Ancient History and Statues

I was reading a book on ancient history the other day. It's amazing what one can learn from the past. The Romans, Greeks, Egyptians and other people from times gone by like the Aztecs, the Assyrians and so on.

Have you wondered for instance why there are so many statues and busts of people from ancient times? They have been found over the years in various archaeological digs and expeditions and are now kept in museums. But why so many statues were made, do you think?

I've discovered that, in Roman times there were a number of check-points by the Roman guards along the Appian Way. That’s the strategic main road connecting Rome to Brindisi and Apulia. The road was named after the Roman censor Appius Claudius Caecus.

He it was who held the very first large scale census in Rome to discover how people lived; their habits, likes and dislikes and so on. He discovered that most Romans did not like broccoli and was frightened out of his census.

Anyway, the guards at the check-points stopped the chariots and asked the driver for their identity. Unfortunately, that was before cameras and photos were invented; so people carried statues of themselves as a form of identity. Some poor people carried just a model of their heads, or busts; and the rich ones had a full body statue of themselves which they carried at all times in case they were stopped and had to prove who they were. The guards would compare the individual's face with the statue to make sure they were the same.

Unfortunately, carrying such heavy stone, or marble, statues all the time meant that many Romans got injured. As you know, Romans, as well as Greeks and Egyptians had many gods in those days. Gods of war, agriculture, hunting, love and so on.

The injured Romans who got hurt carrying heavy statues went to pray at the temple of the goddess Hernia, or the god Haemorrhoid.

Unfortunately, there are no statues of these two deities which have ever been found or survived the ravages of time. I wonder what Haemorrhoid looked like.

One famous statue that survived and is well known is Venus de Milo.

Strictly speaking Venus de Milo is a Greek statue. It is disputed as to whether it was sculpted by Praxiteles or Alexandros of Antioch. As there are no surviving Court manuscripts of legal actions between these two individuals relating to Copyright issues we'll never know the creator of this statue. 

The statue is believed to depict Aphrodite the Greek Goddess of love and beauty who was quite harmless in her time, (armless - keep up with my subtle jokes).

However, some scholars claim it was the sea-goddess Amphridite but who cares?

There once was a goddess called Aphrodite

Who wore a pink see-through nightie

And the closer you looked

It was clear you were hooked

By her curves which were certainly alrighty.

Anyway, throughout history archaeologists and learned people have not been able to work out where and how her arms were positioned when the statue was first made.

Was she pointing at something perhaps? Or holding a sword up above her head, or a three-pronged spear known as a trident? It is after all the weapon of the sea god Neptune. Historians have also wondered how the cloth around her waist manages to stay put and not fall off. After all, Velcro had not been invented in those days.

In order to unravel this mystery I have done some research and can now reveal how her arms were positioned when the statue was first made.

She was saying to one and all ... "TA DAA" and the audience clapped and cheered in delight.

Apparently, when her husband saw the statue he was very upset that his wife would pose in the nude for the sculptor; so he angrily went to see him. In order to defuse the situation the sculptor claimed that Venus had not posed nude for him. He said, "I sculpted her from memory!"

The husband punched him even harder than he first intended.

Other statues that survived history for us to enjoy are Michelangelo's David.

Unfortunately, over the years with our style of living he has put on a little weight.

Also surviving is Rodin's The Kiss

The sculpture was originally titled Francesca da Rimini because it was in fact meant to be the 13th-century Italian noblewoman from Dante's "Inferno" (Circle 2, Canto 5).

Apparently, Francesca fell in love with her husband's younger brother, Paolo and ... as I mentioned before ... because cameras had not yet been invented, the private detective gathering evidence for the husband had to quickly sculpt the statue which was then carried to the Divorce Court as proof that she was having an affair. Thereafter the PI visited the goddess Hernia to pray for healing.

Another famous surviving statue is also by Rodin's and entitled Constipation ...