One Liners

 

Latest news is that the Vatican is starting a cheque cashing and money transfer operation. They're going to name it Papal.

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My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl…. I said I didn’t know he could.

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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name. But I called her Bluff. 

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Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

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Police say that the man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it… Has been bailed.  

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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the cinema. 

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We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

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I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

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I was at a café and I said to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Sir, but we’ve got no cream. How about with no milk?”  

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My new girlfriend is a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

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A chap jumped in the river in Cairo. Local police say he’s in de Nile.

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My friend is allergic to rice. He’s Basmatic. 

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A friend of mine won Dentist of the Year, and all he got was a little plaque.

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The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

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eBay is so useless. I tried to look up cigarette lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

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Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.

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My obese parrot just died. Sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.

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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

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Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

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I finally realized my parents favoured my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.