First (or early) Dates

 

The last Q&A session "How do you ablute?" proved successful. Here's another one about first dates or courting. But first, my story:

Denise was a work colleague and we'd been seeing each other for a short period. Imagine my surprise and delight when she agreed at my suggestion that we go away somewhere nice for the weekend. I bought the railway tickets and booked a room at the hotel. We met late on a Friday evening at the railway station and planned to take the overnight train all the way to our destination to arrive at dawn the next day. Being a gentleman I carried her suitcase as well as mine.

Before boarding the train I asked Denise to wait on the platform by the train whilst I got a newspaper from the news-stand. Moments later a guard blew a whistle and shouted "All aboard!" Instinctively I picked up the suitcase and jumped in the train as the guard slammed the door and the train moved away.

It was then that I saw Denise waiting for me on the platform. I called for her but she did not hear me. I asked a fellow passenger which train I was on. It was the non-stop train to Jupiter one hundred million miles away. 

I was on the wrong train thinking that Denise had boarded it when the guard blew his whistle. It was before cell-phones and I had no way of contacting her or jumping off the train.

I arrived in Jupiter at about 6:00am Saturday morning. The train inspector fined me £50 for being on the train without a ticket. He did not care about my story or the fact that I had tickets for the right train to prove it; and that my sweetheart had been left behind on the platform.

I phoned Denise. Her friend, Fat Legs Lucy, answered the phone and slammed it down on me. I tried a few more times with no effect.

I went to a hotel and decided to stay there for the day and return home on Sunday - no trains back until then.

I sat on the bed and wondered what could have been. I had arranged for a bottle of champagne to be delivered in our room at the hotel Denise and I would have been staying at. I wondered whether they'd refund me the cost.

It was at that moment that I realised I had Denise's suitcase with me. Where's mine? I had forgotten it by the news-stand at the railway station. I had no change of clothing. I wondered whether Denise had packed a pink night-dress to match my pink pyjamas.  

On Sunday I returned home. I phoned Denise a few times but each time Fat Legs Lucy answered and she slammed the phone on me. She warned me not to attempt to go to her apartment. 

On Monday all my work's colleagues avoided me and stared at me in anger. I asked one of them to give Denise her suitcase.

I went to the railway station Lost Property office to collect my suitcase. To identify my property I had to tell the officer what was inside. He opened the suitcase and sniggered when he saw my pink pyjamas. I regretted that I did not pack the lemon green one instead.

Denise and I made our peace a few days later.

Now over to you.

What is your humourous or interesting adventure when you were dating?

How did you first meet?

How memorable was it?

Anything you wish to share?  

My first dates

 

Do you remember your first date? Was it romantic? Did stars twinkle in the sky and soft music fill the air?

I guess the dating scene has changed over the years. If I was dating today I'd just phone for a pizza to be delivered and open a couple of cans of beer. Saves the hassle of having to dress up and put on a tie. 

I remember my first date. I wanted to impress and there was a new McDonald's in town. I rang them to make a reservation and they said that I cannot book a table in advance. So I went to another fast food restaurant nearby which I knew would have a table because it was always empty. People just went in for a quick take-out meal and left. As we sat there I soon realised I made a mistake. I was not impressed by their wine list, because they did not have any. No waiter service either. The girl at the counter said she'd wrap my fish and chips in a paper bag and I was invited to sit at a table in the corner. She also suggested a couple of cans of soft drinks.

First dates are difficult because I do not know what to say. Do I ask direct questions like what is your opinion about the rate of inflation compared to the GDP of the country at this point in time?

Or do I go for something more subtle like, what is your favourite colour? Do you believe there are animals in Heaven and what would you say if you met a KFC you had for lunch? 

First dates are important because it is an opportunity to get to know the other person better. I usually show great interest in the lady I am dating and ask her questions about herself. Like, do you have a criminal record? Did you finish your education and go to University? How much are you earning? 

I must admit, I have not been very successful with this line of questioning. I guess the ladies I dated were too shy to talk about themselves. 

I said to a date once, "Do you know that my uncle invented the colour mauve? He was in a shop with his wife and she picked up a garment and asked him what colour it was. He was in a hurry to get home so he said, "Come on ... move!" She said, "That's a lovely colour, mauve!"

I told another girl, "My uncle discovered the East Pole. He could not pin it down because it kept moving away from him as the earth rotated. When he went to the North Pole he sat on a block of ice and took photos of the scenery - he developed Polaroids!"

That line of conversation did not work either. So I tried chat-up lines.

I was once fortunate to date a well-to-do young lady who liked horse riding and competed at events. I said to her "Marry me Celestine and I’ll never look at another horse again!" For some reason she slapped my face and I never saw her after that.

Another young lady had a beautiful petite nose, so to compliment her I said, "Did you pick your nose yourself, or were you born like that?" Another slap in the face and a no-show after that.

Other lines used unsuccessfully were:

"Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!"

"If I were a cat I'd spend all 9 lives with you."

"Please call 9-1-1, because you just made my heart stop!"

"Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first." (Borrowed from Groucho Marx).

I guess women were not interested in me.

Until one day ... ... ...

How about your first dates? 

On A Date

                                                                

There's a program on TV about people on a date. You see them sitting at a restaurant talking to each other over a meal and you wonder whether they will get to like each other or not.

It amazes me the kind of question they ask each other, especially considering they've never met before.

Questions like, "what is your favourite colour?" What stupid kind of a question is that to ask someone you've never met before? What does it matter what your future partner in life's favourite colour is? It could be red, blue, green or whatever. Unless it is crucial in the choosing of carpets or curtains does it really matter? Will you suddenly give up on a date and future prospects because your date likes red and you do not?

"Sorry Miss, I have to leave. There is absolutely no chance on earth that I will ever love you. You may well be the perfect wife and soul mate for me and we could well end up loving each other for eternity and have the most wonderful family ever ... but I tell you, it will not happen. You've said your favourite colour is red. And it isn't mine. It's over as Roy Orbison would say. I wonder what his favourite colour was? He always wore black. Or is that Johnny Cash? The man in black. You've got me totally confused by choosing red ... Good bye!!!"

Do you know that my uncle invented the colour mauve? Before that there was purple, violet, but not mauve. He was in a shop with his wife and she picked up a garment she liked. He was in a hurry to get home and watch the football on TV. She kept looking at the garment and said, "I like this. I wonder what colour they call it?" He was in such a hurry that he said, "Come on ... move!" 

"Oh ..." she said, "mauve ... I like it," and bought the garment.

Anyway, back to the restaurant. A woman asked her blind date, "if you were an animal what animal would you be?"

What kind of dumb question is that? You might as well asked her her favourite colour! If my date asked me such a thing I'd say I want to be a tarantula or a tiger to make sure she runs away with her stupid questions never to be seen again.

Now in real life I was always very suave and sophisticated in appearance as well as in my attention to details as well as attention to the lady in question. I made good conversation and my questions had a purpose.

I believe that you only have one chance to make a first impression. After that, if you're lucky enough to go on a second date with the lady it will be a second impression. First impressions count. Wear something distinguished that she'll remember. A flower in your button hole, a scarf or cravat round your neck, an expensive tie pin or badge. Things like that are noticeable and would make an impression. Personally, I have found that wearing underpants on my head has the same effect. See what they've done for Superman when he wore his above his trousers.

Once on a date I asked the young lady, "Do you like wasps?"

There was a purpose behind that question. On a second date a week later I took her out on a picnic in the countryside. Before we sat on the ground to eat I sprayed an insect repellent in the air to keep the wasps and mosquitoes away. Unfortunately some went in her face and she started to cough and splutter violently saying it went in her eyes. I phoned for an ambulance. Using her cellphone because mine had run out of power. As I searched through her handbag for the phone the contents emptied on the ground. Amazing what women carry in their handbags. There were some very embarrassing things too as I recall. Why do you need them in your handbag?

The ambulance took her to hospital. I never saw her again. I had a nice picnic on my own though with more for me to eat. Unfortunately the strawberry cake tasted a bit of insect spray. At least if I swallowed a wasp it would be dead before it reached inside me.

On another occasion I took a different lady to a restaurant. The waiter stood slightly behind her whilst taking our order and kept shaking his head discreetly and winked at me.

I ordered the fish. He shook his head. I thought he was trying to steer me away from a bad choice. I changed my mind and ordered the steak. He shook his head and winked. I changed to the lasagne. Same thing. This went on a few times. 

She got annoyed that I was indecisive. She asked me if I felt the same about women; changing my mind all the time? I denied it of course. 

He winked at me. I thought he fancied me. In sheer confusion I ordered the same thing as her. She had lentil soup; which I hated to the millionth degree. She thought I was an indecisive wimp who could not make up his mind on the simplest thing like what to eat.

On the way out I asked the waiter why he kept shaking his head at me. He said he had dated this woman in the past and that she was a weirdo who cheated on him whilst he was dating another girl.

To make sure, I asked her later as I took her home on my tandem bicycle whether she had cheated on the waiter. She slapped my face and I never saw her again. 

I'll never understand women. It was a straight question. It's not as if I asked her what is her favourite colour or what animal she'd like to be. Women are too complex I think.

On my next date I tried to play it safe and take the advice of those people on TV. I asked the young lady over a meal what was her favourite colour. She said, "what's it to do with you you **** idiot?" 

That was direct and rather brutal, I thought. It never happens like that on TV shows. I was astounded as she got up and left never to be seen again.

The waiter asked me what happened. When I told him he explained that asking someone for their favourite colour is an innuendo for something more personal and very sexual in nature. Apparently you only ask that when you are in a more serious relationship with a person. Different colours have different meanings if you see what I mean. He gave me a list ... don't EVER say pink!

How was I to know all this? It was never explained in the book, "How to date beautiful women and be successful at it!" 

I mean ... I thought I was just making conversation. No doubt if I'd asked her what animal she'd want to be; that too would have some hidden meaning too. I wonder what animals are innuendos for something else I don't know about.

What sort of questions were you asked on a date? Or what did you ask the person you were with?