Inventions

 

You know what they say?

Who they? I don't know ... it's just a saying ... don't interrupt your own thoughts and keep typing. Start again from the top.

You know what they say ... Necessity is the mother of invention. Which means: when the need for something becomes essential, you are forced to find ways of getting or achieving it. 

This happened to me a few times. I think of something I really need and my mind wanders to find a solution and somehow I come up with a brilliant idea which could be turned into an invention and a new product. But somehow I never actually follow it through and make it happen because of lack of funds, or ability, or whatever. The invention is good in my head, and it would benefit society and make me rich, but it never gets off the ground.

Here are some examples.

I was in London, (England), and I slipped on a banana skin and injured my foot and ankle. Auntie was all right. I also hurt my wrists.

I was taken to hospital and they said I needed an anaesthetic. I asked, "Is it a local anaesthetic?" They said, "No it's in Birmingham!"

Now Birmingham is about 125 miles from London. You can do it in two and-a-half hours using the M40 highway.

They put me in a wheelchair and I was pushed down to the car park to my friend's car. The wheelchair has a squeaky wheel that kept stopping suddenly thus turning the whole wheelchair to the left.  

Invention in my brain Number One: Why not have wheelchairs with an extra spare wheel like you have in cars. You could put the spare wheel on the back of the seat and whenever a problem occurs you quickly change wheels on the spot.

We got to the car. My friend had not driven to Birmingham before. He typed "Birmingham" in the GPS satellite navigation system. The predictive text took over and typed Birmingham USA. 

Invention Number Two: Stop all predictive text from all electronic gadgets. It is a stupid idea which teaches children how to be illiterate and bad at spelling. 

We drove and drove and drove ... Instead of going North where Birmingham in the UK is, we were going West towards Wales. Instead of two and-a-half hours it took ages driving through highways, low ways, side ways and all sorts of alleyways. 

It was getting dark. And we were still driving. I thought they had probably moved Birmingham without telling any one.

I was getting hungry. I ate a banana ... ironic since that was the original cause of my present predicament. 

It is then that I realised that all my life I have been eating bananas upside down. Not me being upside down, but the banana. If you are like me, you probably peel the banana from the top, the stalk end where the banana was attached to the bunch of bananas it came from, and you eat it from there.

WRONG. You should peel the banana from the stalk end as usual and then eat it from the bottom end first working your way upwards. It tastes much better. Especially in the dark. Try it.

Invention Number Three: Bananas should be painted with fluorescent paint at one end so we can tell the top from the bottom in the dark.

As we drove on further West I needed to visit the bathroom. But there are no bathrooms in the countryside. All the woods and trees are bathrooms you might say. So we stopped and I searched for the nearest convenient tree. But my wrists were bandaged and still hurt from my fall.

Invention Number Four: Trouser zippers should be made to open and close automatically by means of a remote control. Can you imagine. Just like a TV remote control. You press a button and hey presto the zipper at the front of the trousers opens automatically ... and then closes when you've finished. What a brilliant invention that would be. Automatic remote controlled opening of zippers in trousers.

It would also be useful for ladies' dresses with long zips at the back. Just put on the dress, press the remote control and hey presto the zip is done. 

Be careful though where you leave the remote control to avoid embarrassment. You don't want it in your pocket and the buttons are pressed accidentally and the zip opens up like the curtains on the stage in a theatre when the play is about to start.

Anyway ... we kept driving in the dark. It was almost midnight when we realised our feet were getting wet. 

Damp at first then soaking wet as water was rising inside the car all the way up to our waist.

We had reached Wales, and the sea, and the GPS system was still telling us to keep driving West towards Birmingham USA.

Invention Number Five: GPS satellite systems should not send you on a fool's errand when it is obvious you do not want to go on a wild goose chase.

Change of subject in a related sort of way.

At this time of year we have Christmas trees in our homes. Some are real trees which are cut and then thrown away after Christmas, others are artificial trees which are packed away and used in subsequent years.

Invention Number Six: Christmas trees should be made edible. Any kind or flavour would do. Chocolate, cake, marzipan, Stollen, Panettone or other bakery product. Just have the tree there and every so often eat a piece until Christmas is over.

I went to the shop recently and bought our Christmas tree. The shop assistant said, "It's a big tree. Will you put it up yourself?"

I said, "No ... I'll put it up in the living room!"