Laughter Time

 

Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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An old lady goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
The old lady says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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The congregation were waiting in the church car park on Sunday waiting to get in church. Suddenly Satan appears at the church door. Everyone panics. God's greatest enemy is at the church door! They all jump into their cars and rush away at speed. Everyone except a small man standing by his bicycle. Satan approaches him menacingly. "Do you know who I am?" he asks the small man.
"Sure do ..." the man replies.
"Aren't you afraid of me?" screams Satan angrily.
"Nope ... I've been married to your sister for 25 years!”

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It is said that God looked down on Paradise and noted that Adam, His first human creation, was sad and despondent. God asked Adam why he was so unhappy in Paradise and Adam replied that he was lonely and had no one to talk to.
So God promised Adam that He would create woman for him. She will be his friend, his soul mate and companion throughout life. She will love him, cherish him and respect him. She will care for him, prepare him food and drink, and be forever loyal, devoted and always by his side. She will be always cheerful and will never have a headache or other sickness. She will bear his children and look after them and look after their home, never tiring from her many tasks nor from her eternal desire to please her man.
Adam was pleased and asked God how much this would cost.
God smiled and replied that it will cost an arm and a leg. Adam then asked what he would get just for a rib!

And woman was created.

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Two men are in Court facing theft charges. The Judge asks the first: “Where do you live?” “No fixed abode! Your Honour”, he replies. He asks the other man “And you, where do you live?” "In the apartment above him!"

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 
The teacher annoyingly asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

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There are more Catholic Churches in Las Vegas than casinos. Inevitably, some worshippers on Sundays give casino chips when the basket is passed around for collection instead of cash.
The churches deal with this by collecting all the chips from the different casinos and sending them to a nearby monastery for sorting and then taken to the casino of origin to be cashed in. 
This job is done by chip monks.
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A man walks into a shop ... " Can I buy a wasp please?"

The shopkeeper replied: " We don't sell wasps."

" You have one in the shop window !!!"

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My eight-year-old daughter embarrassed me when I took her to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.”

As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my co-workers gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?”