Zoo Time

 

Welcome to Zoo Time your favourite TV Program where we visit our friends the animals living freely in large enclosures just as they would enjoy in their native lands. 

I am Noah Flood and I am usually accompanied by my friend and co-presenter Anna Conda. Unfortunately Anna is not with us this week having suffered unspeakable pains when she sat on a termites nest in last week's episode. 

Also, I have to let you know that my assistant Ivor Scratch is also absent this week. Ivor has always wanted to be a lion whisperer. He read many books about it; and I have to report that it is a wish he almost achieved minutes before being rushed to hospital with multiple injuries sustained in pursuit of his ambition.

So let's start by visiting the ostrich enclosure.

The ostrich is the largest flight-less bird with large eyes on either side of its head, as you can see if we get a little closer. 

AAAAAOOOOOWWW!!!

The damn bird has pecked my ear-piece out of my ear ... Have you got it John? No ... what ... the bird swallowed it. Can you speak on your mike please John ... I can hear you from the bird's stomach ... look ... we can't keep filming here. I hear an echo of my own voice whenever I speak on the mike ... I hear myself from the bird's innards!

We have now moved to the rhino's enclosure ...

Did you know that the rhino's horn is not made of bone like you would expect. It is actually made of  keratinous mineralized compartments ... like tightly held together hairs. Rhinos are thick skinned and mainly herbivorous. Their favourite pass-time in the wild is charging at Jeeps and similar cars and head-butting them hard.

And now we visit our friend the bear. There are many kinds of bears ... the brown bear, the polar bear, the grizzly bear, the koala bear and many others ... not forgetting the panda. The panda is the most peculiar of bears. He used to be a carnivore; that is he ate meat. Then over time he became a herbivore eating mainly bamboo which he consumes most of the time. For some reason, it seems this diet has put him off sex to such an extent that he is now an endangered species. Let that be a lesson to any of you vegetarians out there!

We cannot show you the panda on today's program because both creatures are in that dark room over there watching adult-rated films with a view to encouraging them to become more amourous. Fat chance of that ... whenever I watch such films my wife starts vacuum cleaning the house!

What can I tell you about the llama? He is a domesticated South American animal which ... **** ... the stupid ******* animal has spat in my eye! It's disgusting ... hand me a towel John ... damn stupid animal ... if I had my way we'd be having him as a barbecue by now!

Sometimes known as the ship of the desert the camel can go for long periods without water. Did you know that there are in fact three species of camels? The camel with one hump is known as a Dromadery, whereas the one with two humps, like the one we have here, is known as a Bactrian camel. There is, however, a rare camel with three humps. Do you know what it's called?

Humphrey !!!

Aaah ... now we have here one of my favourite creatures. The chicken. Did you know that there are more chickens in the world than there are humans? Yes ... far more that 7 billion chickens in the world. At least two or three chickens for each one of us. There are of course many species of chickens. My favourite one is the Kentucky Fried Chicken which this one here will soon be ... I hope!

Next, I wanted to take you inside the dolphins enclosure. Unfortunately this is not possible today because there was a breakout yesterday when the dolphins managed to escape led by a whale called Willy.

As a cheaper alternative, you can buy tins of sardines from the gift shop on the way out!