Home Alone For Christmas

 

I was home alone. It was night. It was dark. And I was all alone.

Why do things happen when you are at home alone? The family had gone away for a few days. They even took the dog with them. The cat had gone out for his daily walk outdoors.

I was in the living room. There was nothing on TV but dust on the screen. My wife had obviously forgot to clean it before she left. I'll have a word with her about that when she returns.

I sat there reading one of my books. Someone has to. I never get the chance to read them when I'm writing them. I always hurry to see how the story ends. I look at the last page and find it is still a blank page, so I go back to the beginning and write fast so I can get to the ending of the book.

I heard a noise from the kitchen. I jumped out of my skin. I held my breath and nearly fainted. There it was again. The same sound ... and again ... and again ...

I picked up a baseball bat and slowly, without making a noise, I crept into the kitchen. I did not switch the lights on.

There it was again ... tap tap tap ... and again ... tap tap tap ... It seemed to be coming from inside the fridge. It was more like a pecking sound than tapping ... peck ... peck ... peck ... ... ... peck ... peck ... peck ...

My first thought was that my wife had undercooked the chicken once again and it was trying to get out.

She always either under-cooks things or cremate them to a cinder. The other day the oven temperature was so low that the chicken got out, turned the heat on, and got in the oven again.

I hesitated from opening the fridge. If I did, the lights inside would come on and whatever intruder is hiding in there would see me.

By the way, have you ever wondered whether the light inside the fridge goes off when you shut the door? I tried to find out by looking closely near the fridge as I shut the door and caught my nose on the door as it shut. Then I had an idea. I switched my cell phone on video record and put it in the fridge. As I shut the door, the lights went out; and came on again when I opened the fridge.

I also wondered what it feels like going round and round in a microwave oven. So I put my cell phone there and it melted. My wife said I'm an idiot.

Anyway, back to the tapping from inside the fridge. Or was it Gregory Pecking? Did my wife cook a mocking bird I wonder? And there it was inside the fridge mocking me ... peck ... peck ... peck!

Have you noticed how your mind wanders from one thought to another at times? More so when you're in a panic.

I decided that the best way to deal with whoever is in the fridge is to hold him prisoner there. I pulled the heavy table against the fridge door. Then put some heavy furniture on the table. A couple of chairs at first then other things on the chairs. Basically, I barricaded the fridge door so it would not open at all from inside.

For good measure, I unplugged the fridge from the mains electricity. Now, whoever is there will remain in darkness until my wife returns and deal with it.