It's in the news

 

Do you ever sit in the bath and read your newspaper? I often do. It's the best way to get some peace and quiet and read without interruptions. 

I tried reading the paper in the shower but it gets very wet. In the bath some parts get wet but the newspaper remains dry if you hold it high enough. It is difficult though sitting there with the paper held high and balancing a glass of whisky and a jar of pickled onions. Sometimes it is a jar of pickled cucumbers or other vegetables, but onions are best because they are good for indigestion.

Anyway, I read in the papers the other day that some jogger running in the woods was suddenly attacked by a bear. The man was an amateur wrestler and tried a few times to pin the bear down but was unsuccessful as the bear got up before the count of three. Apparently, the fight went on for several minutes and the bear cheated because he did not fight according to the rules and tore the man to shreds with his paws and sharp teeth.

NOTE: I hope you enjoyed this joke - it was armless fun.

Also in the newspapers there are several stories on the cost of living and redundancies. It seems the authorities intend to shorten the unemployment line by asking people to stand closer together.

I also read that a midget fortune-teller had escaped from prison. The headline in the paper was, "Small medium at large."

This happened when a prison van, with him and other prisoners on board, had collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

Apparently one of the criminals had pick-pocketed the dwarf. How could he stoop so low?

In the papers there was also yet another article debating as to who wrote Shakespeare plays. Some say it was Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe or Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford. Personally I don't care.

I remember as a child at school having to memorise several of his writings. In Antony and Cleopatra, Antony's lieutenant Enobarbus, once described Cleopatra's charms by saying: "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety. Other women cloy the appetites they feed, but she makes hungry where most she satisfies." Basically he said she was good looking. But I did not quite understand that.

Unfortunately, a few days later our history teacher was late because his mother had died that very morning. To comfort him I blurted, "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety."

I got expelled for three days from school as a result. For some reason, I also failed my history exams that year.

A scientific article in the papers said that men will become extinct in some thousand years’ time because there is something wrong with their Y chromosome. This is terrible news. If men became extinct then who will catch the spiders when they fall in the bath?

And finally, firemen called on Miss Frogmarsh down the road to rescue her cat which had climbed a tall tree and could not get down. They brought the cat down to safety and Miss Frogmarsh, an elderly pensioner, invited the firemen in for tea and cakes. After enjoying her generosity they accidentally reversed over the cat and killed it.