So, what's been happening in the neighbourhood?

Every now and then I like to reflect and report on what's been happening in my corner of the world.

Sadly, I have to report that the manager of the local IKEA store has died. His funeral was delayed because no one could assemble his flat-pack coffin.

I attended the manager's funeral out of respect. I was very disappointed at the poor wifi reception in church. I could not check on my e-mails or watch the latest episode of Downton Abbey.

At the cemetery at the edge of town, a group of undertakers were seen carrying a coffin and going round and round in circles all over the cemetery. It seems they had lost the plot.

Speaking of IKEA, I read somewhere that 12% of babies are conceived in an IKEA bed. This is surprising considering that those shops are normally well-lit.

It seems sadness followed me that day. After the funeral I drove into town. I was in hurry and could not find a parking space. I needed to cash a cheque and there was a long queue at the bank. The queue was 10 people long and by the time I got to the cashier her phone rang. She took the call and burst out crying. It was a personal call saying her elderly aunt had just died. I told her that her aunt will still be dead in a few minutes' time; can she serve me now and cry later. She cried some more and left her desk. I was eventually served by the manager. I got to the car late and got a fine from a traffic warden.

On Tuesday Mrs Floret our friend was rushed into hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst ironing. The doctors asked her how she burnt her other ear. She replied: "It happened when I phoned for an ambulance!"

When I visited Mrs Floret in hospital I met up with Mrs Pendergast, our company accountant's wife. They are very rich. She went in for another dose of botox on her face. When they told her how much it cost she was not at all surprised.

As I was saying, it was sadness again all week. Mrs Pendergast told me that her uncle died suddenly and they did not have time to say goodbye. He collapsed into a bowl of Cheerios.

Her son Jeremy had left home to be a mime artist. They haven't heard from him since.

She told me her husband had been to the doctor's to be tested for an allergy. The doctor put various liquids on his arm and wrote next to them what they were derived from - like house dust, animal fur and so on, to see which liquid would cause a reaction with the skin. Turned out her husband was allergic to the ink in the pen the doctor used.

I tell you, it was a week of sadness around here. On Thursday I was walking the dog and met up with Mr Lancaster our golf club secretary. As we were talking he suddenly collapsed to the ground. I phoned for an ambulance.

The operator asked me, "Where are you?"

I said, "I'm on Eucalyptus Street ..."

She said, "How do you spell the name of the street?"

I could not find a street name sign anywhere. So I dragged Mr Lancaster round the corner and said, "I'm in Oak Street, that's O-A-K."

Life is difficult these days, don't you think? But we try our best to help each other. Every morning I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No!!! She says she'd rather have it in a cup.

A friend of ours, Mr Jeremiah, we call him. He lost his dog and he's inconsolable. I suggested he puts an advert in the local paper. It's two weeks now and the dog is still missing. I asked him, "What did you put in the paper?" He said, "Here boy!!!" 

I went to the doctor's for my regular visit to test my sense of humour. As I arrived, a nun came out of his insulting room crying her heart out. 

"What’s wrong with her?" I asked the doctor.

"I told her she’s pregnant," he replied nonchalantly.

"That’s awful ... terrible ... Is she really pregnant?" I asked.

"No, but it has cured her hiccups," he said.

I told the doctor I was not feeling well. He said, "describe the symptoms."

I replied, "They are yellow cartoon characters on TV. One’s called Homer, and Bart and Marge and …"

He then asked me, "Do you have trouble passing water?"

I said, "I feel dizzy when crossing over a river, not when crossing a railway line or motorway!"

I explained that I had water on the knee. He said I was not aiming straight.

He then asked me a very personal question. "How's your libido?" he said.

I replied, "I've sold that Italian car. Now I have a Toyota!"

As I left the doctor's I met up with Mrs McGuire, an elderly lady I sometimes visit. She was coming in to see the doctor. I noticed she had a suppository sticking out of her ear. I pointed it out politely. She said, "I wonder where I put my hearing aid?"

Anyway, that's been life around here.