I'll never understand women

 

I have mentioned it before, the fact is, I will never understand women.

Louise is a friend of ours. She’s single and she is very beautiful. She lives not far from us.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up our driveway and knocked on our door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I was surprised at this overt suggestion. I replied hesitantly, "Nope, I’m free!"

"Great" she said, "Can you watch my dog?"

I mean ... what if we were going out this evening? Who would have baby-sat her dog?

Here's another example. In London a few days ago, I was walking towards the railway station on my way home, when this woman stops me in the street and said, "Do you want a good time?"

I must have misheard her because I said, "It's quarter past seven!" 

She replied, "Thanks for nothing" and walked away.

What was all that about? I don't understand. 

And another example about women ... last week I helped a woman from our Prayer Group mow the lawn because she'd hurt her leg and could not do it herself. When I finished she said with a smile, "I could marry you!"

I couldn't believe it! You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life for ever.

My wife is just as enigmatic.  It was very strange. It was about 11:30 pm last Wednesday night. It was very dark outside when suddenly she shouted, "Golf ... Golf ... Golf ... That's all you speak about. That's all you do. Golf ... Always golf!"

I tell you. It was out of the blue, and I was startled out of my life. I never expected to see her on the golf course at that time of night shouting at the top of her voice.

I never complain about her and her habits. I could be watching something serious on TV like a political program when she would say, "we used to have a car like this one, do you remember?"

And she'd expect an answer, by which time I would have missed the point that politician was making.

Or I could be watching a documentary and they show a country somewhere ... say Canada for instance ... and she'd say "Justin Bieber is from Canada ... so is Shania Twain ..."

Well, that information certainly enriched my life, don't you think? By the time I digested and ignored this ground-breaking piece of non-information I have missed once again what they were saying on TV.

On my birthday she bought me two silk ties. We were going out for a meal so I decided to wear one of them. As soon as she saw me she said, "What's wrong with the other one?"

At the restaurant there were a young couple sitting a few tables away. It was obvious they were still in the early phase of love. 

My wife looked at them and said, "Just look at that couple over there, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing it softly. He held the chair for her when they sat at table. He caresses her arm every now and then. Why can’t you do the same?"

I replied, "Are you mad? I barely know that woman!"

I got the silent treatment throughout our meal.

As I said, I'll never understand women!

I'll never understand women ...

 

I may have mentioned it before, I'll never understand women.

As we were going out yesterday my wife pointed at the neighbours and said, "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?"
I replied, "Are you mad? I barely know that woman!"

I got the silent treatment all the way into town. It was a good drive and helped me concentrate.

It has long been held as a theory that women can multi-task better than men. Now I am not sure whether this is true, but I have often been in situations where my wife is sitting beside me reading the road map and at the same time telling me that I am driving too fast, too close to the car in front and to watch out for that cyclist. Sometimes she tells me to turn left and the GPS navigation system lady tells me to turn right. I obey the GPS lady and get the silent treatment - from both of them!

Some women worry about their figure and putting on weight. A recent study discovered that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Do any men reading this find women sometimes strange? Tell us of your experiences. Ladies too ... tell us why you are strange ... (ooops ... joke ... sorry)

My wife is strange. Her behaviour was very strange the other day. 

It was about 11:30 at night when suddenly my wife shouted, "Golf ... Golf ... Golf ... That's all you speak about. That's all you do. Golf ... Always golf!"

I tell you. It was out of the blue, and I was startled out of my life. I never expected to see her on the golf course at that time of night. I was practising quietly and there she was. Shouting at the top of her voice.

I'll never understand women.

I will never understand women

Let's be honest. None of us is a Saint. There must be things in life which irritate us beyond words and make us less than Saints.

For me, it is people talking whilst watching TV. I could be sitting there quietly watching something serious about the downturn in the economy when someone would say, "we used to have a car like this one on TV!" Now I tell you, how has this piece of information enhanced my life or improved my understanding of what is a complex subject being explained so clearly and succinctly by this TV expert?

It is even worse when the sideline comment is in the form of a question. For example the TV program would mention Birmingham and someone would say, "Did you know that at university I had a friend from Birmingham? Julie ... do you remember her?"

Now do you think I care whether Julie, whoever she is or was, came from Birmingham or from anywhere else? Whilst trying politely to answer the inane question I have missed the next bit about who scored at football and how.

In order to stop such interruptions whilst TV viewing is in progress I have put forward some modest suggestions to be adhered to by one and all:

Whilst the TV is on there will be no talking or interruptions whatsoever. If you have something to say, or a question to ask, just write it down on a piece of paper and we will discuss it later at an appropriate time prearranged for this specific purpose.

TV viewing is no different to being in the cinema. You would not expect people to discuss their friend from Birmingham at the cinema and disturb everyone else; so why do it when the TV is on? People usually keep quiet at the cinema. That is unless they are sitting in the back row at the movies. Since we do not have a back row at home we will remain quiet when the TV is on.

Should anyone wish to consume potato chips, biscuits, corn flakes or anything else of a crunchy nature they will do so quietly by placing the potato chip in their mouth and softening it until fully moist and then swallowing it. 

Needless to say, before I could continue with my list of perfectly reasonable suggestions they were met with the silent treatment. Dear Lord ... did I get the silent treatment; which lasted for an eternity and a half.

I will never understand women.

So tell us, what does irritate you in life? And what suggestions have you put forward to remedy the situation?