Growing Old - Disgracefully

Let's start this subject with some Groucho Marx quotations:

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age."

As we get older we all tend to lose control. Some lose control of their hair. Some lose their teeth. Whilst almost all lose control. Period.

As you get older other people tell you what to do, or should do. The doctor calls you in for a regular check up and gives you advice on what you should eat or not eat and what medicines you should take. And as a good old person you have to comply.

Why should you? If you're not going to have that tasty treat you enjoy so much, or that favourite drink you enjoy, then when will you? Once you're gone it'll be too late to miss that favourite food you like.

Another way of losing control is when your relatives start giving you advice you do not ask for nor have any inclination to follow. Like how to look after yourself. How to dress and how to behave in public. How to do this and that.

Now I know that at this stage you are all probably guessing how old I am. Indeed some of you have written in asking this directly. What an impertinence. I have responded politely in Latin, or was it Aramaic?

To give you a clue let me tell you that I remember when Adam was a young lad looking for his lost rib.

I mean ... what a story that was! God had just created the whole universe and what is in it in six days and then He needed a rib to create a woman. Tells you how complicated women are. And what was He really thinking? He saw Adam happily going around naked in Paradise so He created a woman to change things for ever.

Anyway, back to what I was talking about. One thing about getting old is that your mind tends to wander and you're too tired to catch up with it. This is especially frustrating when you are writing a story or a book. Your mind has finished the novel before you have written your first word. Particularly difficult when you use the old style quill to write with, as I do. I sharpen a goose's feather and then use it to hit the keys on my keyboard.

Now, what was I saying? Oh yes ... Being told what to do. Like how to dress. Why shouldn't old people dress as they want? It's their own fashion I suppose.

A friend of mine always wears an old pullover with large holes in it. He says he likes it and over the years he has grown fond of it. He also wears dark green corduroy trousers which he keeps pulled up to his nipples using red braces as well as a belt to be extra secure. He has teeth like the Ten Commandments - all broken; and wears a flat cap pulled right down on his head. I guess in his way he is a sex symbol for women who do not care!

But then in his defence, why should old people not wear what they want?

What is really wrong if an old man wears two differently coloured socks? And you women, if you don't wear socks, why not wear different earrings just to be individually fashionable? Why do you have to conform? Why not wear a bra on your head like they did in Olde Englande years ago?

I once went out shopping wearing my underpants on my head. Mind you, I had difficulty that day putting my legs through my hat.

You see, as you get older you get a little forgetful and easily confused. Like squeezing the canary on your food instead of a lemon.

I went to visit an old lady the other day. Much older than me, she was. As we sat there reminiscing about the previous day I noticed, embarrassingly, that she had a suppository sticking out of her ear. I told her about it. She replied: "Oh goodness me ... I wonder where I put my hearing aid?"

So to remedy any shortcomings, as you get older why not become more adventurous? You know you want to. You've been waiting all your life to do something new and exciting and getting away with it.

If like me, you're a Catholic, go to Confession and ask the priest, "Have you heard any good gossip lately?"

Put a stick of celery through someone's window and shout, "The Triffids have landed. The Triffids have landed!"

Or put a carrot on your shoulder and tell people you are a vegetarian pirate.

Or poor cream on your shoulder and tell them your parrot had diarrhoea.

How about you stick a cigarette in your ear and say you hear that smoking is bad for you.

Put some cake, custard and jelly in someone's handbag and say, "Don't trifle with a woman's affections!" (For those young ones who don't know what a trifle is look it up on Google. For those old ones who don't know what Google is ask a young one to tell you).

When you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom; and you don't know what time it is. Just open a window and beat a drum, or blow on a trumpet or bagpipes. Someone is sure to shout: "Who's making all that **** racket at three in the morning?"  (I bet you'll remember this next time you wake up in the middle of the night).

An old friend of mine took his grand-mother to the Antiques Roadshow last year and tried to sell her. She was so old that her Birth Certificate was written in Latin.

And that's another thing ... behaving disgracefully. You can get away with it when you're old you know. Like when I am on the bus and have eaten an orange or banana or a chocolate bar. I don't know where to put the peelings/skin/wrapper; so I casually drop it in the woman's bag sitting next to me. I've never been caught out. But if I do, I'll just tell her I thought it was my own bag.

One more thing ... go to a restaurant and whilst you're eating cough violently to attract attention and then put a pair of those joke chattering teeth on the table.

Or hide some coleslaw or mayonnaise salad in a paper bag. Cough violently in the bag and then proceed to eat the coleslaw. Always a winner this one. I have been thrown out of numerous restaurants without paying as a result.

Or send the dog's urine instead of yours to the hospital for testing. That should confuse the doctors!

I often send a friend of mine to give a blood sample instead of me at the hospital. They never check. They just take the card and take a sample of your blood for testing and then advise your doctor of the results. The last time this happened my doctor told me I was pregnant.

So there you have it. As you grow older take back control. Don't let society pigeon hole you into their categories just to satisfy their statistics and calculations.

Wear your underpants on your heads as a sign of protest. That should certainly get you noticed.