Arachnophobia Therapy

 

Hello everyone. Welcome to Arachnophobia Therapy Unlimited. We are here to help you. Arachnophobia means the fear of spiders. There is nothing wrong with being afraid of spiders.

Let me tell you ... you are not alone. 

There are spiders everywhere. Outdoors, indoors, in homes, in cars, on trains and buses. Everywhere. At home, they are not just in your bath tub, but everywhere ... including your bedroom. There is scientific evidence that at least 40% of us have swallowed a spider in our sleep.

I know ... I know ... you find this frightening and disgusting. But you are here to be cured of these feelings. In fact, as a starter to this session we have placed a spider's nest underneath each of your chairs.

All right ... all right ... calm down ... sit down please ... sit down ... PLEASE CALM DOWN. Thank you ... calm down ...

Miss Henderson ... please get off your chair and don't pull your skirt so high up to your navel. Especially wearing such skimpy underwear. Mrs Granger ... please help her down from the chair. 

Now then ... of course we did not place any spiders under your chairs. But ask yourselves ... why did you all behave as you did?

Because we as humans are too compliant towards the animal kingdom.

And the animals know that. We throw a stick in the park and the dog goes to fetch it. Why can't he throw his own stick?

When a cat climbs up a tree and he's afraid to get down again, we call the fire brigade to get him down.

We seem to do everything the animals ask for; and they know it.

Take dolphins for instance. Many people pay a fortune to go swimming with dolphins. And the dolphins enjoy the attention and get fed by us.

Not me ... I'd prefer to go cycling with dolphins, on the principle that if we can learn to swim they should be bothered enough to learn to cycle.

Years ago I could not afford to go swimming with dolphins with the whole family. So we went swimming with sardines instead.

As soon as I got in the water they all avoided me and swam away. Stupid creatures. They prefer to squeeze themselves into a tin and leave the key outside.

Any way, back to spiders. You will have read that a certain Peter Parker got bitten by a spider and turned into a spider hero himself. Should this happen to you during this therapy session we have the appropriate costumes for you to buy at a reduced cost. That is after you have undergone a total blood transfusion, (optional), at a price to be quoted on demand.

Oh ... and another thing ... when you have been cured of your phobia, you can purchase a real live spider as a pet from the souvenir shop. They cost $10 each, although you can get them cheaper from the web.

Now then ... how to cure you from your fear of spiders?

To conquer a spider you must be a spider. A spider is more afraid of you than you of it.

Come on now ... all of you. Get down on the floor ... on all fours ... on your hands and knees and crawl around aimlessly like a spider does.

Miss Henderson ... please pull down you skirt at the back ... it's distracting the other spiders. 

OK... sit down all of you. Say I am not afraid of spiders. Repeat it again. Three times. With conviction.

Say I AM a spider. I AM A SPIDER. Again. Again.

Right ... that's it for today. See you all next week. By session 25 you'll all be new men and women no longer afraid of spiders. You could enrol in other therapy sessions.

Like fear of apple pies. Fear of tricycle wheels. Fear of the underneath of ships. Fear of the letter omega in the Greek alphabet. Or any other fear that you may have!

You have nothing to fear but fear itself.