The Joys of getting older

They say people should grow old gracefully. What nonsense. As we grow older, now's the time to venture into a little mischief.

Men especially. They can get away with most mischief and people think they are cute because they are of a "certain age". They can be eccentric in the way they behave and no one seems to mind.

An old acquaintance of mine, was shopping at the supermarket. As we were at the check-out, a woman standing behind us, seeing a bag of "Woof Woof" dog food, asked him: "Do you have a dog?"

He replied: "No ... this is for me. I am on a dog diet. I probably should stop because the last time I ate some I ended in Intensive Care in Hospital."

She asked him to explain.

He said that essentially dog food is the perfect diet. He puts some "Woof Woof" pellets in his pocket and whenever he is hungry he eats a few.

She asked him if the dog food had poisoned him.

"No ..." he replied, "I just stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me!"

As you grow older you can afford to be grumpy and get away with it. For example, the other day I had to go to the doctor for a routine check up. As I entered his insulting room he asked me nicely, "And how are you feeling these days?"

I replied, "What is it to you, you nosey beggar? Mind your own business!"

He was taken aback, but he sure will remember me next time I visit.

So there you are folks! Whether you are young or old. Act peculiar. Be a fruit cake. Be eccentric. Be remembered.

Take a dog lead with you for a walk. Stop by a tree and ask passers-by to help you get your dog down from the tree.

Take an old newspaper to the library and tell the assistant you have read it, can you change it for a new one.

Put a suppository in your ear and ask people to help you search for your hearing-aid.

Wear a lamp shade on your head and tell people to lighten up.

Eat a banana on the bus and throw the skin in someone's shopping bag. They'll get a pleasant surprise when they get home. 

Go to the supermarket and ask to buy one of those dividers they have on the conveyor belt check-out to separate customers shopping.

Don't buy anything from the supermarket and stand in line at the check-out. When it is your turn tell the shop assistant you bought nothing.

Go to the baker and ask him, "Have you got any bread rolls left?" If he says "Yes" tell him, "serves you right for baking so many!"

If you're a Catholic, like me, go to your priest for Confession  and ask him if he's heard any good rumours lately.  

Why not stick some feathers on a carrot and put it on your shoulder and tell people you're a vegetarian pirate?

Ask people in the street if they believe in free speech. If they say "YES" ask to borrow their cellphone to phone someone.

Knock on houses and tell people you're a door-to-door vacuum cleaner buyer. Do they have a vacuum cleaner for sale?

Here's another good trick. Dress properly and neatly. That should surprise the woman in your life.

Place a bobbin of white thread in the inside pocket of your jacket.

With a sewing needle push through a piece of the white thread through the shoulder of your jacket. Leave the thread hanging there on your shoulder. About two inches should do. It will look obvious on a dark jacket.

A woman is bound to be helpful and pick up the thread. As she pulls, more thread will come through from the reserve in your pocket. And more thread ... and more ...

Oh the fun I've had with the women in my life. 

Keep happy and enjoy what you like. An extra scoop of ice cream or a cake or whatever you fancy. 

Don't worry about tomorrow. It has already happened in Australia.

And don't forget to visit and/or submit articles to The Christian Lounge - whatever your age.