What's up doc?

 

It's been a while since I told y'all what's been happening here in my neighbourhood. So let's put things right, shall we?

For a start, the traffic lights at the end of the road got faulty and were stuck on red all the time. You should have seen the queue, (line), of cars all standing there waiting for the lights to change to green. 

The number of cars stretched about half-a-mile or so. There was a lot of hooting of horns, each one thinking the car in front was not moving. A lot of people swearing out of their car windows at each other. Some threatening to write letters of complaint to the authorities. But no one dared cross the intersection and drive on through red; even though there were no cars coming the other way at the intersection because that road was closed due to road works. 

Eventually, all the cars did a U turn and drove back the way they came rather than cross the intersection whilst the lights were on red; and there were no other cars coming from left or right at the intersection. 

Oh ... and another thing happened over here. A local Bank has installed an ATM ... you know, one of those machines where you can withdraw cash ... they installed an ATM up a tree. They said if it proves successful they will do the same in other branches.

I went to visit Mrs McPearson the other day. She is about 80 years old and lives with her 18 years old grand-daughter whose parents, (Mrs McPearson's son and wife), are on business abroad for six months. 

I was discussing her health and she showed the list of medications she takes. To my surprise, I discovered that she has been prescribed birth control pills. I surreptitiously asked her about them. She said they help her sleep.

I explained that there is nothing in birth control pills to help her get to sleep.

She said she knows that; but every morning she grinds one up and puts it in her grand-daughter's orange juice; and that helps Mrs McPearson sleep well at night.

Whilst clearing up some old files I found my old school books and that set me thinking. I read the comments my teacher wrote in red in my book. So what if I did not know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world is it?

I also found another book about Happy Marriages. Did you know that if it weren't for marriage men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. 

Marriages can make happy families. I like my family. If it was not for my family I would be having arguments with perfect strangers.

I had a happy family childhood. When I was young my parents were very strict. Until I was 8 I always thought my name was "Shut-up". I was told that my mom did not like me when I was a baby. She used to get morning sickness well after I was born. At least six months after I was born. Then as a teenager my parents used to make me walk the plank. They could not afford a dog. Dad used to take me out fishing and swimming in his boat at sea. He lowered me in the water and taught me to swim. I always got to shore before the sharks.

My parents told me that my uncle used to steal from his job as a road worker. I did not believe it; but when I visited his home all the signs were there.

This uncle cured me from my fear of monsters under the bed. He cut the legs off the bed. After that, I was afraid of squashed monsters under the bed.

He had many ups and downs in life. He worked as an elevator attendant at a local hotel. He once had an argument with his boss and stormed out of the hotel and slammed the revolving door behind him. He was soon back in and got his job back.

He told me he read a book entitled "The 10 films you should see before you die!" He said he only saw nine of them because he did not want to tempt fate.

I was thrown out of a posh restaurant in town for taking a bottle of tomato ketchup with me. The last time I went there they did not have ketchup for me to put on my lobster thermidor. So this time I took my own bottle to put on my oysters starter and the waiter got very angry with me. They asked me to leave before I had even ordered a hamburger and French fries.

Oh by the way ... I meant to tell you ... nearly forgot ... be careful if you receive an e-mail titled "Ding Dong". It's those religious people working from home. 

In church on Sunday the sermon was about you come from dust and will return to dust. That's a good reason not to vacuum clean in case you're picking up someone.

Well, that's generally it from over here. How is it over there where you are?

So, what's been happening in the neighbourhood?

Every now and then I like to reflect and report on what's been happening in my corner of the world.

Sadly, I have to report that the manager of the local IKEA store has died. His funeral was delayed because no one could assemble his flat-pack coffin.

I attended the manager's funeral out of respect. I was very disappointed at the poor wifi reception in church. I could not check on my e-mails or watch the latest episode of Downton Abbey.

At the cemetery at the edge of town, a group of undertakers were seen carrying a coffin and going round and round in circles all over the cemetery. It seems they had lost the plot.

Speaking of IKEA, I read somewhere that 12% of babies are conceived in an IKEA bed. This is surprising considering that those shops are normally well-lit.

It seems sadness followed me that day. After the funeral I drove into town. I was in hurry and could not find a parking space. I needed to cash a cheque and there was a long queue at the bank. The queue was 10 people long and by the time I got to the cashier her phone rang. She took the call and burst out crying. It was a personal call saying her elderly aunt had just died. I told her that her aunt will still be dead in a few minutes' time; can she serve me now and cry later. She cried some more and left her desk. I was eventually served by the manager. I got to the car late and got a fine from a traffic warden.

On Tuesday Mrs Floret our friend was rushed into hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst ironing. The doctors asked her how she burnt her other ear. She replied: "It happened when I phoned for an ambulance!"

When I visited Mrs Floret in hospital I met up with Mrs Pendergast, our company accountant's wife. They are very rich. She went in for another dose of botox on her face. When they told her how much it cost she was not at all surprised.

As I was saying, it was sadness again all week. Mrs Pendergast told me that her uncle died suddenly and they did not have time to say goodbye. He collapsed into a bowl of Cheerios.

Her son Jeremy had left home to be a mime artist. They haven't heard from him since.

She told me her husband had been to the doctor's to be tested for an allergy. The doctor put various liquids on his arm and wrote next to them what they were derived from - like house dust, animal fur and so on, to see which liquid would cause a reaction with the skin. Turned out her husband was allergic to the ink in the pen the doctor used.

I tell you, it was a week of sadness around here. On Thursday I was walking the dog and met up with Mr Lancaster our golf club secretary. As we were talking he suddenly collapsed to the ground. I phoned for an ambulance.

The operator asked me, "Where are you?"

I said, "I'm on Eucalyptus Street ..."

She said, "How do you spell the name of the street?"

I could not find a street name sign anywhere. So I dragged Mr Lancaster round the corner and said, "I'm in Oak Street, that's O-A-K."

Life is difficult these days, don't you think? But we try our best to help each other. Every morning I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No!!! She says she'd rather have it in a cup.

A friend of ours, Mr Jeremiah, we call him. He lost his dog and he's inconsolable. I suggested he puts an advert in the local paper. It's two weeks now and the dog is still missing. I asked him, "What did you put in the paper?" He said, "Here boy!!!" 

I went to the doctor's for my regular visit to test my sense of humour. As I arrived, a nun came out of his insulting room crying her heart out. 

"What’s wrong with her?" I asked the doctor.

"I told her she’s pregnant," he replied nonchalantly.

"That’s awful ... terrible ... Is she really pregnant?" I asked.

"No, but it has cured her hiccups," he said.

I told the doctor I was not feeling well. He said, "describe the symptoms."

I replied, "They are yellow cartoon characters on TV. One’s called Homer, and Bart and Marge and …"

He then asked me, "Do you have trouble passing water?"

I said, "I feel dizzy when crossing over a river, not when crossing a railway line or motorway!"

I explained that I had water on the knee. He said I was not aiming straight.

He then asked me a very personal question. "How's your libido?" he said.

I replied, "I've sold that Italian car. Now I have a Toyota!"

As I left the doctor's I met up with Mrs McGuire, an elderly lady I sometimes visit. She was coming in to see the doctor. I noticed she had a suppository sticking out of her ear. I pointed it out politely. She said, "I wonder where I put my hearing aid?"

Anyway, that's been life around here.