Do Not Maths With Me

Mathematics all started when God said to His people to go forth and multiply. Of course, He meant go and learn the multiplication tables, but the Catholics took Him too literally and had plenty of children.

Oh ... Oh ... I foresee a reprimand from my priest. He reads this Blog, you know; and often tells me off at Confession.

Anyway ... God told all creation to go forth and multiply. A year later He came back to check, and sure enough, every one had had a good time and there were plenty of baby everything everywhere. Baby people, baby animals, baby fish, baby birds and so on. And God was pleased.

However, He noticed that there were only two snakes. So He asked them: "Did you not have a good time? Why did you not multiply as I said?"

They replied: "We are adders. We need logs to multiply!"

Get it ... ??? No???

It's a mathematical joke. Logs means logarithms. And you need logarithms to multiply ... Forget it. It comes to something when I have to explain my own jokes. It made me laugh anyway.

Mathematics is all about numbers and the relationships of numbers to one another. For example, do you know that there are more stars and planets in the universe than all the grains of sands in all the beaches and deserts in the world?

Without telling you the number of stars the mere image I have depicted has conjured in your mind how many stars exist.

There are indeed many grains of sands in the desert. I should know.

I was once a member of a research team in the desert and my task was to count the number of grains of sands. I counted up to 23 and got tired. So I can categorically claim that there are more than 23 grains of sand in the world and more stars than that in the universe. Just look up to the sky at night to prove it.

The Ancient Greeks were great mathematicians. Pythagoras for instance used mathematics to work out the measurements of shapes, especially triangles. He found out that the square on a hippopotamus is bigger than two other squares in the bush. He also had great respect for flava beans as he thought they were the source of life itself. One day he was chased by his enemies and he came across a field of beans. He stopped and refused to go through it and was killed by his enemies.

Archimedes was another mathematician of sorts. He was having a bath one day and the water in his bath overflowed. He ran in the street naked shouting “Eureka” and was arrested for indecent exposure.

One day I was travelling on a train with my college professor of mathematics. The train was going fast and we passed a field full of sheep. He remarked “Look over there, 134 sheep!”

I was impressed and asked him how he counted them so quick with the train travelling so fast. He replied “Easy … I counted their legs and divided by four!”

A bit later we passed another field full of sheep and I tried the same trick. I counted the legs and divided by four; but I had a remainder of three. Which means there was either one sheep with three legs, or three sheep with one leg each!

The Ancient Romans, unlike the Greeks, used letters instead of numbers. The letter I meant one, II meant two, III meant three … they then got tired and tried something different. IV was four, V was five, X was ten … and they also had L, C and M as numbers.

All this suddenly stopped when the Emperor Claudius received a text saying – I LV CLAVDIVS – and he didn’t know whether it was an amorous message from his girl-friend or his wife’s new telephone number.

Sir Isaac Newton, born in 1642, (18 minutes before 5 o'clock), was an English mathematician, astronomer, theologian, author, physicist and all round know-it-all; and a pain in the neck working his way South. He was a very bad cook as his dog will testify. He is famous for having an apple drop on his head and having invented the Injury Compensation Scheme which since then has cost millions in compensation claims throughout the world.

Einstein too was a great mathematician who devised Einstein’s Theory of Relativity without the use of a calculator. According to him, the richer you are the more relatives will attend your funeral.

Also, according to Einstein, if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it then it will remain upright.

He was once asked, is it true that sound does not travel in a vacuum, and if a man shouts in a vacuum then his screams will not be heard?

He replied “It depends whether the vacuum is switched on at the time and how much dust is in the dust bag.”

Which all reminds me of the skunk running through the forest as the wind suddenly turns direction. He stops and says “AAHH … it all comes back to me now!”