Thursday 2 January 2020

The Elevator

We have decided to install an elevator in our house. It will be useful for the future when we get too old to go up the stairs comfortably. So the advert in the leaflet we got said.

The elevator people came to our house and inspected it. They chose a suitable place where the elevator would be installed and set to work.

As you know, an elevator is essentially a rectangular box into which you enter and it lifts you up and down. In our case it would go up a distance of some 15 feet from the ground floor to the first, and only, floor above it.

The workers cut a square hole in the ceiling downstairs and installed all the lifting equipment and the box which will go up and down when we press a button. Simple.

When I got home one evening last week they had just finished working and were literally vacuum cleaning any remaining dust from the carpet.

We all had a little celebration with glasses of sherry, and whisky for me, and it was decided that I should be the first one to use the elevator to go upstairs.

I stepped into the rectangular box and after counting downwards from 10 to 1 we said together, "we have lift-off!" as I pressed the button inside the elevator.

Immediately the elevator shot up at great speed to the first floor. It kept on going. Crashed through the roof bringing down all the tiles and a pile of debris; and then shot up into the sky.

When all the dust had settled, my family and the workers went out in the garden and street to try and find the elevator with me in it. I was no where to be found. They looked upwards with binoculars and found nothing.

They phoned the police. At first they said their job did not include searching for missing elevators. When they were told I was in it, they treated the incident as a missing person enquiry. They looked in the loft and found nothing. They looked up at the sky and found nothing.

They phoned the Local Authorities who sent a senior engineer. He looked in the loft and found nothing. He looked up at the sky and found nothing. He phoned the Government Department for Missing Elevators.

The Government Department for Missing Elevators did not send anyone. They phoned our allies and friends in America told them there is no need to look in the loft. They asked them to look up at the sky and search for an un-identified flying elevator (UFE) orbiting the earth or perhaps the moon.

Our American friends looked at outer space thoroughly and they found nothing.

It was confirmed in the news that the UK had not entered the space age with its own space elevator.

It was concluded that the elevator had burnt itself out as it enter the outer-space and disintegrated with me in it.

Everyone was sad at the early demise of the famous author, who had gone without even writing his own obituary beforehand. How selfish of him.

Meanwhile, I was lying unconscious in the elevator in my neighbour's back garden.

The following morning my neighbour discovered a battered rectangular box in his garden and was livid. It is bad enough me throwing dead frogs and snails over the fence into his garden; but now it's gone too far by throwing an old fridge - or whatever that box is meant to be.

He phoned the police.

The police looked in my neighbour's loft. Then looked up at the sky. And then they found me still unconscious in the elevator in the garden holding a glass of whisky.

They fined me for being drunk in charge of an elevator.

I am the only person on earth with penalty points on my driving licence for drinking in an elevator.

Anyway ... because of all the cuts and bruises all over my body my family insisted I go to hospital where a couple of nurses checked me out and gave me various injections against tetanus, several infections, hay fever, colds and flu, and whatever else they had spare and past its "sell by" date.

All of which reminds me of my ancestor's, Baron Sir Richard The Lion Liver, Family Moto:  Semper Ubi Sub Ubi.

Which means: Always Wear Underwear.

Because you never know when you'll display your backside to complete strangers.

And that, my friends, is the bottom line.

So look forwards in 2020 because your behind is behind you. Unless you are standing in a queue in front of someone else, in which case their behind is in front of you. Not always a pleasant experience.

I remember once standing in a queue at the Post Office behind this massive lady who had a massive behind behind her.

For some reason she stepped back a little. And her behind began to "Tooot ... Tooot ... Tooot", like big vehicles do when they are reversing.

Anyway ... sorry if my mind wandered back there. It is all behind me now. As I was saying, look forwards in 2020 and not behind you, unless you are standing in front of a mirror admiring your behind. Which is something private you need not tell us about.

With hindsight we can all have 2020 Visions.

I bet not many people will click on the links in this article. Pity.

22 comments:

  1. Semper Ubi Sub Ubi. You forgot one word: Semper Ubi Sub All Ubi. Always wear clean underwear. You never know when that will be critical.

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    1. Good point, Bill. Especially if a person has been unlucky to get run over by a bus, or fell into a river, or down a coal mine. It is important then to have clean underwear.

      Keep smiling throughout 2020 and beyond, my friend.
      God bless you always.

      Delete
  2. Sounds like I am going to cancel my order for my elevator installation. My neighbors wouldn't be pleased.
    In regards to my behind... I refuse to talk about it in a public forum. Another day into the new year.

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    1. You need to be careful Ryan about the speed at which the elevator travels. Apparently mine was several times faster than it should have been because the spring that pushed it up was too highly sprung and not relaxed enough. I was told that people too who are too highly sprung can go up at a moment's notice.

      God bless.

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  3. Only you can get yourself into such a tight situation and survive to tell it your way and then move on to the next adventure without missing a beat!

    God's Blessings Victor and Happy 2020 💮

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    1. Well, I suppose one should just move on. No use dwelling on one elevator incident. I guess we all have an elevator story to tell.

      God bless you always, Jan. In 2020 and always.

      Delete
  4. Oh fiddlesticks! I knew there was a reason for not installing that elevator. Folks out here don't take too kindly to flying elevators landing on their property, especially if it lands too close to their cattle.

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    1. That's exactly the attitude my neighbour had; and he has no cattle.

      Great to see you here again, Regina. Thanx.

      A blessed New Year to you and yours. God bless.

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  5. You are too funny, Victor! I'm so glad you didn't spill your whiskey. And I did, by the way, click on your links. You have a lot of books, my friend! How exciting! Have a wonderful, healthy New Year. We need more laughter in this world - it does us good like medicine - so keep on writing!

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    1. So glad you liked this story and my books, Diane. Some of my books are FREE to download.

      God bless you this year and always.

      Delete
  6. As Pumba said on The Lion King - "Leave your behind in your past!" Very funny, Victor, when you get to the bottom of it all.
    Blessings!

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    1. The Lion King was on TV only yesterday. The original cartoon version. Quite enjoyable to see it again.

      You're right, as best we can we should leave what's behind us behind us and look forwards with Hope. The problem is, what if Hope wants to look at my behind?

      God bless you always, Martha.

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  7. From now on I'm taking the stairs!

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    1. I am now thinking of fitting an electric escalator in the house instead of stairs. I'll let you know how I get on with that.

      I hate stairs since I fell down the stairs once. I was asked by the doctor in hospital, "Did you miss a step?"

      I replied, "No, I hit every one of them!"

      God bless JoeH.

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  8. Bewitched, bothered and bewildered … and nearly laughing my behind off. Ooooh, the visuals.

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    1. Mevely, I try as best I can in my stories to describe the visuals. I wish my readers to actually "see" what I am saying. And if they laugh their behinds off that's a bonus for me.

      Thank you fro laughing with me. God bless you always.

      Delete
  9. Oh, my goodness! You really had me going wondering where on earth you were and how the elevator fared. It doesn't sound like either of you came through the ordeal unscathed! What an adventure the two of you had! Ha! Happy New Year, my friend!

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    1. You should have seen how quickly the elevator went up into the sky. It flew about 50 feet up and landed in next door's garden. But I did not spill any of my whisky.

      Happy New Year, Cheryl.

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  10. Don't think I'll be getting an elevator installed any time soon!! : )

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    1. I don't blame you, Happyone.

      God bless you always.

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  11. Next time, have one of those chair lifts installed that just follows the stair railing. Much safer.

    Happy New Year!

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    1. I guess I agree, Mimi. But they're not good at moving furniture upstairs.

      Happy New Year and God bless.

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