Bonzo Bookshelf

 

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BONZO BOOKSHELF

LITERARY AGENT FOR VICTOR MOUBARAK

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BOOKS HERE

Bonzo Bookshelf Junior

BONZO BOOKSHELF JUNIOR

Bonzo: Hello Mr Moubarak. Come in. Sit down.

Me: How do you do?

Bonzo: Do what?

Me: No ... ehm ... I meant how do you do ... like a greeting ... hello! 

Bonzo: Whatever ... well, we haven't met. I have just taken over the agency from my father who has fallen in love with a gorilla and moved back to the zoo. So I am making a point of meeting all our clients to see how we can help. Now remind me ... how many books have you written?

Me : Erm ... twenty five.

Bonzo: Twenty five? You should go out more often. Get a life man!

Me: Some are humourous books, whilst other are somewhat more serious and Christian based ...

Bonzo: So I see ... Tell me do you advertise on TV, billboards, in magazines ... that sort of thing?

Me: No ... I don't have an advertising budget. I prefer my readers to get my books through recommendations, word of mouth and ...

Bonzo: Yeah ... Yeah ... do you at least have a website?

Me: Yes ... I have two. One for my Christian books which you can access HERE. And another which sets out all my books, Christian and humourous, which you can link to HERE.

Bonzo: Uh Hmm ... I see ... Your books are not expensively priced ... why is that?

Me: The intention is not to make money. The price of the books is based on production costs and postage. The royalties I get are very low ...

Bonzo: No wonder you pay us peanuts then? 10% of little is very little indeed. 

Me: Well ... I thought that ...

Bonzo: WAIT A MINUTE !!! Are you mad Mister? It says on this website of yours that you are giving some of your books for FREE. For FREEEE!!!! Well ... i'll be a monkey's uncle ... when my sister has her baby that is ... Why are you giving away books for FREE?

Me: Well ... my intention is that people would like what I write and then get to read my Christian books and ...

Bonzo: Giving away books for FREE!!! Well that's an excellent business model that is. I must have missed that lesson when I attended my Business Degree Course at University. How to run a successful business by giving away your products and services for FREE ... Are you trying to make a monkey out of me? No wonder my dad gave up the business and shacked up with a gorilla instead.

Me: well ... I thought ...

Bonzo: That's the problem with you ... you thought ... well, stop thinking and leave the planning to me ... People these days want to know the person behind the author. Who are you? What kind of person are you? They like to get to know you ... and a heart-rending story helps ... it makes them like you more ...

Me: Eh ... what ... what do you mean?

Bonzo: You know ... if we tell them a sad story about you they'll get to like you, feel sorry for you and buy your books. I can arrange to have you run over by an elephant for example.

Me: WHAT?

Bonzo: There's this elephant I know ... Jumbo ... ever so gentle despite his name ... He could step on you gently ... works for peanuts ...

Me: No way ...

Bonzo: How about a bear then ... He could bite you in the backside. That would be both humourous and sad ... a bit like you really. And he'll do it for a jar of honey ...

Bonzo: What if I were to get Springy the snake to bite you? He is not poisonous ... but your readers won't know. They'll feel sorry for you and ...

Me: No ... definitely not ... no elephants ... bears ... snakes or anything else. I'll just let my readers find all my books, those they pay for and those that are FREE, from my website and that will be enough. All they have to do is click HERE.