Small Talk

 

Someone contacted me about my article published HERE on Small Talk.

This person has to attend many gatherings, parties and such like as part of the job. They don't like small talk when people approach them and talk about nothing ... this and that ... just to pass the time. They asked for some advice or tips on how to handle such situations.

First of all, if you're at a party minding your own business and someone approaches you with meaningless conversation you must own the situation straight-away. Be masterful, confident and direct. You do not have to be an expert on the subject but you can appear to be by learning a few catch phrases or words. Here are a couple of examples:

Someone makes a bee line towards you and to be pleasant says, "We had a few nice days recently, warm weather." This is a typical opening line in the UK when we want to say nothing in particular. 

You should immediately take over the subject and show him you know more than him. Just say, "Oh yes ... this is due to the warm front which arrived from the South carrying with it the rising temperatures from Africa, (South America, Australia, Asia or whatever), and it met the baromatic pressures from the North which quickly dissipated and vaporised".

Now this is all nonsense of course. But if you say it with confidence, looking the other person straight in the eye, holding on to your cigar, or pipe, (a pipe is better because it makes you look intellectual), then it will intimidate the other person. If you're a lady who does not smoke a pipe, then just pick up your cell-phone and pretend to punch a few facts whilst talking. That will show you know more than him.

If by some misfortune the other person is a weather expert, or presents the weather forecast on TV, cut the conversation short by saying, "Oh ... it's Helen over there. Must circulate. Nice to have met you!" And make a hasty retreat.

You see ... you won the small talk encounter and went on to fight another day.

Like for instance when someone approaches you with something topical in the news; like the cost of living. Just say, "The rise in inflation is due to the upwards pressure on the currency against a scenario whereby the market is saturated with an excess of demand and a shortage of supply in essential commodities. Oh ... is that apple pie? My favourite. You will excuse me before it is all finished!"

Again ... a load of nonsense spoken with confidence and a quick retreat towards the apple pie, or whatever is your favourite snack. Just learn a few buzz words and use them.

Cars - "I definitely like front wheel drive because it gives me more control on tight cornering and sudden breaking. Good fuel consumption too."

Gardening - "I so prefer ethical and planet-friendly fertilisers than chemical ones which could so easily harm the environment and the wildlife." It's a load of BS of course, but goes down well with almost everyone. I say "almost". Once I was talking to a farmer about strawberries and I said I spread horse manure on mine. He said he prefers fresh cream or ice cream on his strawberries.

Heavy traffic - "Yes, I understand this is due to road works on the junction between Fourth Avenue and Acacia Boulevard which has caused a long tailback not helped by an accident between a taxi and a cyclist in Nonsense Gardens." 

Science - "According to Einstein light travels faster at night because it 's dark and there's less light so the travelling light does not get caught in heavy traffic."

Just be confident. Learn some buzz words. Speak quickly and with authority.

Pretty soon everyone will avoid you as a buzzy body know-it-all and you will be free for ever from those boring small talk situations.

Small Talk

You know what it's like. You get invited to a party, especially at this time of year with Christmas and the New Year celebrations, and you meet a lot of people ... some you know already ... and some you've never met before ... and you wish you'd never met them anyway.

And you all stand there with something to eat in your plate ... and a glass of wine in the other hand ... and you don't know whether to eat or drink because you do not have a third hand with which to do either ... and you pretend to be interested in the other person as you make small talk with people who approach you and encroach your private space and ... I hate it ... I hate it ... I hate it.

I just do not like small talk. Whether it is to break the ice when I meet someone for the first time, or just to be pleasant and pretend to have something to say when in fact I have nothing to say at all.

Or when you approach me and what you have to say may be of interest to you but only succeeds in sending me to sleep which would be unfortunate since I am now holding a plate of food in one hand and a drink in the other which I would like to enjoy; and if I fell asleep suddenly I would drop both to the floor and attract even more unwanted attention than the one I am having with you right now.

The other day at a party I was happily minding my own business and being totally unsociable as is my nature when I was approached by a man I had not met for some time and to be honest I could not remember his name, nor where I first met him, nor the circumstances through which we knew each other.

Immediately my brain started working fast to remember his name or where I knew him from. Was he a business connection, I wonder? An old client perhaps? Or did I know him from church? Did I meet him at the golf club maybe, or does he work at the library perhaps? Where did I ever get to know him and what is his name?

He, however, seemed to know me very well and started with "Hello ... long time no see ..."

(Doesn't it annoy you when the other person knows you so well and you do not have the faintest idea who he is?)

Anyway, he smiled and said, "Hello ... long time no see ..."

"Lucky me!" I thought, "just go away!"

Fortunately, he could not hear my unwelcoming thoughts, so he went on: "How are you keeping these days?" he continued and then proceeded in discussing various members of my family, "how is ... these days? and is ... still at school? ... and how is your mom-in-law doing? ... and do you still work in London?"

"Who is this tediously boring man?" I thought, who seems to know so much about me, and I can't mention or remember anything about him or his family, if he has got one. Where have I ever had the misfortune of meeting him before?

Then came the small talk.

"Where do you work in London? Regent Park? ... oh yes ... I have a friend there called Marjorie Smith ... do you know her? Or is it Regent Street? Can't remember. Either of the two! She has three children; a boy and two girls. Although I'd imagine they're grown up now. She used to work near London Zoo. Do you know it? Of course you do ... everyone knows London Zoo. I went there last when they had the baby gorilla ... do you remember the baby gorilla?"

I hate small inane talk that leads to nowhere. And this man was expert at it.

Let's analyse the nonsense he just said:

For a start, London is very large and happens to have more people living there than the whole of Scotland;

Smith happens to be one of the most common names in the UK;

and Regent Street and Regent Park are two completely different places;

how am I supposed to know this Marjorie Smith when I don't even know who you are?

And I do wish I was in the company of a baby gorilla right now. He would certainly be more entertaining than you prattling on.

And I can't be bothered listening to this man and his boring small-talk conversation any longer, and isn't life better when you are miserable and totally without prejudice since you dislike everyone equally?

Sometimes though, small talk can be pleasant ... I suppose ...

At another party I was approached by a wonderfully beautiful woman I know well. She was wearing the most tight fitting dress a hundred sizes too small. The pretty black number was as short as I can still remember, and it had a décolleté so low she might as well not have been wearing one!!!

For some reason, she immediately caught my attention, and kept it caught for as long as she stood there beside me. She was the kind of woman whom every man would want to be talking to; and yet, there she was talking just to me.

She was holding a plate of chocolate cake which she teasingly played with with her fork and every so often she placed the tiniest morsel on her lips whilst making small-talk which certainly concentrated my attention at the time; although I can't now remember one word she said. My mind and eyes were elsewhere as I recall.

Anyway, as she was placing a piece of cake on her lips, she accidentally dropped a crumb on her breast and did not notice it. As she continued talking that tiny crumb seemed to come to life and slowly made its way one little step at a time down her breast.

 

Now what is the party etiquette in such circumstances of small-talk? Does one point at her breast and say there's a piece of cake there? Or does one pick it up with one's fingers? Or with a spoon perhaps, to avoid touching her? Or does one ignore it altogether and watch it make its way down and hide inside her dress?

I tried to make small talk and look her in the eye, but somehow this proved too difficult as my gaze kept going South. She eventually noticed my distraction and looking down her breast she picked up the tiny crumb before it disappeared out of sight. She laughed heartily and asked me what I would have done if it had gone down her dress. "I would have warmed the spoon first," was my quick reply.

So as you can gather, I hate small-talk and mingling at parties. I think when we meet someone we should go immediately to straight talking like, "What do you think of this country's Gross Domestic Product compared to that of other European countries?" or "What would you do if reincarnation actually exists and you came back as yourself? Or a mosquito perhaps?" or "Do you ever re-cycle old jokes to entertain people or do you re-cycle yourself and send everyone to sleep?"

Those kind of straight questions, totally devoid of small-talk, would soon get any party going.

Personally, when I meet a woman at a party I often say, "That's a lovely pair of shoes you are wearing!" Especially if I am lying flat on the floor drunk at the time.

What sort of small talk do you use at parties?

Small Talk

You know what it's like. You get invited to a party, especially at this time of year with Christmas and the New Year celebrations, and you meet a lot of people, some you know already, and some you've never met before, and you wish you'd never met them anyway, and you all stand there with something to eat in your plate, and a glass of wine in the other hand, and you don't know whether to eat or drink because you do not have a third hand with which to do either, and you pretend to be interested in the other person as you make small talk with people who approach you and encroach your private space and ... I hate it.

I just do not like small talk. Whether it is to break the ice when I meet someone for the first time, or just to be pleasant and pretend to have something to say when in fact I have nothing to say at all, or when you approach me and what you have to say may be of interest to you but only succeeds in sending me to sleep which would be unfortunate since I am now holding a plate of food in one hand and a drink in the other which I would like to enjoy and if I fell asleep suddenly I would drop both to the floor and attract even more unwanted attention than the one I am having with you right now.

The other day at a party I was happily minding my own business and being totally unsociable as is my nature when I was approached by a man I had not met for some time and to be honest I could not remember his name, nor where I first met him, nor the circumstances through which we knew each other. Immediately my brain started working fast to remember his name or where I knew him from. Was he a business connection, I wonder? An old client perhaps? Or did I know him from church? Did I meet him at the golf club maybe, or does he work at the library perhaps? Where did I ever get to know him and what is his name?

He, however, seemed to know me well and started with "Hello ... long time no see ..."

"Lucky me!" I thought, "just go away!"

Fortunately, he could not hear my unwelcoming thoughts, so he went on: "How are you keeping these days?" he continued and then proceeded in discussing various members of my family, "how is ... these days? and is ... still at school? ... and how is your mom-in-law doing? ... and do you still work in London?"

"Who is this tediously boring man?" I thought, who seems to know so much about me, and I can't mention or remember anything about him or his family, if he has got one. Where have I ever had the misfortune of meeting him before?

Then came the small talk.

"Where do you work in London? Regent Park? ... oh yes ... I have a friend there called Marjorie Smith ... do you know her? Or is it Regent Street? Can't remember. Either of the two! She has three children; a boy and two girls. Although I'd imagine they're grown up now. She used to work near London Zoo. Do you know it? Of course you do ... everyone knows London Zoo. I went there last when they had the baby gorilla ... do you remember the baby gorilla?"

Now London happens to have more people living there than the whole of Scotland; and Smith happens to be one of the most common names in the UK; and Regent Street and Regent Park are two completely different places, how am I supposed to know this Marjorie Smith when I don't even know who you are? And I do wish I was in the company of a baby gorilla right now. He would certainly be more entertaining than you prattling on. And I can't be bothered listening to this man and his boring small-talk conversation any longer, and isn't life better when you are miserable and totally without prejudice since you dislike everyone equally?

At another party I was approached by a wonderfully beautiful woman I know well, wearing the most tight fitting dress a hundred sizes too small. The pretty black dress was as short as I can still remember, and it had a décolleté so low she might as well not have been wearing one!!! For some reason, she immediately caught my attention, and kept it caught for as long as she stood there beside me. She was the kind of woman whom every man would want to be talking to; and yet, there she was talking just to me.

She was holding a plate of chocolate cake which she teasingly played with with her fork and every so often she placed the tiniest morsel on her lips whilst making small-talk which certainly concentrated my attention at the time; although I can't now remember one word she said. My mind and eyes were elsewhere as I recall.

Anyway, as she was placing a piece of cake on her lips, she accidentally dropped a crumb on her breast and did not notice it. As she continued talking that tiny crumb seemed to come to life and slowly made its way one little step at a time down her breast.

 

Now what is the party etiquette in such circumstances of small-talk? Does one point at her breast and say there's a piece of cake there? Or does one pick it up with one's fingers? Or with a spoon perhaps, to avoid touching her? Or does one ignore it altogether and watch it make its way down and hide inside her dress?

I tried to make small talk and look her in the eye, but somehow this proved too difficult as my gaze kept going South. She eventually noticed my distraction and looking down her breast she picked up the tiny crumb before it disappeared out of sight. She laughed heartily and asked me what I would have done if it had gone down her dress. "I would have warmed the spoon first," was my quick reply.

So as you can gather, I hate small-talk and mingling at parties. I think when we meet someone we should go immediately to straight talking like "What do you think of this country's Gross Domestic Product compared to that of other European countries?" or "What would you do if reincarnation actually exists and you came back as yourself? Or a mosquito perhaps?" or "Do you ever re-cycle old jokes to entertain people or do you re-cycle yourself and send everyone to sleep?"

Those kind of straight questions, totally devoid of small-talk, would soon get any party going.

Personally, when I meet a woman at a party I often say, "That's a lovely pair of shoes you are wearing!" Especially if I am lying flat on the floor drunk at the time.

What sort of small talk do you use at parties?