The Wedding Experience

 

 We attended a wedding recently.

 At the usual point in the ceremony the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, as it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

 

He waited for a few seconds and then said, "All right ... All right ... One at a time. Don't all speak at once!"

 

Sorry folks ... this is my sense of humour coming to the fore. It didn't happen that way.

 

I really should take ceremonies like this seriously. Which incidentally was exactly what I was told at my grandfather's funeral when I complained I could not get WiFi Internet connection in church to see the football results.

 

I really liked my grandfather. He told me once, "Never ever take advice from anyone!" So I ignored him.

 

I remember visiting him on his death bed in hospital. He said he was glad he was dying peacefully without a lot of people shouting and screaming and wailing around him as happened to his dad when he drove a bus over a cliff.

 

I had brought him a bunch of grapes. As he laid there reminiscing about his life I picked one grape at a time and ate it. Eventually I finished the whole bunch. 

 

He looked at the empty plate and mumbled "Selfish!" and died. And that's how I became a fishmonger.

 

Anyway, back to my wedding story. The priest asked if anyone had anything to say about the couple due to be married and waited.

 

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the priest slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. 

 

People turned round and murmured to each other.  

 

The bride turned round and felt a little wobbly. A bridesmaid led her to a nearby pew to sit down.

 

The groom's mother fainted. 

 

The groom and the best-man started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. 

 

The priest asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward?"

 

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back." 

 

 *******

 

 Incidentally, at our own wedding some people thought it would be fun to spray our car with shaving foam. You know the one ... ready-made foam that comes out of a spray can. I pretended it was fun and we drove off.

 

The next day the foam had damaged the car's paintwork.

 

Can you imagine what this foam does to one's face. I have not shaved since. 

 

Yesterday I tripped on my beard and fell down the stairs.

It was NOT my fault

 

Why is it I get blamed for everything? It was NOT my fault, I tell you. I'm innocent. I'll let you be the judge of this.

It happened two weekends ago. On a Saturday. We were invited to a wedding. A friend of my wife was getting married. I hardly know her but the invitation was for two so I agreed to go with my wife. Besides, there was free food afterwards.

As the happy couple left the church they stopped by the door for photographs. The photographer asked all the guests to stand on either side of the couple, just out of sight of the camera, and on the count of three to throw confetti on the couple. You know what I mean ...  small pieces or streamers of coloured paper usually thrown at celebrations, especially parades and weddings. Some people also prefer to throw rice at the couple - uncooked of course. On this occasion it was just coloured pieces of paper - confetti.

I'd just received a text from my boss. An important business call. My wife gave me a packet of confetti. The photographer counted to three. We all threw the confetti at the newly marrieds.

So did I ... I threw the confetti in my hand including my cell-phone. 

It hit her hard in the eye. She screamed. The cell-phone hit the ground. I wondered who's the idiot who threw the phone at the bride. I did not know it was me ... until everyone looked at me ... she started crying. Her husband comforted her, so did the bride-maids, the photographer, the priest, the guests, including one of them who was a doctor, and another one who was a lawyer and another one who was a policeman.

Just my luck. Why did she not invite a judge too and an executioner?

It was not my fault I tell you. It was my boss. He's the one who texted me at the wrong time. 

At the reception afterwards she had a black-eye which looked as if she'd been at a boxing match.

She was nice about it and understanding. Her husband wasn't. He glared at me. All the guests were whispering, "he's the one who threw the phone at her".

I tell you ... why are people so mean? It's not as if I did it on purpose. 

They're on honeymoon now. We've received a letter from them. Well, my wife did. They told her not to feel so bad about it all. They also said that the hotel manager on seeing the bride's black eye threatened to call the police thinking her husband had done it. He just would not believe they were on honeymoon. 

He asked, "So what is this? Marriage at first fight?"

My wife is still not speaking to me. (At least I can watch sports on TV in silence). She blames me for it all.

What do you think? Was it my fault? Or my boss's fault? Or the photographer perhaps for suggesting the whole stupid thing?   

Wedding Invitation

 

Dear Dad,

How are you? I phoned you several times and left messages on your answering machine. I texted you and you did not respond. Now I am writing an old fashioned letter.

I'm getting married in the New Year and would like you to be there. Mom will be there too. I know the two of you have not spoken since the divorce, but it would be nice to have you there as a family on our day.

Your loving son.

 

Dear Son,

I shall not attend. Nothing to do with your mother.

Dad.

 

Dear Dad,

Why then? Why will you not attend Dad?

Your son.

 

Son,

Simply because you did not attend my wedding!

Dad.

 

Dear Dad,

But ... but ... I wasn't even born at your wedding with Mom. That's why I did not attend.

Your loving son.

 

Son,

That's a feeble excuse. I still would have liked you to have been there, carrying the ring perhaps ... but your mother insisted we got married before you were born. So if you're looking for a scapegoat then look at her ... not me. I was happy to wait until you were born and able to walk so you could bring the ring in church. It would have been lovely to see you there as a toddler. But she refused. She was so unreasonable from the start. She wanted to get married quickly before anyone noticed she was pregnant!

Dad

 

My Dear Dad,

This is all news to me. You mean to say Mom was pregnant when you got married? Was I a wanted baby? Am I the reason you two got married?

I spoke to Mom and she said I was a loved baby well before I was born. And that you two loved each other so much. But you wanted to wait for 18 months before you got married. Why did you want to wait for so long, by which time I would have been a toddler?

Your loving son.

 

Well son,

If you really want to know; I was selected for the world series golf tournament which, including the preliminaries, would have taken that long until we reached the finals. I had a good chance of being a finalist and really had no time to waste getting married and raising a child whilst practising my game daily and playing various elimination rounds up and down the country. 

Did your mother understand? NOOOOOO ... She was too unreasonable and wanted to get married as soon as she got pregnant. So this is what we did, and you missed my wedding, and now I am missing yours. 

By the way, I wonder if you've invited this year's golf champion? Just asking.

Dad.

 

Yes Dad ... he'll be there.

 

My dearest wonderful son,

I'll be there . I am so happy for you. I wouldn't miss your wedding for the world!

Your loving Dad.

Wedding Anniversary Blues

 

It was our first Wedding Anniversary. And I forgot it was our first Wedding Anniversary ... ... ...

MEN: If you want to always remember your Wedding Anniversary try forgetting it once; from then on your wife will make sure you remember it.

So I forgot our Anniversary. After work my work mates and I went to the pub. I was told most real business is carried out in the pub around the pool table or the dart board. So we discussed various works contracts, then we talked politics, and football, and we put the world to right, and tried various beers and then liquors and at about 11:00 o'clock my mates put me in a taxi and pointed in the right direction home.

I did not know that my wife had planned a surprise First Wedding Anniversary Party. I mean ... how was I to know there was a surprise party if she had not told me there would be one? What's more, she had invited her parents who had driven over 60 miles to be with us that evening. Now, that's a surprise ... who ever invites the in-laws to a surprise Wedding Anniversary Party? 

I arrived home in the taxi to find out that they had the Anniversary Party without me. That's hardly conducive to a nice evening ahead is it?

All I remember after so many drinks is that I put the cat out and went up to bed.

The next morning I realised that we do not have a cat.

I had put the mother-in-law out who at the time was wearing a fur coat. I don't even remember seeing father-in-law. As usual he was like a wet lettuce all hen-pecked and ordered about by his monster of a wife.

Not like me ... I am the master of my house ... if my wife lets me!

No Wedding and Two Funerals

 

Funerals aren't much fun. Especially when there's no WiFi reception in church and I cannot get the football game on my cell-phone. Why do people die when there's a good match on TV?

Anyway, I had to attend a work's colleague's funeral. I did not know him that well; just a nodding acquaintance really. He led the Health and Safety monthly sessions and I nodded when falling asleep.

He was a keen musician in his spare time. He led the orchestra; safely I hope. His name was Phil R Moniker; although we used to call him Ivan Accident. (I'm good at making up names, don't you think?)

Anyway, the funeral service was not too long and incident free. Apart from the moment when the vicar caught his garments on the candle and nearly set himself on fire. Oh ... and also when one of the assistants was swinging that incense burner thing a little enthusiastically and hit an elderly lady in the face. She started crying and wailing and no one knew whether it was because of the pain or whether she was grieving Phil's departure.

Eventually, Phil departed to the cemetery, followed by a procession of cars filled with mourners.

I knew a short-cut, so I took a turning to the left and went via the out-of-town route. Unfortunately I got caught in heavy traffic and by the time I got there a number of people were standing around the grave.

The coffin had already been lowered into the ground and the vicar present ended his prayers with "May she rest in Peace".

"She?" I thought. Is there something about Phil R Moniker that I do not know? 

I was so busy analysing what I just heard that I did not notice that this was a totally different vicar conducting the proceedings. Also, the audience, (is that what you call them?), were different to the one's in church half-an-hour earlier. 

In my haste to get to the cemetery I had totally lost the plot! (Clever pun, don't you think?)

I was at the cemetery North of town instead of the one near the motorway.

I was about to retreat discreetly when I was approached by one of the mourners.

"She'll be really missed!" he said.

"Yes ... very much so ..." I said unconvincingly.

"Did you know her well?" he asked.

"Ehm ... years ago ... when I worked in London ... haven't seen her since," I lied so convincingly that I almost believed it.

"Really?" he said raising an eyebrow, "I did not know she lived in London. She said she hated it so much. Too busy, she said!"

"That's probably why she left," I lied to myself and to him once more, "too many people in London ... so busy!"

"It's tragic, the way she died ..." he continued as we were making our way out of the cemetery.

Now I was in real trouble. What do I say? I don't even know her name, never mind how she died. I remained silent. He continued after a few seconds.

"Knitting whilst sitting on the toilet!" he lamented.

I made some excuse about a meeting I had to be at and jumped in my car in a hurry! 

Mean Old Trout

I don't know if it is the same where you live, but here in the UK, when a couple are getting married they prepare a Wedding Gift List. This is a list of all the items they need to set up home together. Guests pick an item they'd like to purchase, tell the couple, and it is crossed off the list. So be quick to choose the cheap items like "a bottle opener" otherwise other people will choose the cheap item and you'll have to buy an expensive one.

In this electronic day and age, a number of shops have prepared wedding lists on their websites. The couple to be married tell their guests where to access the list of their chosen shop. Guests go on the internet, choose a gift and pay for it, and the shop delivers it on the wedding day. I don't like this idea because it ties you down to the shop the couple have chosen, and some greedy couples will choose the most expensive shop, whereas I could buy them the same item from a garage sale at a cheaper price. Admittedly it will need cleaning a bit; but who cares. When you get married happiness is above all else; not gifts!

When I got married I did not want to prepare a list; but tradition is tradition after all.

The list proved useless. Not one guest bought us anything from our list. I had asked for a new house, a car, a luxury holiday, jewelleries, and similar small trinkets. But instead we got toasters, ironing boards, kettles, tea pots and similar small items. Let's face it, the price of a toaster is much much less than the guests would have consumed in food and drinks at our wedding. So I was out of pocket from the start. I remember it cost us a fortune getting my favourite hamburger bar to prepare all those meals with French fries and milk shakes.

Now many years later, I have grown older and wiser. I tell friends and family not to give us Christmas presents; but if anyone breaks the agreement and gives us something anyway, I wait until after Christmas and buy them something in the winter sales. Either that, or recycle some present that someone else has given us.

It's surprising how many good things you can buy in the sales. The other day I bought a shirt from the shop. The sign said "20% OFF" so it was a bargain. When I got home I found out they had cut the sleeves off.

What is the most useless present you have received?

PHOTO FROM OUR WEDDING

Ah ... but WERE they strapless dresses or ... ... ... 

Wedding.

I received an invitation to a wedding today. It’s six months away so the young couple have plenty of time to prepare for the day in question and for a lifetime together.

Weddings are wonderful. They are a public declaration of one’s love for another but, more important, they are a sign of hope. Hope that all will be well, and despite what may lie ahead there’s hope and commitment to remain together come what may.

This set me thinking.

Archaeologists make the best marriage partners. The older you get the more interested they are in you.

I thought I’d share this wisdom with you. In case any singles out there are looking for a partner.