Not For The Ladies ...

 

 

THIS POST IS NOT FOR LADIES

OR PEOPLE WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED

 

I was at a business conference held in a hotel up North. At the same time as our conference there was a clowns gathering. There were clowns from all over the country there. All dressed in their circus costume in bright colours and most of them with red noses, painted faces, and orange, or blue or green hair.

In short, the place was full of clowns. Including those from our organisation who were soberly dressed in business suits but were clowns all the same.

I went to the Gents Restroom. There was a clown there holding a small dog and wearing those very long oversized shoes for comedic effect. You know the ones ... those shoes long at the front which allow you to lean forwards well out of the centre of gravity yet you do not fall on your face.

When I got in he asked me if I could hold his small dog so he could "point Percy at the porcelain" as they say in my circles.

I held the dog; but just as he approached the urinal he discovered that he was quite a distance away from it in order to do his business. He tried to lean forwards but that only brought his head near the receptacle, not his ...

He tried to twist his feet sideways, looking like a pregnant duck, so that he could approach nearer, but that did not help either.

He looked at me in despair as if to say "I REALLY must go ... can't hold it any longer."

I suggested he takes his shoes off. He said he could not do that because somehow they were attached to a contraption up his trouser legs which allowed him to lean forwards out of the centre of gravity. They were not ordinary shoes but a whole contraption fitting round his legs and feet.

I suggested he "goes like a lady" by sitting down in one of the cubicles. 

That did not work either because with his big feet the cubicle door would not shut. If he sat on the throne with the door open he'd be in full view of everyone ... and the dog. Also, the cubicle was not wide enough for him to turn round if he went in face forwards. So he backed into the cubicle. That did not work either because he discovered that his one piece costume would mean he has to get totally undressed. He'd only just met me ... remember. We were not friends or anything like that for him to disrobe in my presence!

Just at this moment another clown came in. One working for me in our organisation. Not a real clown.

He looked at me, then the clown, (the real one), then the dog, then at me and said nothing. He did his business.

I stopped him from leaving and explained the problem. 

He thought for a moment and then came up with the most ludicrous idea you could think of. He always did that at work. Totally unworkable ideas. I don't know why I did not fire him ... or get him promoted. It's always easier to promote useless people to a higher position.

I had done that once before. I had another useless worker and instead of firing him I engineered a promotion in another department. He was so grateful. Only, his new boss had the same idea as me and within a year the man was promoted again and returned to our department as my boss.

Anyway, back to the Restroom with the "two clowns and a dog". (Title for a song!)

My colleague suggested that the two of us pick up the clown, turn him upside down, and slowly bring him closer to the urinal so he can do his business.

At this point, my imagination was working just as yours is doing right now.

Picture the scene. Two men in business suits, pick up a clown with big feet upside down, they slowly and in unison approach the bowl, whilst he opens his zipper and gets relief.

I put the dog on the ground. Pushed a chair behind the door so that the small dog does not escape if anyone comes in.

We picked up the clown. As we got him in position upside down he said he was ticklish and started wriggling and laughing like a live eel chasing its partner. 

He slipped through our fingers and fell with a bump on his head. His laughter turned to cries just as the loudspeaker on the wall called me and my colleague back to the Conference Hall.

We ran out of the Gents Restroom and left him there with his dog.

Later on I saw him in the car park with his dog. He was still holding it ... the dog!