Writing letters ...

 

I have been writing letters to various TV stations or companies:

Dear TV Station,

Why is it that you normally broadcast programs in low volume and then when the adverts are on they are broadcast very loud? I know you hope to attract the viewers' attention but this is counter-productive and unprofessional. When I was on the radio the station manager would reprimand us if we played music louder than our talk in-between records. Maybe he should teach you a thing or two about broadcasting.

Dear XYZ TV,

I just watched your program by accident. I don't usually watch it because this is my time to pick up the dog's droppings from the garden, which I must admit is a much more profitable endeavour. On this occasion you had an Agony Aunt type woman on TV taking viewers' calls and giving so-called helpful advice. A lady phoned in distress because she was going through a painful divorce. Your fathead suggested that divorce should not be painful. "It is after all a new beginning," she said, "a new chapter in your life and you should look forward with anticipation with the joy that might lie ahead!"

What a load of fathead manure this woman dispensed. To many, divorce is, and should be, a very painful period in life which often scars people for a long time thereafter. Not only those getting divorced, but also children if there are any in the marriage, as well as other family members and friends. Often, divorces are acrimonious involving bitterness and broken relationships well beyond the married couples. Divorce is not an adventure to be entered into lightly as a means of moving on from the old to a new life. No wonder so many marriages end up in breakdown. 

Note that I have not even mentioned what God said about divorce. Look it up in the Bible if you have one in your TV station.

Dear TV Program Manager,

Thank you. I have enjoyed yet another great episode of Star Trek The Next Generation. I am confused however. How come in the future they have invented so many machines and Starships, and food replicators, and translating machines that can speak so many alien languages, and advanced medical equipment, and Androids as good as Mr Data, and electronic visors for Geordi La Forge to be able to see again, and so many others marvellous inventions, and yet Captain Jean-Luc Picard is still bald? Does that mean that we will never find the cure to baldness and I am wasting my time rubbing chicken poo on my head?

Dear Cookery Program,

I enjoyed the show you just broadcast. My problem is that I do not have, nor know of, some of the ingredients mentioned. One of the chefs used saffron and said it was very expensive. I can't afford that. It looked like tobacco; can I use some tobacco from my pipe pouch instead? 

Another recipe involved lobster thermidor. I do not have a thermidor; would a frying pan do instead?

I always like watching your programs whilst having my beans on toast, or pizza and beer. 

Dear TV Station,

I really like all the films you show on TV. Cheaper than going to the cinema. I am confused, however, about something that occurs in all dystopian type films. You know the ones ... the world has blown itself to bits and only a few people survive in a state of total despair in some sort of wilderness bereft of hope and reason and justice. A bit like when the mother-in-law visits here.

In all such films, the men wear tatty, torn clothes and have long beards and long hair, yet the women have shaved their under arms and legs and look very sexy having used the latest shampoo and toothpaste. How is that possible? Is it because the women of the future will not share their razor blades, shampoo and toothpaste with men? Should I start a stash of such luxuries just in case?