Wednesday 16 October 2013






The events in this book are all true. I have omitted a lot of the medical details as they may be upsetting to some readers. I hope and pray that what I write here may be of some help to someone somewhere facing a crisis in their lives.  

At our darkest hour, or at any other time, God is near at hand ensuring that His will be done for us. All we need do is trust Him.


On 27th September 2013 I went to my local hospital for a routine check-up. Nothing particularly serious and I had not been previously ill.

I was all ready, wearing nothing but those hospital gowns open at the back, and waiting my turn to be seen. As soon as the nurse put a needle in my arm to prepare me for sedation I felt a sharp pain in my chest. The doctor was called, they withdrew the needle, and gave me some medication.

I was put on a trolley and wheeled at speed to Cardiac Department. The pain was on and off at various degrees of hurt.

At Cardiac Department they said they’d put in some stents. Routine. No problem.

I was made to lie right down on my back and they took several X rays or whatever photos they take in such cases. I was turned to my left and right side; more photos.

I waited on the trolley. The doctors were discussing my case in Conference. Someone came and told me they were not going to put in stents. I remember a voice saying one artery is totally blocked, two are 95% blocked and a fourth is getting blocked not sending much oxygen to the heart. In effect, it’s a surprise I was still alive.

They shared my X rays with another hospital some 30 miles away via the Internet. The other hospital asked for me to go there.

I was put in an ambulance. In my daze, effects of the injections or whatever they gave me to ease the pain, I could hear voices saying “Have we got the defibrillator? Have got this and that?” And so on.

Apart from the two ambulance drivers, there were four or five other people standing around me at the back of the ambulance as I lay on the trolley. The ambulance drove away at speed with siren blaring and lights flashing. I felt every bump on the road, sudden stop and sharp turns left and right.

We arrived at the other hospital. I was wheeled in and they took several other X Rays or photos.

They decided to operate there and then. I was prepared for the operation and remember being wheeled through several corridors. It was Friday the 27th.

The next thing, someone awakened me in the afternoon of Saturday the 28th.

I had suffered a heart attack and they carried out a triple by-pass surgery.

My timing, or God’s timing to be precise, was perfect. I was at the right place at the right time when I suffered the heart attack. That saved my life.


The next two or three days left me in some sort of daze. I was cared for by an excellent team of doctors and nurses. I was in a room with five other beds – Critical Care Department. By each bed there was a computer on a stand and a nurse or two there at all times. As each nurse left they handed over to another nurse who logged in on the computer and read my progress. Nurses checked me every two hours day and night – temperature, blood pressure and so on. A team of doctors visited at least once a day. 

They tried to get me to eat something but I couldn’t. Eventually I had a couple of spoons of ice cream.

On the third or fourth night after the operation I awoke with a start in the middle of the night. It was just after 1.00 in the morning. I was in a cold sweat. Suddenly I had seen my reality in a dream. There I was lying on my back in bed unable to move my arms or legs or anything. Motionless and wide awake.

All my life I had been very active and self-assured. Able to make managerial decisions at work and provide for my family. Always in control and always planning ahead and prepared for most eventualities.

And now I was lying there motionless like an insignificant squashed insect. Unable to move.

The thought frightened me. The words “insignificant insect” reverberated in my mind again and again. I felt vulnerable. I remembered Paul on the way to Damascus. Powerful leader of men persecuting Christians, when suddenly he was off his horse and blind. Totally helpless, vulnerable and unable to do anything without someone’s help.

In my tiredness I must have switched off.

Half an hour or so later, the same dream, the same awakening in a start. It was about 1:30 am on the clock on the wall behind the nurse standing by the computer at my feet.

Insignificant insect.

And again and again it happened. Just after 2.00am after 2:40am and so on three or four times. It was as if the message had to be imprinted and understood in my mind.

The nurse approached me and said “You’re having a bad time sleeping. Are you in pain?”

I replied “Do you believe in God?”

The nurse certainly did believe. So I asked “Why did I not die? I could have died at my local hospital when first observed. I could have died in their Cardiac Department. In the ambulance on the way to this hospital. On the operating table. Any time. Why did I not die?”

“It is not your time yet!” was the calm reply.

God must want something of me, I thought, as I fell asleep once again.

The following night another revelation repeated itself in my mind. I awoke again and the words “Unless a grain of wheat is crushed …” repeated over and again. Just those few words. I remembered Christ’s words about a grain dying to produce a plant and more wheat. But in my mind only the short unfinished sentence repeated over and again until tiredness took over and I fell asleep.


The following night another dream. I must stress that the dreams did not involve sceneries and people I knew, or various situations like normal dreams. It was just a sentence I could see written clearly in my mind’s eye.

Last night it was “Unless a grain of wheat is crushed”.

This time it was “To know yourself you must get to know yourself.”

What could this possibly mean? The sentence repeated there in my mind until I fell asleep. When I awoke it was still there.

Over and over again the words remained in my mind as I tried to make sense of them.

Eventually, as if someone was explaining it to me, the sentence clarified. Do we really know ourselves? Not our names, our background, family lineage and so on. But do we really know ourselves?

When you meet a new person, a new friend perhaps, you “get to know them” over time. Their likes and dislikes, their views and opinions, their life experiences and so on.

But do we ever “get to know” ourselves? What are our views and opinions based on? Our prejudices even; because we all have prejudices no matter how well we hide them from ourselves. Our views on other peoples’ beliefs, dress styles, hair styles, accents, backgrounds, social standings and so on. What are all our views based on? Are they based on others’ opinions which we follow blindly? Or are they based on well thought out and evaluated criteria, based on right and wrong, based on good wholesome values, based on peoples’ behaviours and actions rather than on their looks.

Basically, what exactly makes us tick? Why do we behave the way we do? Blind prejudice or well thought out opinions based on facts?

“To know yourself you must get to know yourself.”

Who am I? Why did I behave in a certain way in the past? Or thought and acted in a certain way?

Do I really know myself? Now’s the time to get to know oneself.

God certainly know us even if we don’t know ourselves.


My fourth dream was just as strange a day later. Again no sceneries or storyline. Just a sentence there in my mind.

“The dichotomy between our own free will to behave and do as we want and God’s will be done.”

Now this sentence was really strange. For a start, never in my life did I use or would have used such a word as “dichotomy”. I don’t even know what it means. So where did this phrase come from? Had I heard or read it somewhere and now it came to the surface in my mind?

As before, the sentence repeated in my mind making no sense at all as I fell asleep again.

Eventually, as if someone was explaining it to a child, a thought developed in my mind.

We have all been given a free will by God to behave as we wish. He did not create a race of robots following His every wish, but free people able to decide freely for themselves whether to believe in Him and follow Him or not. That is His gift to us.

However, as we “get to know Him” and love Him our free will is, or should be, that in everything His will be done.

Wow … that thought overwhelmed me. It should be my free will to trust Him so much that to accept that in all eventualities His will be done. It’s as if I’m returning His gift of free will to me and saying “thank you, but I trust you so much that I accept Your will in all events.”

No matter whether the outcome of a situation is good or bad. I should accept His will be done in full confidence and knowledge that it will work out for the best. No ifs, no buts, no not withstanding the afore mentioned clause, or any other legalise you may wish to add. 

In all situations we should trust Him so much that we freely accept that His will be done.

The amount of self-control and trust to give all situations totally to God must be really enormous and require great concentration.


It didn’t take long for God to test my new resolve. Again, without mentioning any medical details, a few days later I was lying on my back in bed and listening to medics talking in their own language.

Of course I was frightened. What’s to happen now? But I concentrated as much as I could concentrate, “Thy will be done. No matter the outcome. Good or bad. I trust You. Thy will be done.”

Eventually, all went well.

I heard a thought in my mind, “Don’t forget to say thank you!”

I asked God “Why do You test me so much when you already know how I’ll behave?”

I wonder what He made of my impertinence.


The day finally arrived for me to go home and recuperate. On that morning, at about 6.00am, I felt terrible pains down my spine, across my shoulders at the back and front, and in various places on my chest. I called a nurse.

Again, no medical details, but I was soon surrounded by half a dozen nurses and doctors, all working together to sort out what had happened.

In my pain I prayed “Thy will be done. No matter the outcome. Please make the pain go away.”

Then I asked myself, “Is it OK to say make the pain go away?” Is this not taking back control from God?

Then I remembered that many people asked Jesus to make their pain go away. The deaf, the mute, the blind and the lame. Many people asked for his help and He did have pity on them and healed them.

So it’s OK to ask for help from God and it is not contrary to His will being done.

Eventually the medics sorted me out. They said my timing (God’s timing) was again perfect. What happened to me could well have happened after I left hospital.

I am now at home recuperating. God’s will be done.


I am not saying or claiming that these dreams or messages were from God. They may well have been. I do realise that many people don’t even believe in God and they may well have their own theories and opinions as to the origin or source of these dreams. Some may even mock; in which case I am glad I gave them the opportunity to smile or chuckle.

I believe in God, and I report here just what happened.

At no time in my “near death experience” were there bright lights, visions of angels or saints or dearly departed relatives or friends. Just the dreams as mentioned.

There were not many prayers either. Repetitive Rosaries or other petitions. Just the full knowledge, with all the concentration I could muster, that “Thy will be done”. This, somehow, seemed to suffice.


I would like to thank all the medical staff at my local hospital as well as the one I was transferred to, and the ambulance team, for their professionalism, experience and for looking after me so well.

I would also like to thank family and friends for all they have done, and are still doing, since my ordeal on 27th September. I am also appreciative and thank my Internet friends for all their prayers for me.

God bless you all.

Victor S E Moubarak

NOTE: The above post has been produced in PDF Format as a booklet. If you wish to have a copy FREE which may be of help to someone please contact me at



  1. You have just experienced, in the space of mere days, the journey my husband and I are on, a journey that has lasted 25 years. You did it in a few days!!! You will never be the same. Your writing will be even more filled with His Spirit and truth..SO HAPPY for you.

    Poverty, depression and anxiety completely immobilizing my husband especially, forcing us to "take our selves on" meaning with the help of a Catholic friend and psychiatrist digging deeply to understand the root of every thought and action,opening every dark closet into His light. This coming to know ourselves and bringing aspect of ourselves to the cross brings us to a place where we surrnder our way, our will to HIM. Then, like a child who trusts explicitly we say, each and every time.."Thy will be done"

  2. What can I say at this moment except that you truly are trying to follow GOD (Good Old Dad) during "MAN's" living reality and like most good Christians you want to know why GOD and His Angels insist on Loving you so much, in other words, like all of U>S (usual sinners), GOD's Children who were originally created in His Image all want to know ourselves.

    You truly have been blessed and please keep praying for me cause I'm also still trying to spiritually get to know myself if you know what I mean? :)


  3. Exactly...I love your wording "God and His angels INSIST on loving me" ignoring all walls, defenses and fears...I know exactly what you mean; you are a brother of my heart

  4. OMG, praying for you. Two thoughts come to mind. Did you know that they just found an artery in ex-President George W. Bush to be 95% blocked just the other day. They said he was on the verge of death as well. Second, my father had a triple by-pass. He actually had a heart attack in the back yard and was found the next morning. He suffered terribly and though they were able to save him, he had so much damage to his heart that he was pretty much an invalid the rest of his life. But let me tell you, it was through my father's suffering that I had my religious experience and though a less than devout believer before his suffering, afterwards I became devout and a true Catholic. God has meaning in everything, especially experiences that are crises. God bless and happy things turned out well

  5. Dear Victor ~
    Thank you for sharing your experience. You are in Good Hands.

    We are, All His children...great song, happy song, comforting song. Again, thank you my friend.
    Take care...

  6. Glad to hear that you're doing better.

    With GOD on our side, it is hard to keep a good child of God down.

    Long story short, I got my first stent put in about 11 or so years ago and the picture that they gave me showed that I had a 99% blockage.

    Hard to believe but two years ago, they said that I suffered a heart attack just before they put another 3 stents into this temple, "I" mean body of mine. (lol) To long to tell you about that night when the nurse asked me if I could pray and believe it or not and there was about six other patients in the room and so I said out loud "The Lord's Prayer". It was about 2 or so in the morning and don't tell anyone but the pain was so bad that I thought that I would not make it through the night. After praying and then falling a sleep for about four hours and when I got up, I felt like myself again and walked to the end of the hall with no help what so ever. That was one of their pre-requisite before they could let YA out the next day.

    Sorry for saying so much cause this is suppose to be all about you, another "ONE" of GOD Child!

    Anyway Victor, Welcome back to our Christian Reality, Spiritual Godly loving race to the finish line! :)

    Keep praying for me also

    God Bless

  7. Oh my gosh, Victor! This gave me chills! Especially because I've been praying that God would heal your heart for a while now! I thought I must have imagined the word I got because you never mentioned your heart in our e-mails but I prayed about it just in case. I'm so glad you are okay, my friend!

    I pray your recovery goes smoothly. I'll be praying for you each day. The wisdom in your post/book is amazing and I feel blessed that I got to read it. Thank you!

  8. Victor...this is just an amazing journey. I am so grateful that you are ok! And that God put you right in the spot where you would be treated well, and get the help you needed.

    How the Lord spoke to you too...that is such a wonder. And you listened! Isn't that the best thing? You could have chalked the whole thing up to drugs or hallucinations, but you didn't. And that nurse...God love her for being the voice you needed to sleep.

    God speed on your recovery. You will always be in my prayers.

  9. Forgive me Victor but sometime I get the impression that some of your readers are talking about me also. I know that we are all "ONE" in Christ but in reality this is your blog now!

    I hear YA folks! Unless we say Victor 'S' then just ignore the thought that "IT" could be about YA sinner vic! :(

    What! What! What? :)

  10. Don't worry, Victor 2, we can tell you are not the same Victor. Actually, I know your name is not even Victor.

  11. I'm glad you are home and recuperating!

    And to think your last post before this happened was about God speaking to us....


    Jose D. Pinell.

  12. Victor, I hope you are getting better and feeling more comfortable.

    I had to read this a few times to take it all in and, as I was reading, some of your past posts came back to me. The sentence that was intellectually over your head ;) struck me the most. I hope you write more about where God leads you with this and the direction your growth takes you.

    Keeping you and your family in my prayers, my friend.
    God bless:-)

  13. Hello dear friends. Thank you for your good wishes and prayers. I need them. Sorry to reply to all of you together rather than individually. Too tired today.

    Melanie - Thanx for your good wishes. I suppose God guides us in His time and in His way. For you it took 25 years; for me it was like falling off a horse on the way to Damascus.

    Victor 2 - I agree, God and His angels and Saints do love us. Even if we don't know it.

    Manny - I'm sorry to hear about your father. As you say, through his illness you came to find the Lord. He often turns bad situations to good; if we trust Him.

    Hand Maid - Thank you for your prayers and songs of Praise. May God listen to you.

    Mary - Thank you dear friend. You've always been good to me. It does not surprise me about what you say about praying for my heart. I always felt you have a special connection with Our Lord. Especially after your miraculous healing. I miss our e-mails.

    Ceil - Thank you for your good wishes and prayers. Yes, I did listen to the messages; starnge as they seemed at the time. And that nurse told me she was Catholic. Can you imagine the chances of that happening?

    Noelle - Thank you so much for visiting me and for your good wishes. Blessings to you and yours.

    Jose - Hi friend. Yes ... now you mention it; my last post was about God speaking. Coincidence or God incidence? Bless you.

    Vicky - I miss your posts. Especially the cartoon ones. Perhapd you'll let me know which of my past posts came to mind. Sometimes a thought come to mind and I write and write. At first I did not understand about dichotomy. Can you imagine? Our free will should be to freely accept His will? I found that difficult when in pain. Still difficult now. I hope to write more about where God is leading me. Right now He is teaching me patience. Recuperating takes so long. I pray: Lord give me patinece but hurry up about it. Bless you dear friend.

    God bless you all And thanx for you prayers.

  14. Victor, My prayers continue for your healing..

    Only you would be able to transcribe such pain and suffering into light for the journey and He has given you the grace to continue on. Your heart may be in physical need of recuperating, but it's so full of love of God and charity for others that that along with the hands of the doctors will be the strength that restores.
    Continuing to pray +

    1. Thank you so much Caroline for your kind words of comfort and your prayers. May God bless you always. Sorry I am not visiting any Blogs right now. Rather tired too quickly.

  15. Listen here Victor! Before you get too tired and The Good Lord decides to make you an invisible angel ahead of me and Manny, I just want you to know that because of your blog, I'm back to praying •THE ROSARY - LIVE ONLINE* since the invisible witches and bitches burnt down my chapel with a "Pink candle" that is.

    I hear YA Victor! From some of the stuff that you've been writing lately, "IT" would be hard to believe that you are truly praying with a sincere heart NOW? :)

    Really???? :(

    God Bless you and thanks again

    1. I'm so glad you're praying the Rosary again. God bless you.

  16. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your dreams. This reminds me of a verse in Psalms: "Even at night my heart instructs me." I think it's wonderful that God allowed you to learn such valuable truths in your dreams.

    This statement really spoke to me today because it echoed the message in today's sermon. I really need to hear this:

    "No matter whether the outcome of a situation is good or bad. I should accept His will be done in full confidence and knowledge that it will work out for the best. No ifs, no buts, no not withstanding the afore mentioned clause, or any other legalise you may wish to add."

    I am learning this lesson even now, even when I thought I had already learned it.

    I still have these words from you on a sticky note next to my computer, where I can see it every day. "We often fear the future because we cannot see it; but God has seen it and has made it safe for those who trust Him."

    Thank you for all of the encouragement you share with all of us. So thankful that God spared you. He surely does have a purpose for you.

    1. Great to see you visiting again Sarah. Thanx. Hope you and yours are well.

      Yes, I learnt a lot from my recent experiences. God maybe wants something from me yet. That's probably why I was spared. Or perhaps I needed to learn these lessons. We never know the future, but He certainly does.

      God bless you and your family Sarah.

  17. Victor - I am glad you are doing better. It must have been difficult to share this experience in such detail - thank you for doing so so we can learn from it and your visions. You have been missed -
    God Bless you.

    1. Thank you for your continued prayers and support Michael. Much appreciated. I hope what I've written above can be of help to someone. May God bless you and your family always, my friend.

  18. Hi Victor.
    I think when we are so intent on hearing God we open ourselves and we can hear His revelation, therefore we know what He wants us to pray.
    I have always been a believer but I too have had what I would call a reversion; a renewal and intensifying of belief through an experience of God.
    Rosaries etc are just means to meditate so we can open ourselves to God.
    Thank God for your recovery and may He continue to bless you

    1. Thank you Mrs D Bliss for visiting me and leaving a comment here. How kind of you. Much appreciated.

      You're so right. We must leave ourselves open to God's messages at all times and focus on Him.

      May the Good Lord bless you and your family always.

  19. A gripping read, Victor.

    "... I asked God “Why do You test me so much when you already know how I’ll behave?”

    Maybe so you will know how you'll behave?

    1. Yes indeed, Sandi. You are so right.

      God bless you.

  20. Wow, what a story. Faith and trust are really important, God has your back and his plan for you is not completed.

    1. Thank you Bill. Yes, God has my back and cares for us all and every one.

      God bless you.

  21. So sorry that you went through so much pain Victor, but thank God that you had all the help that He provided for you. Make sure you rest peacefully, I join all others in prayer for your return of good health.

  22. Sorry Victor, I just realized that your story was ten years old. So glad that you recovered from that awful experience.

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers, Brenda. Yes, the Lord saved me all those years ago.

      God bless you.



God bless you.