Friends

 

I have two friends ... What I mean to say is that I want to mention two friends. Of course I have more than two friends in real life; but at this point in time I want to mention just those two friends. Real friends; not friends like you get on social networks websites.

Come to think of it, it's amazing how the Internet has changed the meaning of certain words. Like friends for instance.

These days you can go on a website and pretty soon you have gathered a multitude of friends. Dozens of peoples, hundreds even, whom you have never met before, nor are likely to meet, nor would you wish to meet if you knew them in real life, are suddenly your friends through a click of a mouse.

Mouse ...that's another word that has a totally new meaning because of the Internet and computers. That little device you hold in your hand and squeeze is no more furry and mouse-like than a real mouse is. Which reminds me. At a party once, after a few drinks, I asked the hostess if lemons had feathers. She said "Of course not!"

"Oh dear ..." I replied, "in that case I've squeezed your canary in my drink!"

Now where was I? Oh yes ... friends. A friend of mine, a real one that is, has more friends on his social network website than real people I've met in my entire life. Hundreds of them, he has.

I mean, how does he know they're all real? They could be anybody, and not who they say they are. They could have made up their names and photos. Some even have pictures of animals as their identity. How do I know whether Margaret Fontainepiece is not really a giraffe? I may well have befriended a giraffe all this time and I didn't even know it.

Followers ... that's another term misused on the Internet. Instead of friends, some people have hundreds of followers. I'd hate to have that many followers in real life, especially since half the time I don't even know where I'm going. Let's face it, would you want hundreds of followers squeezing in with you in the toilet next time you're at the restaurant, supermarket or any other place with a public toilet? Or in your own home even? Why can't followers follow someone else?

Some websites use the word "like" to denote some sort of affirmation of what you have written. I must admit that at first I misread it for the word "licks" and my mind boggled at someone having that many licks by people he or she had never met.

Now then ... where was I before you led me astray with your lack of interruptions. Oh yes, I remember ... I have these particular two friends in real life.

One of them is so short that his passport photo is life size. When he stands up his feet do not reach the ground. The other one is so tall that he has to stand on a chair in the morning to shave himself.

Are you my friend?

Are you short or tall?