Things you wished you knew and now regret knowing

 

A woman stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"  

"Yes, ma'am?"  

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"  

"What was wrong with it?"   

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"  

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"   

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An 8 year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"    

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." 

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"   

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"   

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."  

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."  

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

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Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching." 

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"   

"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.   

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?

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You know you're getting old when...... you start each morning with snap, crackle, pop, and then you have breakfast.

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One day John asks his friend Arty to borrow a Dollar.

Of course, Arty obliged and lent his friend the money without a second thought. 

A few weeks had passed by and every time Arty asked John if he could have his Dollar back he would reply "no worries mate, I'll have it next time I see you."

This went on for some time until one day Arty passed John at the local Supermarket store and thinks to himself for sure he'll have that Dollar on him now he's at the supermarket.

So, he says "John mate you got that Dollar on you?" 

To which John once again replies that he'd have it the next time.

Fed up with John, Arty leapt forward and grabbed John around the throat with both hands strangling the life out of him. 

Another shopper going about his business tried to intervene but Arty jumped up and strangled him too.

The next day the headlines read: Arty chokes two for a Dollar at the Supermarket!

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They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a school drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!