The Wedding Experience

 

 We attended a wedding recently.

 At the usual point in the ceremony the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, as it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

 

He waited for a few seconds and then said, "All right ... All right ... One at a time. Don't all speak at once!"

 

Sorry folks ... this is my sense of humour coming to the fore. It didn't happen that way.

 

I really should take ceremonies like this seriously. Which incidentally was exactly what I was told at my grandfather's funeral when I complained I could not get WiFi Internet connection in church to see the football results.

 

I really liked my grandfather. He told me once, "Never ever take advice from anyone!" So I ignored him.

 

I remember visiting him on his death bed in hospital. He said he was glad he was dying peacefully without a lot of people shouting and screaming and wailing around him as happened to his dad when he drove a bus over a cliff.

 

I had brought him a bunch of grapes. As he laid there reminiscing about his life I picked one grape at a time and ate it. Eventually I finished the whole bunch. 

 

He looked at the empty plate and mumbled "Selfish!" and died. And that's how I became a fishmonger.

 

Anyway, back to my wedding story. The priest asked if anyone had anything to say about the couple due to be married and waited.

 

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the priest slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. 

 

People turned round and murmured to each other.  

 

The bride turned round and felt a little wobbly. A bridesmaid led her to a nearby pew to sit down.

 

The groom's mother fainted. 

 

The groom and the best-man started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. 

 

The priest asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?"

 

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back." 

 

 *******

 

 Incidentally, at our own wedding some people thought it would be fun to spray our car with shaving foam. You know the one ... ready-made foam that comes out of a spray can. I pretended it was fun and we drove off.

 

The next day the foam had damaged the car's paintwork.

 

Can you imagine what this foam does to one's face. I have not shaved since. 

 

Yesterday I tripped on my beard and fell down the stairs.