Special Offer to all our readers

I have been appointed as Sales and Marketing Manager of a new venture business here in the UK, and have been authorised to offer a reduction of as much as 99% off the cost of our holidays to the first 100 readers who apply.

This new company, Safari Holiday Adventure Tours, will give you the experience of your life in Northern England and Scotland.

Your holiday break will start with our guides welcoming you in our fully equipped Jeep to take you on your adventure of a lifetime, (subject to availability - terms and conditions apply). If a Jeep or similar vehicle is not available you will be transported by cart pulled by a donkey.

You will be taken to the wilds of England or Scotland, (subject to Local Authority permissions), where you will come face to face with the wildlife that Britain has to offer. See and enjoy mosquitoes in their natural habitat, (or midges if in Scotland - a small flying insect). Sit in the open amongst ants, centipedes, woodlice, silverfish and earwigs. Enjoy a picnic with wasps, yellow jackets, and flies of all type and size. Get close to nature by sleeping under the stars, (in fully reconditioned tents), and experience the bite of vampire bats or hear the cry of owls with Irritable Owl Syndrome warning you of impending doom. (Disclaimer - if vampire bats are not available our little dog Flossy will at times give clients a little bite in the backside - not guaranteed).

If in Scotland enjoy the exhilarating thrill of the chase as you go out hunting for haggis accompanied by the sound of bagpipes and drums, (subject to availability if we have a portable CD player at the time. Music liable to change depending on whether Ivor Carbuncle brings the right CD - alternatives include Frank Sinatra or similar artists singing the latest popular culture entertainment. Ivor is also available for romantic cheek-to-cheek dancing at no extra cost. He has been described as Britain's sex symbol for women who do not care).

Get at one with nature by catching a cold or possibly pneumonia if it is raining and freezing at the time, (subject to local weather conditions. If it is not raining our tour guides would be willing to pour buckets of water on you at little extra cost).

Enjoy open air meals at night around the camp fire singing communal songs of your choice, (song sheets available at no extra cost). Have stale cheese from a tube and cucumber sandwiches with the crust left on served by a genuine upper-class butler who will insult you in a condescending and rude tone of voice and an accent of your choice, (All British dialects catered for. Foreign accents not available. French accent optional in June to August when Madame Leggert is visiting us from Marseilles. She will dress up as a butler and wear a beard to hide her true sex - albeit not necessary! She looks like a medieval gargoyle with teeth like the Ten Commandments - all broken).

This will be the holiday of a lifetime which you will never forget. Especially when you see the scars left by various insects bites will will serve as a souvenir for life of your enjoyable stay with us.

Safari Holiday Adventure Tours is guaranteed to make your visit to Britain most memorable.

Limited Offer - first 100 applicants will receive a reduction of up to 99% of our usual costs. No further charges or gratuities, (tips), required.

Book now and dream of the holiday of a lifetime.