Did you write?

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello Vic ... it's aunt Elma again speaking to your damn answering machine. I swear you do it deliberately so you don't speak to me directly. It's always on when you're at work, or out shopping or whatever.

 

Why don't you give me your cell phone number so I can phone you at work?

 

Anyway ... I am phoning to thank you for writing to your uncle Jim about him moving into the garage for this past week. You did write to him ... did you?

(Pause).

How silly of me ... I forgot I was talking to your answering machine. You must have an old model. Why not buy a machine that answers back when asked a question?

Anyway ... your uncle Jim has realised what a stupid stubborn fool he's been and has given up living in the garage and has come in back into the house again. Ha ... Ha ... I knew he wouldn't last more than a few days out there ...

But I showed him who is the boss ... as soon as he got back home, I packed a small suitcase and I moved in the garage myself. I showed him that I will not live with him any more ...

He said nothing and parked his big fat backside on the couch and watched TV all evening. I could see him from the garage window. Watching sports and eating pizza.

Of course I go back into the house whenever I need the little girl's room ... you know ... the bathroom. Or when I need the shower ... or when I need to put my face cream on before going to sleep. I also go into the house for doing the cooking and the washing ... also to vacuum clean because he is as lazy as a ... as a ... what is the name of that lazy animal that hangs off trees? A marmoset ... no ... a sloth ... 

 

I also leave him some cooking ... he likes the way I do lasagne or my hot pot ... if I don't cook for your lazy uncle he'd eat pizza every day. The pizza delivery man has been here so often he is practically one of the family.

 

Anyway ... I've been in the garage for three days now. I'll admit it is a bit cold at night. But don't tell Jim ... I'd hate him to think he's winning. Let him suffer in the house all alone. Him and his TV and pizza ... and country records ... the other day he played Willie Nelson's song ... You left a long long time ago ...  

He played it over and over again that I know all the words by heart. I think he misses me ... you know ...

I think I' get back in the house and make up with him ... I've got to make sure he feeds well you know ... also ... there's a big spider in the garage and I don't like spending another night in the garage with him ... ... ... but don't tell Jim I told you.