Tuesday, 13 February 2018
On the psychiatrist's couch
Patient: Please doctor, you've got to help me out.
Psychiatrist: Certainly. Which way did you come in?
Patient: Through the door just here.
Psychiatrist: Would you like to get out through the window instead?
Patient: No doctor ... I am having these recurring dreams.
Psychiatrist: Here ... lie on the couch. Take your shoes off first; I've just had the couch cleaned. My ... oh my ... your socks smell! Now then ... tell me, what seems to be troubling you.
Patient: I'd like to ask you first ... are you a Freudian psychiatrist or a Jung?
Psychiatrist: Neither ... I learnt psychiatry by watching Frazier Crane on TV.
Patient: Oh ... OK ... I keep having this same dream night after night.
Psychiatrist: Is it about your mother?
Psychiatrist: Pity. I am good at dreams about one's mother. Oedipus and all that. Reminds me of my own Mom. She was so kind and sweet. I liked her you know. I wish I had met her before my Dad did ...
Patient: No doctor. The dreams are not about my mother.
Psychiatrist: Are they about my mother then? Do you know my mother?
Patient: No ... they are not about anyone's mother.
Psychiatrist: What are they about then? Because I am not very good at other dreams.
Patient: They are about this woman ...
Psychiatrist: Ah ... now we're getting somewhere. Tell me more. Whose mother is she? Have you got her phone number?
Patient: No ... no phone number. She is young, very beautiful, blonde hair, sexy voice ... and she keeps calling my name softly.
Psychiatrist: Is your name Softly?
Patient: No it isn't.
Psychiatrist: I see. Why does she call you Softly then? What does she say?
Patient: She keeps calling ... Felix ... Felix ... Felix ...
Psychiatrist: Felix? Is that your name?
Patient: No ... it's my cat's name.
Psychiatrist: Why did your mother name you after a cat?
Patient: She didn't name me after a cat. She named the cat after a cat.
Psychiatrist: What did your mother name you?
Psychiatrist: What happened next? In your dream?
Patient: Then I am running down the street chased by ...
Psychiatrist: Your mother?
Patient: No ...
Psychiatrist: My mother?
Patient: No ... by ...
Psychiatrist: Felix's mother?
Patient: No doctor! Why has it always to be someone's mother?
Psychiatrist: Well, you know how it is? If it is not one thing it's the mother!
Patient: Well it isn't this time. In fact every time I am running down the street I am chased by a ... zebra!
Psychiatrist: A zebra? Are you sure?
Patient: Yes ... I got it in black and white ... etched on my mind. It's a zebra. It looks like a horse, but it is definitely a zebra.
Psychiatrist: You seem pretty sure.
Patient: So would you be if it chased you every night!
Psychiatrist: Why is this zebra chasing you every night?
Patient: I don't know. I thought you could help me interpret the dream.
Psychiatrist: I can't do that. I don't speak zebra.
Patient: What does all this mean, doctor?
Psychiatrist: It means your time's up. See you next week. And bring your mother with you!