What's up doc?

 

It's been a while since I told y'all what's been happening here in my neighbourhood. So let's put things right, shall we?

For a start, the traffic lights at the end of the road got faulty and were stuck on red all the time. You should have seen the queue, (line), of cars all standing there waiting for the lights to change to green. 

The number of cars stretched about half-a-mile or so. There was a lot of hooting of horns, each one thinking the car in front was not moving. A lot of people swearing out of their car windows at each other. Some threatening to write letters of complaint to the authorities. But no one dared cross the intersection and drive on through red; even though there were no cars coming the other way at the intersection because that road was closed due to road works. 

Eventually, all the cars did a U turn and drove back the way they came rather than cross the intersection whilst the lights were on red; and there were no other cars coming from left or right at the intersection. 

Oh ... and another thing happened over here. A local Bank has installed an ATM ... you know, one of those machines where you can withdraw cash ... they installed an ATM up a tree. They said if it proves successful they will do the same in other branches.

I went to visit Mrs McPearson the other day. She is about 80 years old and lives with her 18 years old grand-daughter whose parents, (Mrs McPearson's son and wife), are on business abroad for six months. 

I was discussing her health and she showed the list of medications she takes. To my surprise, I discovered that she has been prescribed birth control pills. I surreptitiously asked her about them. She said they help her sleep.

I explained that there is nothing in birth control pills to help her get to sleep.

She said she knows that; but every morning she grinds one up and puts it in her grand-daughter's orange juice; and that helps Mrs McPearson sleep well at night.

Whilst clearing up some old files I found my old school books and that set me thinking. I read the comments my teacher wrote in red in my book. So what if I did not know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world is it?

I also found another book about Happy Marriages. Did you know that if it weren't for marriage men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 

Marriages can make happy families. I like my family. If it was not for my family I would be having arguments with perfect strangers.

I had a happy family childhood. When I was young my parents were very strict. Until I was 8 I always thought my name was "Shut-up". I was told that my mom did not like me when I was a baby. She used to get morning sickness well after I was born. At least six months after I was born. Then as a teenager my parents used to make me walk the plank. They could not afford a dog. Dad used to take me out fishing and swimming in his boat at sea. He lowered me in the water and taught me to swim. I always got to shore before the sharks.

My parents told me that my uncle used to steal from his job as a road worker. I did not believe it; but when I visited his home all the signs were there.

This uncle cured me from my fear of monsters under the bed. He cut the legs off the bed. After that, I was afraid of squashed monsters under the bed.

He had many ups and downs in life. He worked as an elevator attendant at a local hotel. He once had an argument with his boss and stormed out of the hotel and slammed the revolving door behind him. He was soon back in and got his job back.

He told me he read a book entitled "The 10 films you should see before you die!" He said he only saw nine of them because he did not want to tempt fate.

I was thrown out of a posh restaurant in town for taking a bottle of tomato ketchup with me. The last time I went there they did not have ketchup for me to put on my lobster thermidor. So this time I took my own bottle to put on my oysters starter and the waiter got very angry with me. They asked me to leave before I had even ordered a hamburger and French fries.

Oh by the way ... I meant to tell you ... nearly forgot ... be careful if you receive an e-mail titled "Ding Dong". It's those religious people working from home. 

In church on Sunday the sermon was about you come from dust and will return to dust. That's a good reason not to vacuum clean in case you're picking up someone.

Well, that's generally it from over here. How is it over there where you are?