Small and Tiny

 

Commenting on Martha's Blog the other day I said that in the UK distances are much shorter because we are a small country. 

Let me explain. To me a distance of 50 miles can be a long journey. Why, I even find going down the road to the small shop a long journey. Everything in this small village where I live is small. It's not like in London or Edinburgh or other cities. Over here in my corner of the world everything is small and everything, by comparison, is far away. I look out of my small window out to the fields across the road and I see small cows grazing. Either that, or they're too far away. Or perhaps these cows are the ornaments my wife bought from the small ornaments shop. As I said, the shop is small because everything here is small and close to each other. 

Cars are small in our village too. This is because the other villages are so close to us that if you had a big car the front would be in one village and the back in another. No need to drive. Just get in the car at the front and get out of the back seat and you've arrived.

Our houses here are so small that there is no room to swing a cat. We have to do it outdoors. Our church is so small that the church mice are hunchbacked. 

If some ladies in our village were to have breasts enlargement or, as in some modern fashionable cases, a derrière enlargement surgery, then they would have to build an extension to their house in order to fit in. I know a large woman who visited us last week and her large breasts arrived in our home half an hour before her.

In our village if you are a large person in a tiny house then you need to have two people sitting on the same chair because of lack of space.

I went to a local concert the other day. The theatre was so small we were all crammed on top of each other. If the woman in front of me did not have pierced ears I would not have been able to see the orchestra. The conductor was told to stop waving his stick or else he'd take the musicians' eye out.

There was no space in that theatre to fit in a whole concert. The music was mostly unfinished symphonies because all the notes from the musical instruments were bumping into each other like on a pinball machine.

Our house is so small that when I went to the kitchen to get the meal from the oven the neighbour had his hand through the wall and was helping himself to a KFC leg. 

I found two mole hills in our garden. We now call them a mountain range. It rained all day. I stepped in a puddle and nearly drowned. 

Even everything we do over here must be small. I sneezed yesterday and blew the windows out. 

All I can say is ... small is beautiful. My wife is not convinced.