Charlie Farthing

This is Charlie Farthing. He is 85 years old. A few days ago I took him and two of his friends, Elsa Hairloom (79), and Flora Spread (81), to an Antiques Fair.

The idea is that you take with you an antique which you no longer want. The experts value it, and if you are happy it is put into auction and sold at best price.

Charlie took with him an old set of false teeth. The valuer said it was worth £5 or thereabouts. Charlie agreed to sell.

As the auction started, I left the three of them in the sales room and went to get a cup of tea. Charlie held tight to his teeth and moved up front. Elsa and Flora sat amongst the audience.

When I came back, Charlie had vanished. He was missing. No one knew where he was.

Elsa and Flora said that one moment he was on stage with his teeth in his hand. Then he went behind the curtain and no one saw him again.

I went up front to check with the auctioneer and, you will not believe this ... and ... he told me that Charlie had been sold at auction for £90.

"What?" I said, "how can you sell a man for £90?"

"No one bid any higher," replied the auctioneer.

"What do you mean you sold an old man?" I shouted, "who did you sell him to?"

"We don't have a name ... yet," said the auctioneer, "I didn't do the sale, someone else did. I believe he was sold to an anonymous purchaser who wanted an authentic elderly butler for his stately home. We believe the purchaser is from abroad ... Internet purchase!"

I tell you folks, I really lost my temper. I threatened to call the police. They called the young assistant, a trainee, who managed the auction sale. He said that Charlie was sold to an elderly lady from the audience, not the Internet. They still don't have a name for the purchaser. Charlie was at the back enjoying a cup of tea and biscuits.

After further investigations it transpired that Charlie did not want to let go of his teeth in case they broke. So he got on the stage when they were due to be sold. The bidding started and apparently he waved at Elsa in the audience. Elsa waved back and the auctioneer thought it was a bid. Charlie waved at Flora. She waved back and this was seen as another bid. One wave after another and both Elsa and Flora were bidding against each other to purchase Charlie. Eventually Elsa bought him for £90 but as she did not have a purchaser's number to show the auctioneer, it was recorded as an anonymous purchase to be sorted out after the auction is over.

I took Charlie, Elsa and Flora and their unsold teeth back home.