often they were impromptu interviews without preparation, especially news items, there was often one interviewee who would prove the ultimate in difficulty. 

INTERVIEWER - Hello and welcome to Local News Talk the program that tells you what's been happening in and around where you live right now.

Today we are out in the Market Square, just by the statue of the Ravaged Parrot, and we have with us here Marcus. That is not his real name, by the way. He has asked not to be identified for personal reasons.

Hello Marcus.

MARCUS - Hello.

INTERVIEWER - Now Marcus is not your real name, is that right?

MARCUS - Yes. My real name is James Nott.


JAMES - That's correct.

INTERVIEWER - And you were an eye-witness to what happened here this morning.

JAMES - Wait a minute ... you have just identified me.

INTERVIEWER - No I haven't.

JAMES - Yes you have. You've told everyone my real name. James Nott!

INTERVIEWER - No I haven't. I simply stated that Marcus was not your real name and then you confirmed it as James Nott. So it is you who identified yourself.

JAMES - And ... and ... why are there no cameras? I was told that I would be on national TV.

INTERVIEWER - This is a radio interview for Radio Desperate. We have nothing to do with any TV stations.

And ... incidentally, if you were to appear on TV how would you explain your alias as Marcus when people would probably recognise you as James Nott anyway?

JAMES - I would have appeared on TV as incognito!

INTERVIEWER - I see ... anyway. This is radio only. Now tell us James Nott, in your own words, what did you see?

JAMES - Are we broadcasting live now?

INTERVIEWER - Yes ... Tell our listeners what you saw.

JAMES - Well ... this morning as the market traders were setting up their stalls, a horse came running from over there ...

INTERVIEWER - Don't point, James. This is radio only. The listeners cannot see you point.

JAMES - But what about the TV camera?

INTERVIEWER - There are no cameras. This is radio only. Anyway ... you were saying?

JAMES - The horse came from over there ...

INTERVIEWER - Don't point ...

JAMES - Sorry ... the horse came from where that red car is parked ...

INTERVIEWER - The listeners can't see the car either. Dear listeners, let me explain, the horse allegedly came from the High Street, just by the Poor Peoples' Bank. We have to say allegedly for legal reason in case what we say is not accurate.

JAMES - What do you mean?

INTERVIEWER - Well, in case someone denies that it happened. Or that it was a horse that caused the incident.

JAMES - You mean it could have been an elephant? I know a horse when I see one. Are you calling me a liar?

INTERVIEWER - No, of course not ... please continue ...

JAMES - Well ... the horse, or the dinosaur, or whatever other creature it was, came from where the red car is parked over there, ran through here, toppled this stall and then jumped over this one, hit that bicycle that's all broken on the ground, and then escaped this way down there.

INTERVIEWER - One moment James. The listeners can't see all the things you're pointing at. You saw a horse come running from the High street ...

JAMES - Yes ...It was at least that high, a big animal it was, or it could have been a bit smaller. It was difficult to tell because he was going so fast. I would say it was perhaps this high. It was a he .. I could tell because it was obvious by his ...

INTERVIEWER - Yes ... I understand ...

JAMES - He was a dark brownish beast; perhaps a little black but not too black in colour, more dark grey brownish I would say. It was almost exactly the colour of that wooden fence over there. Which he did not break by the way when the horse jumped over it. It was already broken. And also ... I can say for definite ... not allegedly or anything like that ...

INTERVIEWER - Thank you James. That's all we have time for.

Well, dear listeners ... This has been the most difficult interview I have ever conducted. I am now leaving this way, to go over there, to that pub near here, where I will have a pint or three of drinks to help me recover.

Saturday 23 September 2017


I blame Noah ...

What was he thinking?
Why did he bother to get mosquitoes, wasps, scorpions
and all other creepy crawly bad creatures
on his boat?

Warped sense of humour - I think !!!


Noah was a farmer.
He was the first man to ever plant a vineyard.
He made wine, drank it, and became drunk.
He then took off all his clothes,
and lay naked in his tent.
His son Ham, (what a name),
saw Noah naked and
he took photos with his cell-phone
and posted them on Facebook.
GENESIS 9:20-22.

Monday 18 September 2017


Thursday 14 September 2017


Quentin Ravioli

Years ago, Quentin generously paid for my dog to be put down, and then he helped me bury him.

He was an Alsatian. The dog, not Quentin. I believe that Quentin was from Scotland. 

He was seventeen at the time. The dog, not Quentin. Quentin was about twenty five, I believe.

He used to follow me everywhere. The dog that is, not Quentin. He used to follow me to the fishmongers were I used to buy crabs and lobsters.

He was very intelligent and quick witted. Quentin, not the dog. The dog has been long dead. One day I asked Quentin "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which he promptly replied, "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."

Quentin was good at languages. One year he went to France on holiday and saw an old lady in  Montmartre in Paris sitting on the sidewalk knitting. He asked her, “Voulez vous crochet avec moi?”

On another occasion he impressed his friends at a restaurant by ordering the whole meal in Italian. The waiter did not understand a word though. It was a Greek restaurant.

He once bought a book on-line entitled  “How to get your own back on your neighbour”. Unfortunately he was out when it was delivered and the postman left the book next door.

His next door neighbours never got out of the house. They were agoraphobic anorexics. Bet they had some skeletons in the cupboard.

Quentin was a keen gardener. Always in his garden planting something or other. He was a bit OCD and he told me once that he always plants his herbs in alphabetical order. I asked him "where do you find the time?" He replied, "It’s there next to the sage."

A kind hearted person, Quentin was. Once at a pub he noticed a guy had passed out at a table nearby. The bartender told him the man is Mr. Peters, and asked Quentin if he could drive him home. Quentin agreed and the bartender wrote down the address and gave it to him.

Quentin tried to wake Peters, but Peters was groggy and quite drunk. Quentin helped him to his feet, but Peters fell to the floor in a crashing heap.

He took him by the arm and practically dragged him out to the car. Once there, he leant him against the side of his car while he looked for his keys. The man slid down to the ground again.

Eventually Quentin drove the man to the address the bartender gave him. He opened the passenger door and helped Peters out and he fell to the ground again!

He got him to his door and said to Peters' wife, "Hi, your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she replied looking around ... "But where's his wheelchair?"

And that's Quentin Ravioli for you. A man of many parts ... none of which worked properly. We shall miss him sorely. Because he keeps moving!

Monday 11 September 2017

Investigating your bedroom habits

I am conducting a research project for the University of Rest and I would be grateful if you would take part in our information gathering exercise. Let me assure you that all information will be treated in the strictest confidence and data will be gathered anonymously by researchers who will not divulge their identity to anyone.

First some background:

We are researching whether sleeping in a North/South position in your bed in alignment with the earth's North/South magnetic polarity affects the way you sleep. Will you have a restless night and possibly have nightmares too? Or will it make no difference? How is your sleep affected if you slept in an East/West position instead?

In order to gather data for our research we went out and asked peoples' views and experiences on the matter.

First, we visited a street in a nearby town which coincidentally is aligned exactly in an East/West direction.

Let's look at the Diagram below:

We visited the man in House A and discovered that his bed is beside the side wall of his house and therefore he sleeps in exactly a North/South alignment. He did admit that he has often not slept well and he sometimes has nightmares.

In order to build up our data of evidence we visited his neighbour living in House B. As luck would have it, this man's bed is aligned with the back wall of the house and therefore he sleeps exactly in an East/West direction. This man said that he often sleeps soundly and wakes up refreshed and ready for a new day.

Encouraged with our findings so far, we went to Houses C and D but there was no one there to answer the door.

We visited other houses down the road and received a variety of responses ranging from, "Mind your own **** business you pervert," to "If you don't go away I'll call the police you **** **** **** !!!"

Undeterred, and fearful for our safety, we rushed to another part of town to continue with our research.

Unfortunately, not all streets run exactly in and East/West direction as in the diagram above. Our towns and cities are built and have grown over the years in all sorts of directions and it is not always possible to live in a house facing exactly North in order to test the validity of our experiment.

We ended up in a street which runs at an oblique to the rest of town, so armed with our compass, we continued with our research.

The Diagram below illustrates the point:

In this street, the man in house A is not sleeping in a North/South position. He is more North/West. He reported that sometimes he sleeps well and wakes up refreshed, whereas at other times he has a disturbed night. This proved inconclusive either way, so we recorded what he said and moved on to his neighbour in House B.

The man in house B sleeps in a North/East direction. He said that sometimes he sleeps so soundly that he does not hear the alarm clock in the morning. At other times, however, he has nightmares, especially if he has eaten a lot of cheese before going to bed.

Discouraged, we certainly were. But we did not give up. We went to House C and asked the man to leave his bed as it is, aligned with the side of the house, but, having loaned him our compass, we asked him to sleep at an oblique and exactly in a North/South direction. (See Diagram above).

The next morning we visited him and he said that not only did he not sleep well, but he also had a cricked neck because his head was overhanging the edge of the bed.

We went to House D and asked the young couple there if they would be willing to sleep in a North/South position and report their findings to us.

The next day they reported that they nearly both fell off the bed sleeping in that position at an angle to the bed. They ended up having a great argument and the husband had to go downstairs and sleep on the couch, whilst his wife locked herself in the bedroom.

When we asked him in which direction he slept on the couch he threatened us with physical violence.

So it's over to you, our readers.

Would you be willing to share with us in which direction you sleep and whether you have noticed any difference in your sleep patterns or the quality of your dreams.

Finally, we have discovered conclusively that sleeping hanging upside down from a hammock is not affected by the direction of the magnetic pull of the earth, but is dangerous because you can fall off and smash your head on the floor.

Saturday 9 September 2017

Beware of stubbornness

It is said that Moses took 40 years to travel from Egypt through the desert to the Promised Land. Considering the distance involved this must have been incompetence to the highest degree … perhaps he was going round in circles.

I reckon that unbeknown to him, Mrs Moses was asking for directions secretly and, when appropriate, she pointed him in the right way to go.

Being a woman, she allowed him to take all the credit for getting there at last.

Moral of the story:

Never rely on what you think you know. Always consider the possibility that you may be wrong. (Especially if your wife tells you so).

Another moral of the story:

How often do we do as God tells us?

Thursday 7 September 2017

When Disaster Strikes



"Why would a merciful God allow these disasters to happen?"

God is not Superman.

He does not fly from one disaster to another putting right the results of earthquakes, floods or famines.

Can He do these things if He wanted to? The answer is YES. Then; "Why would a merciful God allow these disasters?"

In reality, God has two choices: 

To interfere every time something goes wrong and put it right. Whether it is a disaster, an illness, or someone evil does something wrong like murder, robbery or whatever. 

Or, in His wisdom and generosity, He could allow us the full freedom to do and think what we want. Even to the point of not believing in His existence if this is what we want to do.

When He created us, because He loves us, He gave us the full freedom to do as we wish. He has not washed His hands of us though and left us to our own devices. He does listen to our prayers, and often, He does respond.

When people ask, "Why does He allow bad things to happen?" There are two answers to this:

1 Why do WE allow bad things to happen all around us and do nothing about it?

2 He allows bad things to happen to give us the opportunity to love one another.