Time to Smile

 

Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”
Husband replies excitingly, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!!!”
Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my Mom you won’t mind her moving in!” 

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Grandpa’s last words will stay with me forever: “Quit rattlin’ the ladder ya little hooligan!”

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An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

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A new boss is appointed in an office, and he has a really fierce reputation.
He’s walking through the office for the first time when he spots a guy just leaning against a door frame, doing nothing just staring in mid-distance.
The boss decides to show everybody how things are going to be from now on. He approaches the guy and asks him sternly, “What is your monthly salary?”
“£1500,” replies the man, a bit surprised.
The boss whips out his wallet, thrusts £3000 at the guy and yells, “There’s your two months’ pay, now get out of here and never show your face again!”
The guy takes the money and leaves. The boss, feeling good he’s shown everybody how idle hands are dealt with, asks, “So what was that lazy jerk doing in this place?”
One clerk shrugs, “He just delivered our pizza.”

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A wife calls her husband at work, “Robert, have you ever experienced this piercing pains all over your body? Like as if somebody had a voodoo doll image of you and was sticking pins into it?”
“No…” he replied confusedly.
“Alright, hang on… and now?”

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A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.

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A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have acetylsalicylic acid, please?”
“You mean aspirin?” wonders the pharmacist.
“Ah yeah, aspirin, I can never remember that name!”

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I went on a date with a chess player to an Italian restaurant with chequered table cloths. It took him maybe half an hour to pass the salt.