There Was A Giraffe In My Room

It was meant to be a romantic weekend somewhere nice and ... romantic.

For once, I thought cost should be no object. No more will we spend the night under the stars in our local park, or in a breezy tent somewhere on the moors with the wind blowing through the broken zip ... of the tent! This time, cost will not deter me from a really romantic weekend.

I traded in the tandem bicycle meant for two and hired a pick-up truck from the local farmer who did not need it for the weekend to transport manure to the local garden centre.

I drove to her house on Friday night, put her luggage next to mine at the back of the truck, and we drove off to our romantic get-away.

When we arrived at the very posh hotel which I had booked beforehand the car valet parking fellow would not let us park the truck next to the Rolls Royces, Ferraris and Lamborghinis. He asked me for the keys to the truck and promised that he will park it somewhere special at the back of the hotel next to the refuse collection yard. He said the car would be very safe there. How kind of him. I was impressed by his politeness and good service and gave him five pence for his trouble.

We had a lovely dinner at the hotel's restaurant. I was very impressed once again; although I was also a little concerned that they probably had not paid their electricity bill, because all the tables were lit by candles.

Anyway, meal over, we walked a while in the hotel gardens lit by moonlight and then decided to retire to our room. I had booked the best room in the hotel, one facing the rear tradesmen car park so that we are not disturbed by guests coming in late at night in their fancy cars.

When we got to our room, luggage in hand, I opened the door to be greeted by a huge giraffe in our room. It was almost full size. Standing between the door and the actual bed. Admittedly, it was a small room, but it was made even smaller by the presence of this giraffe in our way.

We squeezed past it, and its weight shut the door loudly as soon as we were in.

Oh ... I should have said ... it was not a real giraffe. I mean ... you would hardly expect a real giraffe in a posh hotel room like the one I had booked. No ... this was an almost full size giraffe made of inflatable plastic material. In fact, it was an inflatable giraffe. That's the accurate way to describe it. With its neck so long that it was bent at right angle when it reached the ceiling meaning that the giraffe's head was now almost in bed ... with us. Well, it would be in bed with us if we were in bed at the time, which we were not, I hasten to add. Not yet ... anyway.

Well ... I was flabbergasted. I could hardly have a romantic weekend in bed with my paramour with a giraffe inches away looking at me!

Albeit it was made of plastic; a giraffe it still was. Not that any other creature would have been acceptable, of course.

When I hire a room for the weekend, especially at these prices, I do not expect to share it with a menagerie of animals be they real or made of any other material.

I picked up the phone to complain. It did not work ... because it was not connected to anywhere or anything. In fact, it was a toy telephone. Made of plastic, before you ask!!!

I pressed a button on the wall next to the bed. It was next to an intercom type grill of some sort in the wall. Presumably that's the way they communicate with the Reception Desk in these posh hotels. I pressed the button and squeezed past the giraffe's head to get close to the intercom grill.

It started blaring, "Stand by your man ... Give him two arms to cling to ... And something warm to come to ... When nights are cold and lonely ...Stand by your man …" Well, with such a tight squeeze in this room that's all we'd be doing!

There was no way of either shutting it down or lowering the volume. I hit the button on the wall a thousand times to not effect.

I picked up the pillow and put it against the grill on the wall but there was no way I could stop whoever it was insisting "Stand by your man ..." even though my companion was crying her heart out in full sight of a plastic giraffe.

Now there's a long sentence I never thought I would utter. Not in a posh hotel room anyway.

Moments later the woman stopped singing and was followed by a man shouting, "You're just too good to be true ... I can't take my eyes off you ... You'd be like heaven to touch ... I wanna hold you so much ..."

Of course, this made my friend cry all the more. Either the lyrics were too much for her, or ... I don't know ... I can never understand women ... why do they always cry in a crisis? It's not as if I had ordered a full size giraffe to share the bed with us! Why is it always my fault when things go wrong? 

She squeezed past the giraffe, past me holding on to the pillow against the wall, and went to the bathroom only to cry the louder ...

"What now?" I thought, letting go of the pillow and squeezing into the bathroom.

There in the bathroom was a full size clown, (also inflatable plastic), a gorilla, (realistic fur), the bath was full of other animals like a hippo, a horse, and a cat, amongst others, whilst on the toilet seat was a pink baby elephant.

Believe me ... there just was no way anyone could use the toilet with all these toys or inflatables in the way.

I squeezed past the giraffe once again, and went downstairs to the Reception Desk to the blaring sound of, "Everything is beautiful in it's own way ... Like a starry summer night ... On a snow covered winter's day ... And everybody's beautiful in their own way ... Under God's Heaven ... The world's gonna find the way ..."

Well ... I hoped the world would find a way of sorting out this romantic weekend otherwise I would throttle that man behind the Reception Desk. After all, I had paid good money for that room. £25 for a weekend is no mean sum, you know.

The man at the Reception desk was very polite and amenable. He explained that the hotel was fully booked and at the price I was willing to pay they had put me in a spare storage room instead.

To resolve the situation he offered that the evening meal we just had was free as well as breakfast for the following morning and on Sunday.

He suggested I say to the young lady that, being a romantic weekend, the hotel had deliberately put the toys in our room as a special treat to amuse us during our stay.

Well ... believe it or not ... she bought the story.

The Reception man even showed me how to shut the music off, or lower it a little.

What a nice weekend that was !!! !!! !!!