Medical Matters

Why is it when you visit an optician he always checks whether you can read before he examines you? Every time I go for a check up the optician asks me if I can read the alphabets from a chart on the wall. What has knowledge of the alphabets got to do with an eye examination? And why do the letters get smaller as you read? Are they trying to save ink?

The last time I went, the optician had a small TV monitor on the wall with the alphabets on. He was called out by the nurse to answer a phone call. So I memorized all the alphabets on the screen to show him that I could read as well as anyone else.

When he came back he clicked on his computer and put on new letters on the screen. That is cheating I think.

A friend of mine went to the same optician and complained that he could see blurred pink elephants everywhere. They were big and pink, but all blurred.

The optician asked him to read the alphabets and then gave him some spectacles asking: “Is this better?”

My friend replied: “Yes … I can see the pink elephants much clearer now!”

Going to the doctor is not much better.

For a start they all have very ancient magazines and newspapers in their waiting rooms. I’m told it is to help you remember the good old days. Although I was saddened to read that a ship called Titanic sank the other day!

Whilst at the doctor’s waiting room there was a very old man all bent down with back pain and holding on to his walking stick. He struggled in to the doctor’s and a few minutes later he came out standing all tall straight and proud. Everyone thought it was a miracle.

He said “No miracle … the doctor gave me a taller walking stick!”

When I went in to the doctor’s I told him I get a pain when I raise my arm up, like when putting something on a shelf. He said: “Don’t raise your arm up!”

I also told him I get a sharp pain in my eye when I drink tea. He said: “Take the spoon out of the cup first!”

I explained that sometimes I envy my dog. All he does is eat, sleep and go for walks. He never bothers about paying bills or bad news on TV. The other day I was out in the garden cleaning his business and my dog looked at me as if to say: “That’s great … I get to poop where I want. And you get to pick it up! Who’s the boss now?”

The doctor asked me: “How long have you envied your dog?”

I said: “Ever since I was a puppy!”

He asked me to lie down on the couch. I replied: “I’m not allowed on the couch!”

He then threw his stethoscope at the corner of the room and I told him to fetch it himself.

He opened his drawer and brought out a packet of pills and said, "Take one of these with a drink once a day!" The pills were huge, the size of a golf ball. I pointed this out and asked "What are the pills for?"

"I don't know," he replied, "they are horse suppositories given to me by a vet friend of mine and I'm trying them out on my patients.

"And I'll tell you something else," he continued, "a few days ago I gave these same pills to another patient. I told him to put one in his back passage every day and to come and see me after a week.

"Apparently, he put a pill by the back door passage of his house every night before going to bed. When he returned I asked him if he felt any better and he replied: 'No way ... these pills are useless. I may as well have put them up my backside for all the good they did!' "

After the doctor’s I went to the dentist to make an appointment which I can miss later. You hear all sort of horror stories about dentists don’t you?

I nearly got killed by a dentist some years ago. I was driving down a country lane and he came at me at speed on the wrong side of the road. Now I avoid all dentists at all costs.

At the chiropractor I was asked whether I get back pains early in the morning all down my spine accompanied by pains in the knees and elbows. I replied: “No … why do you ask?”

The practitioner replied: “I’ve been getting them all week and I wondered if you knew what it was!”

He then asked me to lie on the couch. I asked him why? He replied "Because I want to vacuum clean just where you're standing!"

I told him I’d only come to fix the carpet which was a bit loose in his room. He said: “Whilst you’re down there can you pick up my pen, because I can’t bend down with back pain!”

A friend of mine went to hospital so they could check her hearing. When I picked her up she had half a lemon stuck in each ear. I asked her if this was a new type of hearing aid. She said: “No … lemonade!”