Learning from History

 

In Roman times emperors and rich people like wealthy merchants used to build big mansions and palaces with high columns so that the building could be seen from miles around, especially if built on a hill. Rome had many hills as you know. It still has.

But inside the building it was all on one level. A huge palace all on one floor. They did not have an upstairs and downstairs because stairs had not been invented.

Until one day, a slave cleaner, a woman called Ella Vator, was vacuum cleaning the great banquet hall when she noticed a spider's web high on the ceiling. She could not reach up there to clean it. She got worried that her master, a rich merchant called Lay About, would notice the cobweb at the next dinner party when he and his guests lay on the floor on large cushions and enjoy a Margherita pizza. (No pineapple on pizza in those days).

As an aside, the Romans ate by lying on the floor because furniture had not been invented. This is because The Carpenters were busy making music instead. But I digress.

As another aside, did you know that The Carpenters used to rub wheat-germ and other grains in their hair?  Hence the song: "Why do birds suddenly appear? Every time you are near?"

You learn a lot from my research, dear readers. But I digress again. 

Any way, Ella Vator got worried about the spider's web so she asked her boyfriend, another slave named Staircasus for help. He brought in various pieces of stones, marble and rocks and put them on top of each other until he managed to climb and reach the ceiling. Unwittingly, he invented the staircase, named after him.

He reached the cobweb which he cleaned and then, using a goblet he trapped the spider underneath it, then slid a piece of parchment paper under the goblet and gently threw the house spider outside. Which begs the question: where did house spiders live before houses were invented? But I digress yet again. I must stop interrupting myself.

When the master came home he was furious to find a pile of rubble and stones in his banquet hall. He called in all the slaves and asked them who did it. No one spoke because they all feared him, and being members of the Slaves Union they protected each other. 

The rich merchant threatened to punish all of them unless one confessed.

So a slave stepped forward and said, "I am Staircasus!"

Then another did the same and said, "I am Staircasus!"

And another claimed, "I am Staircasus!" 

And another and another until they all claimed to be staircases in a one level building with no where to go up to because there was no upstairs to go to. 

So the merchant decided to build an upstairs and rewarded all his slaves for their brilliant idea.

This story was years later made into a film bearing the name of the famous slave "Staircasus".

ADDENDUM ... DE DUM ... DE DUM ...

Please see Bill's comment below. Other History lessons are available in my book "The Soup waved at me!" which you can download FREE from HERE

Or buy in KINDLE format HERE.

“The soup waved at me!” is a unique book in many respects. It is a collection of amusing short stories aimed at making you smile, laugh, or knock your socks off – the choice is yours.

The book is unique in that it has been written slowly to help readers who cannot read fast. It also contains a generous portion of punctuations to enable readers to stop and take a rest in long sentences. The author has also introduced the never used before double comma which looks like this ,, and allows you to stop reading a little longer and take a rest.

“The soup waved at me!” can be equally enjoyed whilst lying comfortably in a hot bubble bath listening to your favourite music, or standing in a warm shower holding your electronic tablet in your hand. Assuming of course that it is waterproof – the tablet, not your hand.

So sit back, or stand up, relax, and be prepared for an experience you’ve never imagined possible.

The Ancient Romans

THE ANCIENT ROMANS 

History can be a dull subject to learn and teach depending of course on who’s doing the learning and the teaching.

As a child I once talked in class and the teacher threw a piece of chalk at me. He then said: That’ll teach you to talk in class!

And as it happened a long time ago it is history; so I learnt then a history lesson which I remembered to this day.

If you pay attention; you’ll learn a bit more history in the next few minutes or so.

Let’s go back to Roman times. When men were tough and strong and women told them what to do. Women always had the ability to make men obey their wishes by hiding the remote control even then. But I digress.

In ancient Roman times there were a lot of sculptures of Roman emperors and famous people; these were usually sculptures of their heads and busts and faces, although you could also get sculptures of the whole person if you were rich enough to have one done.

The history behind all these sculptures is quite fascinating I must say.

You see, in Roman times there were a number of check-points by the Roman guards along the Appian Way. That’s the strategic main road connecting Rome to Brindisi and Apulia. The road was named after the Roman censor Appius Claudius Caecus.

He it was who held a census in the year something or other AD, and having discovered that most Romans did not like broccoli was frightened out of his census.

Anyway, the Roman Centurion guards along the Appian Way always stopped all chariots and checked that the drivers had a driving license.

Unfortunately, as cameras had not been invented at the time, all owners of chariots, such as emperors, senators and the like, carried a sculpture of their heads or faces with them as a form of Roman Identity Card.

That’s why there are only Roman sculptures of famous people and not the peasants and plebs.

As I said, some Romans were rich enough to carry a sculpture of their whole body with them in their chariots rather than just the head or face. Unfortunately the statues were so heavy that they often broke the chariots and fell to the ground.

This happened to a Roman lady called Venus whose statue fell off the chariot and the arms got broken. Historians have still to work out why she was not wearing any clothes when her sculpture was made; and exactly where her arms were when she posed for the stonemason.

When asked by Venus’ angry husband whether she had posed in the nude for him, the stonemason tried to deny it and said that he did the statue from memory. This didn't help his case and the husband punched him on the nose.

History also teaches us that ancient Romans collected urine. By that I don’t mean that they resisted going to the toilet and walked around cross-legged. I also don’t mean that they collected it like you or I would collect stamps, or books or whatever else people collect as a hobby.

No … they collected urine in large tubs left around in the street. People would walk by and when nature called they deposited their half-pint in the tub – there in public!!!

The collected deposits were then used in washing all those white togas. Apparently the ammonia in the urine acted like a bleaching agent and turned the togas extra clean and white.

And when all the senators met and debated in the senate and some jeered at one of them making a controversial speech by shouting “You stink!” – they meant it quite literally as well as referring to his speech.

And whilst we're on this subject ... what subject? 

Keep quiet and pay attention!

I want to mention another person born in Italy who was a famous Greek mathematician, physicist, engineer, inventor, astronomer and all round big head know-it-all.

His name was Archimedes and although he was a Greek he was born in Syracuse in Southern Italy. No doubt his mother was on vacation there at the time; but the least said about it the better!

Anyway, one day this Archimedes fellow was asked by King Hiero II to find out whether a crown he had made was pure gold or whether it contained silver; which is cheaper.

Archimedes thought hard about this problem, especially since he was not allowed to break or damage the crown in any way. 

One night as he got home tired he decided to have a bath. Now in those days they didn't have baths like we do today with running water and drainage. All they had was a metal tub which they placed in the middle of the living room and sat in it washing themselves and watching TV.

As TV had not yet been invented they normally put a statue in the corner of the room and watched that instead. 

Anyway, as Archimedes entered his house pondering about the crown dilemma he discovered the tub there in the living room with water already in it. He was so tired that he gladly took off his clothes and jumped in the water thus displacing some of the volume therein.

Unbeknown to Archimedes, his wife had filled the tub with sea water and put a few crabs there to keep them fresh until lunch.

Archimedes jumped out of the tub and ran in the street naked shouting "Eureka" which in Greek means "I've found it". However, he also added a few other choice words in his native language which loosely translated mean "Who is the **** who put crabs in my bath? My manhood will never be the same again!"

Later on, as he calmed down a little and nearly got arrested for indecent exposure, he realised that as a body, (his and the crabs), is placed in a tub of water it/they displace an equal amount of water as the volume of said bodies. That didn't mean much to him; so he Googled his crown problem and solved the mystery of how to ascertain whether it was pure gold or not. He could of course have checked for any Hallmarks as we do now and save himself all the trouble of an encounter with a dozen crabs.

This concludes our history lesson for now. I hope you’ll remember what you’ve learnt here today. 

More funny stories HERE