Mom ... mom ... I think I'm pregnant.
Are you sure the baby is yours?
Knock Knock. Who's there?
Grand-dad. Quick ... Stop the funeral!
“Try a better mouthwash”.
A woman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst she was ironing. The doctor asked her how she burnt the second ear. She replied that it happened when she phoned for an ambulance.
Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name's obliterated.
Man: No, my name's Peterson.
Mother: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt".
Daughter: "What happened to the flea?"
"That depends" says the vet, "what's wrong with the fleas?"
Archaeologists make the best marriage partners. The older you get the more interested they are in you!
In a survey conducted in London 95% of respondents said "I don't know". They were asked "What is the meaning of Je ne sais pas."
The doctor told me to avoid all dampness because of my arthritis. I now sit in the bath and vacuum cleans myself.
When I die, I hope to do so quietly in a bed surrounded by my loved ones. Not like my uncle. He died with a lot of people shouting and screaming all around him as he drove the bus over the cliff.
My neighbour is such a hypochondriac when he dies they'll bury him next to a doctor.
I went to see my doctor the other day. The poor man was ill, and it's nice to visit the sick, isn't it?
Whilst I was in hospital they took a full head to toe X ray of me. They showed me the photo. It was strange. I don't remember eating all those bones!
Binoculars is in the plural. The singular of binoculars is telescope.
I told the doctor I have water on the knee. He told me I am not aiming straight.
I took my first girl-friend to a French restaurant. She had frogs' legs. But the rest of her body was pretty.
The doctor asked me, "Do you have trouble passing water?" I told him I get dizzy crossing a river.
He has teeth like the Ten Commandments - all broken.
Two flies walking up a mirror? One says to the other, "That's another way of looking at it!"
A skunk running down the forest. Suddenly the wind changes direction. He stops and says, "Ah ... it's all coming back to me now!"
My grand-father used to say, "Always fight fire with fire!" That's why he lost his job in the fire brigade.
My other grand-father told me, "Always take everything with a pinch of salt!" Mind you, he made a terrible cup of tea.
The new pregnancy test clinic in town is very popular ... there's a nine months’ waiting list.
What a grand sunny day it is today. If I was working I’d take the day off.
I always plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me where I find the time. It’s there next to the sage.
I haven’t heard from my friend since he became a mime artist.
I got this new deodorant stick. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk with it, but when I "toot" I smell real nice.
I used to be a Bingo caller at our Catholic Church Club. I called the numbers in Latin to make sure only the Catholics win.
What do you call a sleep-walking Pope? A roaming Catholic.
A man goes to the hairdresser and asks to have his hair cut like the Pope's. The hairdresser tries his best to remember what the Pope looks like and ends up doing a bad haircut. The customer is livid and says, "the Pope does not look like this!"
The hairdresser replies, "He would do if he had his hair cut here!"
Isn't medical science wonderful? They can do so many marvellous things these days. Imagine they could transplant a new arm on your back. You'd be able to scratch the parts your current arms can't reach. Also, you'd be able to scrub your own back in the bath.
Imagine they transplanted an eye on your big toe. You would not stub your toe when walking in the dark. Or step on that Lego brick someone left on the floor.
You could shove your foot from under the blanket in bed and look out for any intruders whilst your asleep.
Medical science can make you look younger these days. They've invented this powerful vacuum suction machine which they put on your head and it sucks up all your loose skin, making it tighter and young looking.
A man I know tried it. They put the machine on his head and it sucked up all his skin upwards. He now has his navel pulled up to his forehead. He also has a very unusual tie.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"