Try saying that with a mouthfull of marshmallows!
Anyway, one thing most people are talking about round here where I live is the weather. This is because in the UK we often talk about the weather when we have nothing else interesting to talk about. So let's stick to this subject for a while.
Apparently, we have had the warmest winter since records began.
Now, I often wonder, when exactly did records begin? Did it happen in some far off day in the past when someone picked up a piece of paper and wrote "It is hot today! Records have begun".
Did he on the next day write "It is hotter today. This is the hottest it's been since records began yesterday".
Anyway, whether it is real or not, it does seem that the trend is that the weather is getting warmer year on year. I believe scientists call this global warming; but what is global warming anyway, and what does cause it if it exists at all.
All sorts of people have different ideas at what is making the climate generally warm throughout the world.
I think temperatures are higher these days because of candles. Can you imagine how many candles are lit at any one time in the world? In churches, in restaurants, at romantic dinner tables, in the bathroom - I mean; whoever thought of candles in the bathroom? Very dangerous if you happen to singe your hair. On birthday cakes too? Come on - admit it. How many candles are on your birthday cake each year? You and all these other candles are contributing to global warming.
That and cows farting apparently. It seems that all the gases coming out of cows float up to the sky and make a hole in the sky through which the warmth of the earth escapes and the sun rays get in through the hole in the sky and makes us warm again.
By the way, did you know that kangaroos don't fart? Their digestive systems don't have the enzymes needed to cause farting like in cows and humans. No wonder they hop around so much. So don't blame global warming on the Australians! They're blameless about this.
One thing about the Australians though. They always want to be first. Have you noticed how on New Year's eve they are always the first to celebrate with fireworks? By the time we in England get to celebrate it is already tomorrow.
Anyway, as I meant to say before I derailed my train of thought. Because of this warm winter our tortoise woke up early and got out of its hibernation. So I put it in the fridge. The next day I found out it ate all our lettuce. As soon as I opened the fridge it rushed out in the garden to go to the toilet. It bolted so quickly we thought someone had kicked a football out the house. Why is a tortoise so shaped anyway with all those patterns on its shell? Is it meant to be aero-dynamic? What for, since it hardly goes very fast normally.
Apparently, the same thing happened at the local zoo. All the hibernating animals such as lemurs, squirrels, mice and other rodents woke up from hibernation because the weather has been so warm lately. But they did not put them in the fridge because it was full of bears hibernating.
Tortoises are slow though, aren't they. I wonder why. So are snails too. Very slow. Did you know that if a snail climbed up your leg it would be at least two days before you said "OOOH !!! What a surprise!"
It's an odd world we live in I think. It's getting warm when it's supposed to be winter and the whole of creation is confused. I read in the papers that an elephant in our local zoo got so confused that he climbed a tree and sat there right on top. They did not know how to get him down. Then an expert suggested we wait until fall and he'll come down with the leaves.
And that's the problem you see. Not enough lateral thinking - that's thinking when you're lying down in bed. I'm convinced what the world needs now is more experts. Whenever there's some bad news on TV, an economic problem somewhere, a medical situation that needs resolving, some difficult political situation, or whatever else you might see on the news - it's the lack of experts that holds us back from finding a solution. Where are all the experts on every conceivable subject when you need them? Why can't they explain why it is getting warmer these days?
If we had experts then we could all go to sleep happily at night knowing that all is well with the world and any global warming that may or may not exist can always be blamed on someone else and not you. Personally, I find the best way to combat global warming is by keeping our fridge door open.
DISCLAIMER - No animals or humans have been harmed in the writing of this Blog. No cow or kangaroo have been asked to emit any bodily gases, nor have any tortoises, lemurs, squirrels, mice or rodents been put in fridges (because of the bears who were there already). Nor have any snails been made to climb up your leg or elephants up trees. It all happened in the writer's imagination.
