Come on ... LAUGH!!!

 

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
“You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

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I saw my Maths teacher with a piece of graph paper yesterday. I think he must be plotting something.

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If you ever feel lonely… Just dim the lights and watch a couple of horror movies. After a while, you won’t feel like you’re alone any more.

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If you get an email with the subject "knock knock", don’t open it.

It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.

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Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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When I was at school, History was my least favourite subject.  It is such a boring subject…… You never learn something new.

Then again, most women find History their favourite subject. They are great at bringing up stuff from the past. I often get to apologise for something that happened years ago and I cannot even remember it.

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A tanker ship carrying dark purple ink ran aground on a deserted island, spilling its contents.

Sadly, the entire crew was marooned.

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Tomorrow I am having a brain transplant. Change my mind

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If women ruled the world there would be no war.

Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

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Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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I accidentally ate my cat's food last night. Don't ask meow

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My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

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Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious