Tarzan

 

I was watching an old Tarzan film the other day. You don't often get Tarzan films on TV or the cinema these days. I wonder why. This was an old VHS tape which a friend had transferred to DVD.

Anyway, I was watching it and then it suddenly struck me. I saw something I'd never seen before. Maybe it was that second bottle of whisky that did it. It clears the mind, you know. It makes you think clearly and clears the mind. Helps you concentrate.

I read somewhere that people who do delicate intricate work, like doctors performing delicate operations, scientists working on very accurate to the nth degree work, or people driving machinery; they all have a tot or two of whisky before work to help them concentrate.

A friend of mine who drives a crane on a demolition site always has whisky before work. He swears by it. He is also a Wedding Planner in his spare time. As a special offer he also arranges divorces at the same time.

But I digress, as I often do with whisky. 

I was watching Tarzan and then I had this original thought. When Tom Hanks was stranded on a desert island on that film Cast Away he soon grew a beard.

How come Tarzan never grew a beard? Did he perhaps have an electric shaver? And if so, was it battery operated? Because there is no electricity in the jungle. And where did he buy new batteries from, since he could hardly re-charge the batteries with no electricity?

I took another swig of whisky and had another original thought.

Tarzan is supposed to have been brought up as a baby in the jungle by monkeys. Chimpanzees, I think. Or was it gorillas? I don't know. I don't care. I don't think it matters overall when you're drinking whisky.

But it matters to my original thought. At what point as he grew up did he realise he needed some pants to cover his lower regions? I mean ... the monkeys were naked. So were the hippos, crocodiles, lions and everyone else. He was a baby at the time. As he grew up; where did he get the idea to wear pants? And where did he buy them from? The internet?

I think the film would have been more authentic if he was totally naked. Can you envisage it? Swinging from tree to tree totally nude with his bits swinging in the air.

Jane would look at him and say, "Oh my ... I don't know where to look!" But she'd look anyway to check the small details.

I think Tarzan missed a marketing trick by not being naked. His films would have been much more popular than they are now.

I took another drink of whisky and imagined a conversation between Tarzan and Jane.

What do you think they'd say when they first meet? Don't be shy. Let us know how you imagine the first conversation between those two went. It could be part of a new script for a re-make of the film. Who should play the role of Tarzan do you think?