That's Life ... where I'm at

Well ... Here at home I am keeping as happy as I can be by cheering myself up.

I try to keep fit every day by using the treadmill as part of my daily routine as the doctor suggested. He said it will help me lose weight. As an extra incentive, I have fixed a little tray on the handle bars where I put some scones, cakes, and a milkshake or pint of Guinness.

I have also joined an on-line keep fit class. You link to this website and you see other people in their homes and also the "instructor". He does the exercises and you copy him. He and the other people can all see each other through their cameras. So they can all see me at home in front of my TV.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over. They told me I was very entertaining. I did not know the camera was switched on!!!

I mean ... how was I to know that as I was getting dressed in front of the TV the camera had switched on automatically and everyone could see me.

You should have seen the comments I received by text and e-mails from my "audience". The ladies in particular were the most embarrassing. My wife told me that no doubt someone would have videod my performance and it will be all over social media.

Perhaps I should not have borrowed my wife's leotard and exercised in T shirt and jeans instead. It was very tight in places. Or maybe I should have undressed and dressed elsewhere. I did not want to do it upstairs and wake up my wife.

When she came downstairs and saw me in her leotard she was livid. She said I looked like a flamingo standing in that pose in her pink bodysuit. So I put my foot down.

A little difficult to do in that hugging outfit which left little to the imagination.

She was also upset at my new found desire to keep fit. The previous day I had swapped our bed for a trampoline. She hit the roof.

She started crying for no reason. Then she said she missed her mother. I told her she should aim better. So she cried some more! No sense of humour, I guess.

She insisted we go see her Mom. I said we have her photo on the mantle piece, why not go and see that instead?

You should see that photo. She looks like a monster from the seventh circle of hell staring at you sitting there watching TV. I bet she would turn all the demons into quivering jellies wetting their diapers.

Anyway, I eventually consoled my wife and we went to bed/trampoline.

I had a good night's sleep. Woke up refreshed and eager for more. On some mornings though I wake up grumpy ... on others I let her sleep in and go down for breakfast by myself.

This morning I discovered our new puppy had eaten all the Scrabble tiles and left little messages around the house.

I cleaned up and started breakfast. I like Italian food ... don't you? We used to go to our favourite Italian restaurant in town. We've stopped now because their cook has pasta away!

I hear there's a new restaurant in town called Karma. They have no menus. You get what you deserve!

I put some corn flakes in a bowl and watched the news on TV. They said that a midget fortune-teller had escaped from prison. The headline was, "Small medium at large".

This happened when a prison van, with him and other prisoners on board, had collided with a lorry full of mixed concrete. The police are looking for some hardened criminals.

In another crime related story, it was reported that a hole had been found in the local nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

They then entered the premises and interviewed a number of people airing their differences. The police believed that the members were withholding evidence, but the nudists insisted they had nothing to hide.

After the news, I changed channels. They were reporting on a local story not far from where I used to live.

Apparently, a driver was stopped by a police motorcycle for shooting through a red light. The driver starts swearing aggressively and calling the policeman all sorts of names. The policeman explained the offence and gave the driver a ticket. The driver continued swearing at him. The policeman puts "AH" at the corner of the ticket and gives it to the man.

The driver asks, "What's this AH in the corner of the ticket?"

"Oh ... it's to remind me that you're an a ... hole!" said the policeman.

In Court the driver hires a clever lawyer who asks the policeman, "Is this your writing on this ticket?"

The policeman confirms that it is. So the lawyer tries to trap him by asking, "What does AH mean?"

"It means aggressive and hostile," replies the policeman.

"Are you sure it does not mean a ... hole?" asks the lawyer.

"You probably know your client better than I do," says the policeman calmly.

After half an hour or so I heard the newspaper being delivered. I switched off the TV and had a read for a while. There's always a crime type story in the papers as well as on TV. What is the world coming to? Apparently this man had pick-pocketed a dwarf. How could he stoop so low?

I like to read the Court cases which are often reported in the press. After twenty-five years of marriage a man went to Court seeking a divorce because his wife keeps throwing things at him when angry: plates, cups, saucers, whatever is at hand she throws.

The judge asked him, "What took you so long to decide on divorce?"

He replied, "Her aim is getting better!"

Perhaps she should teach my wife.

I looked out of the window. There was an Automobile Rescue van parked outside our house. You know the ones? Those rescue vans that come out to help you when your car won't go. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "that guy’s heading for a breakdown".

At this point the door bell rang. It was our friend Mavis, she was distraught. I realised that by the fact that she was crying. Now normally I can't handle women crying. I mean ... what are you supposed to do? Say, "there ... there ... I'm sure it will be OK?"

How do I know if it will be OK or not?

Are you supposed to hug crying women to comfort them? What if they misunderstand your hug for something else?

Why do women cry at the most inopportune time ... when I'm around.

I thought of calling my wife down but she was fast asleep.

So I tried to cheer her up by telling her about our problems. People sometimes relate better when they share things.

I told her that the other day my wife asked me to pass her her lipstick; but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. She still isn't talking to me.

Mavis cried some more. I poured her a cup of tea and asked her what's wrong.

Apparently, she had put on her most revealing negligent and asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" 

He looked her up and down and replied, "I like your sense of humour!"   

Now I ask you ... what's wrong with that? We should all have a sense of humour. I hope you like mine!

Which all reminds me of my grand-father's dying words as I sat beside his death bed.

"Remember these two words, son," he said, "they will open many doors for you in life!"

He then took a deep breath and said, "Push and Pull".