Tuesday, 7 August 2018

Do Not Maths With Me




Mathematics all started when God said to His people to go forth and multiply. Of course, He meant go and learn the multiplication tables, but the Catholics took Him too literally and had plenty of children.

Oh ... Oh ... I foresee a reprimand from my priest. He reads this Blog, you know; and often tells me off at Confession.

Anyway ... God told all creation to go forth and multiply. A year later He came back to check, and sure enough, every one had had a good time and there were plenty of baby everything everywhere. Baby people, baby animals, baby fish, baby birds and so on. And God was pleased.

However, He noticed that there were only two snakes. So He asked them: "Did you not have a good time? Why did you not multiply as I said?"

They replied: "We are adders. We need logs to multiply!"

Get it ... ??? No???

It's a mathematical joke. Logs means logarithms. And you need logarithms to multiply ... Forget it. It comes to something when I have to explain my own jokes. It made me laugh anyway.

Mathematics is all about numbers and the relationships of numbers to one another. For example, do you know that there are more stars and planets in the universe than all the grains of sands in all the beaches and deserts in the world?

Without telling you the number of stars the mere image I have depicted has conjured in your mind how many stars exist.

There are indeed many grains of sands in the desert. I should know.

I was once a member of a research team in the desert and my task was to count the number of grains of sands. I counted up to 23 and got tired. So I can categorically claim that there are more than 23 grains of sand in the world and more stars than that in the universe. Just look up to the sky at night to prove it.

The Ancient Greeks were great mathematicians. Pythagoras for instance used mathematics to work out the measurements of shapes, especially triangles. He found out that the square on a hippopotamus is bigger than two other squares in the bush. He also had great respect for flava beans as he thought they were the source of life itself. One day he was chased by his enemies and he came across a field of beans. He stopped and refused to go through it and was killed by his enemies.

Archimedes was another mathematician of sorts. He was having a bath one day and the water in his bath overflowed. He ran in the street naked shouting “Eureka” and was arrested for indecent exposure.

One day I was travelling on a train with my college professor of mathematics. The train was going fast and we passed a field full of sheep. He remarked “Look over there, 134 sheep!”

I was impressed and asked him how he counted them so quick with the train travelling so fast. He replied “Easy … I counted their legs and divided by four!”

A bit later we passed another field full of sheep and I tried the same trick. I counted the legs and divided by four; but I had a remainder of three. Which means there was either one sheep with three legs, or three sheep with one leg each!

The Ancient Romans, unlike the Greeks, used letters instead of numbers. The letter I meant one, II meant two, III meant three … they then got tired and tried something different. IV was four, V was five, X was ten … and they also had L, C and M as numbers.

All this suddenly stopped when the Emperor Claudius received a text saying – I LV CLAVDIVS – and he didn’t know whether it was an amorous message from his girl-friend or his wife’s new telephone number.

Sir Isaac Newton, born in 1642, (18 minutes before 5 o'clock), was an English mathematician, astronomer, theologian, author, physicist and all round know-it-all; and a pain in the neck working his way South. He was a very bad cook as his dog will testify. He is famous for having an apple drop on his head and having invented the Injury Compensation Scheme which since then has cost millions in compensation claims throughout the world.

Einstein too was a great mathematician who devised Einstein’s Theory of Relativity without the use of a calculator. According to him, the richer you are the more relatives will attend your funeral.

Also, according to Einstein, if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it then it will remain upright.

He was once asked, is it true that sound does not travel in a vacuum, and if a man shouts in a vacuum then his screams will not be heard?

He replied “It depends whether the vacuum is switched on at the time and how much dust is in the dust bag.”

Which all reminds me of the skunk running through the forest as the wind suddenly turns direction. He stops and says “AAHH … it all comes back to me now!”

20 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. It all adds up to having a smile. Thanx Christine.

      God bless.

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  2. One smile, multiplied by many giggles! Thanks for the fun, Victor.

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    1. That's a good result Terri. Giggles are good.

      God bless.

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  3. You just proved maths can be funny. :) Thanks Victor for the laughs, the world definitely could use some humour.

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    1. Indeed Bill. The world can use some humour right now. Maths need not be difficult if we take time explaining it to pupils. Some of the teachings these days are over-complicated.

      God bless.

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  4. This just goes to show, if you were teaching mathematics my report cards would not have looked so abysmal! (BTW, I will check the inscriptions on my dish plates and respond in the next few days. Thank you so much!)

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    1. It's all a question of making Maths fun, Mevely. Unfortunately, my experience is that today's teachers don't use fun in teaching. They are too focussed on results.

      God bless.

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  5. What an amazing mind you have Victor... I love it!!!
    I was never very good at math as a whole and fractions were something that fell and broke into many pieces! But... I was pretty good at multiplying. I have four children, who have eight children and we are now blessed with six great-grandchildren...yep! We're Catholic and still multiplying!!!

    Blessings

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    Replies
    1. Hooray for the Catholics, Jan. We really know how to multiply. As for fractions ... I wasn't that good either. I remember buying a take-away (to-go) pizza. The man serving asked me: "Do you want it cut into six or eight portions?" I said: "Cut it in six. I am not that hungry to eat eight portions!!!"

      God bless.

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    2. I would have told him do to cut it in half because I never eat more than two pieces 🍕

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    3. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

      God bless you, Jan.

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  6. Yes, Victor, as Terri said above, you have multiplied my giggles ten fold! The good Lord knows how much I need the laughs today.
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. I understand, Martha. I'll try my best to keep posting humourous stories here in the hope they help. Praying for you, my friend.

      God bless you and your family.

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  7. I tried counting the geese by legs and dividing by 2 as you suggested but I didn't have much luck. : )
    Math has never been something I'm good at though I do know my times tables pretty good. Thanks to my 4th grade teacher, Mrs Merrick.

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    1. Maths can be interesting, Happyone, if we don't see it as number but as concepts. For example, my teacher said to me once, "If you have 6 apples and I take half of them what would I have?"

      I replied, "A reputation for being a thief!"

      I learnt my Maths from my grand-father. He always used numbers in his life lessons, as he called them. He told me once, "If you walk a mile and a half in someone's shoes you'll be arrested for stealing them!"

      God bless.

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  8. Your brilliant explanation made sense even to my math-challenged brain.

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    1. Thank you Kathy. Maths adds up in the end.

      God bless you.

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  9. Great post, Victor! Love the joke about counting sheep!!

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad I made you smile, Chris.

      God bless you.

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