Monday 7 December 2020

Not For The Ladies ...

 

THIS POST IS NOT FOR LADIES
OR PEOPLE WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED
 

I was at a business conference held in a hotel up North. At the same time as our conference there was a clowns gathering. There were clowns from all over the country there. All dressed in their circus costume in bright colours and most of them with red noses, painted faces, and orange, or blue or green hair.

In short, the place was full of clowns. Including those from our organisation who were soberly dressed in business suits but were clowns all the same.

I went to the Gents Restroom. There was a clown there holding a small dog and wearing those very long oversized shoes for comedic effect. You know the ones ... those shoes long at the front which allow you to lean forwards well out of the centre of gravity yet you do not fall on your face.

When I got in he asked me if I could hold his small dog so he could "point Percy at the porcelain" as they say in my circles.

I held the dog; but just as he approached the urinal he discovered that he was quite a distance away from it in order to do his business. He tried to lean forwards but that only brought his head near the receptacle, not his ...

He tried to twist his feet sideways, looking like a pregnant duck, so that he could approach nearer, but that did not help either.

He looked at me in despair as if to say "I REALLY must go ... can't hold it any longer."

I suggested he takes his shoes off. He said he could not do that because somehow they were attached to a contraption up his trouser legs which allowed him to lean forwards out of the centre of gravity. They were not ordinary shoes but a whole contraption fitting round his legs and feet.

I suggested he "goes like a lady" by sitting down in one of the cubicles. 

That did not work either because with his big feet the cubicle door would not shut. If he sat on the throne with the door open he'd be in full view of everyone ... and the dog. Also, the cubicle was not wide enough for him to turn round if he went in face forwards. So he backed into the cubicle. That did not work either because he discovered that his one piece costume would mean he has to get totally undressed. He'd only just met me ... remember. We were not friends or anything like that for him to disrobe in my presence!

Just at this moment another clown came in. One working for me in our organisation. Not a real clown.

He looked at me, then the clown, (the real one), then the dog, then at me and said nothing. He did his business.

I stopped him from leaving and explained the problem. 

He thought for a moment and then came up with the most ludicrous idea you could think of. He always did that at work. Totally unworkable ideas. I don't know why I did not fire him ... or get him promoted. It's always easier to promote useless people to a higher position.

I had done that once before. I had another useless worker and instead of firing him I engineered a promotion in another department. He was so grateful. Only, his new boss had the same idea as me and within a year the man was promoted again and returned to our department as my boss.

Anyway, back to the Restroom with the "two clowns and a dog". (Title for a song!)

My colleague suggested that the two of us pick up the clown, turn him upside down, and slowly bring him closer to the urinal so he can do his business.

At this point, my imagination was working just as yours is doing right now.

Picture the scene. Two men in business suits, pick up a clown with big feet upside down, they slowly and in unison approach the bowl, whilst he opens his zipper and gets relief.

I put the dog on the ground. Pushed a chair behind the door so that the small dog does not escape if anyone comes in.

We picked up the clown. As we got him in position upside down he said he was ticklish and started wriggling and laughing like a live eel chasing its partner. 

He slipped through our fingers and fell with a bump on his head. His laughter turned to cries just as the loudspeaker on the wall called me and my colleague back to the Conference Hall.

We ran out of the Gents Restroom and left him there with his dog.

Later on I saw him in the car park with his dog. He was still holding it ... the dog!

21 comments:

  1. ...these days the world seems to be overrun with clowns and not in a fun way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I had plenty of the them at work everyday.

      God bless you, Tom.

      Delete
  2. Based on the airport restroom floors i've come across, there must be a lot of clowns who fly.

    There may be a pun in there that was not intentional.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How nice to see you visiting us here again, JoeH. Thank you so much. I hope you and yours are well and that you're back to Blogging again.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  3. That clown needed a really big litter box!

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  4. Next time you see that clown, suggest that he borrow a page from the ballet playbook and stand in first or second position (with his heels facing together and toes pointed out). It would be awkward, but not nearly as awkward as being dumped on his head!

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    Replies
    1. AHA ... actually, I did suggest that, Kathy. When he stood on tip toes like ballet dancers, with his big shoes, his head hit the cealing and nearly broke a light.

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. Dearest Victor,
    Haha, next time such a clown should wear an adult diaper...!
    What a real circus in the gents room.
    Promoting and upcycling, then recycling clowns is another issue.
    Hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good idea, Mariette. A diaper would have been a good solution. And you are right, I should never have promoted my useless worker. He became my boss.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete
  6. Clowns seem to be everywhere we look. :)

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  7. I'm laughing so hard at this visual!
    I see your organization also subscribes to the Peter Principle.

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    Replies
    1. It's the visuals ... always the visuals. They get in the way!

      Yes, we had some incompetent people at the top.

      God bless, Mevely.

      Delete
  8. Now, that's some clowning around, Victor!
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. Yes ... with real clowns as well as business colleagues.

      God bless, Martha.

      Delete
  9. Since the post is not for ladies, i will skip it and simply say i hope you are not clowning around with us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Moi? Clowning around? Mais non mon amie!

      God bless, Mimi.

      Delete
  10. Can't come up with a comment for this one! But it sure made me laugh. :)

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    Replies
    1. It's good to laugh, Happyone. I'm glad you did.

      God bless.

      Delete

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