Saturday 2 May 2020

Face the facts

The purpose of this Blog is to entertain, educate and inform. With this in mind here is a selection of facts you may wish to be aware of. Let me assure you that they are all true and have been well researched in a book of nonsense which I am writing.

If you ever use a tea bag to make yourself a cup of tea never throw the hot tea back in the trash bin as it may start a fire.

Always use a spoon rest when you have finished using your spoon. Leaving the spoon on the table top or work surface will make a stain of whatever you have used the spoon for.

The spoon rest is the world's most important invention since the invention of the spoon. A spoon rest is the most popular gift for people you do not like.

If you experience a sharp pain in the eye whilst drinking tea or coffee it is advisable to take the spoon out of the cup first.

If you suffer from flatulence do not buy a sound activated bedside lamp. The lamp that goes on and off when you tap your hands. A friend had such a lamp and whilst asleep he signalled a Morse SOS message with the lights going on and off. Neighbours phoned the police which came to his aid. 

When pursued, the centipede detaches one of his legs which he throws at his pursuer. The hunter stops to eat the leg and the centipede runs away to hide. Unfortunately, most of them get killed anyway when they return to retrieve their lost shoes.
The bar code you find on packets and on the back of books was invented by a zebra when it walked past the check-out desk at a supermarket and the cash machine bleeped.

An item that is far away may appear to be smaller than its real size. I once wondered why a golf ball appeared to be growing in size and then it hit me. 

More men cry in the cinema than women. I remember crying bitterly when watching The Sound of Music. The price of tickets, popcorn and soda nearly bankrupt me.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


 
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.





A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Now read this:


24 comments:

  1. Love the book message at the end!

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  2. ... Just think of all the 'phobias' that may develop from this:
    definitely, 'viral phobia', germ-a-phobia, claustrophobia (in parents cooped up with their children), and agoraphobia in children who suddenly could not 'go out' anymore to play with their friends. I have definitely become claustrophobic; but that's because I've patiently, stayed INDOORS. The weather here in Canada is FINALLY becoming Spring-like ... and I WANT 'OUT', too! I DESPERATELY NEED fresh air and Vitamin D!!

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    1. I have a phobia of psychiatrists. I went to a psychiatrist to see if he could cure me. He sent me to a hypnotist. Now I have a phobia of hypnotists too.

      Great to see you visiting here Suzanne. Thanx. Please call again soon and often.

      God bless.

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  3. Shame about the centipedes, maybe we could convince them to go barefoot and it would save lives.

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    1. No chance of that, Mimi. That's why they are always late. Takes too long to do up their shoe laces!

      God bless.

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  4. Thanks for the laughs this morning!

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    1. Glad to hear you laughing Kathy.

      God bless always, my friend.

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  5. A great post to start off my day!
    Thank you Victor for my morning dose of laughter :)
    Love the librarian's way with books on a shelf...a great idea!!!
    God's Blessings Victor, Always 🌷

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    1. I think the librarian got the idea from your haiku with books, Jan !!!

      Keep smiling. God bless.

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  6. When at the beach, I am definitely careful to be polite.

    Good stuff today...again.
    Stay safe.

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    1. Thank you JoeH for your kind compliment.

      When I write my humourous posts, it's like the old days when I was on stage presenting shows and telling jokes - but different. The difference this time is my audience is always "one".

      I imagine my one reader, because everyone visiting here reads the posts alone, and how that one reader would react to what I write. With an audience they tend to react to each other. Laughter is infectious. One laughs, others join in. But with my posts I have to imagine how each one of you, my loyal friends, would react to my jokes. Will you laugh? Be offended? Stop visiting here? Get upset?

      Laughter is very parochial. I could tell a joke in the USA and they would laugh but the people in London would not. That's because they are too far away to hear it.

      God bless, my friend.

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  7. A librarian with a message. Had a good laugh at Sir Cumference's expense. :)

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    1. In discussion he kept going round in circles. Especially when Sir Laughalot mocked him.

      God bless, Bill.

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  8. That's some clever librarian! "...the most popular gift for people you do not like." Here, I thought I was the only soul who dislikes spoon rests.

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    1. I can't understand why someone invented spoon rests, and why people buy them. Surely when cooking one can rest the spoon on a plate, or tray, or whatever.

      God bless you, Mevely.

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  9. Oh, my goodness, Victor, that's one brilliant librarian! And yes, it truly is bad form to comment on a woman's weight, especially if you are a guy. Good tip for the men out there. :)
    Blessings!

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    1. I've checked, Martha. Those books are real; they do exist.

      God bless always.

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  10. Well thank you very much Victor...after seeing those two hefty women...I'm not so worried about eating an extra slice of my birthday cake. Wouldn't mine looking like the ones on the beach..haha. All your puns were delightful, and wow...some librarian!

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    1. Happy birthday, Wanda. Wishing you many more happy years full of joy, good health and everything you desire.

      God bless you and your family.

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  11. I have a spoon rest that someone gave me. It is sitting in the drawer and I've never used it! :)
    What an imaginative librarian to come up with all the books in order like that!!

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    1. I can never understand why people invent certain things like a spoon rest; or sliced bread for example. Although I'll admit it is very clever to bake all the slices separately and then put them together to look like a whole loaf.

      God bless Happyone.

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  12. I am glad I read this of a Monday morning. Thanks, Victor. God bless you, my friend.

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    1. Great to see you visiting here Deacon. Thanx. Please call again soon and often.

      This is mainly a Christian blog with a bit of humour thrown in every now and then.

      God bless always.

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