Laughter is in the mind

 

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. It was a raw tomato.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

I once shot a lion in my pyjamas. What he was doing in my pyjamas I’ll never know.

I’m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.

What's black and white and goes round and round? A penguin in the washing machine.

I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.

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