Let Us Cheer Up

I was in a bar last night when the bartender said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

======================

I just read a list of “100 Things to Do Before You Die”. I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

======================

A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No," shouts the man, "this is her husband."  

======================

My dad used to say, "always fight fire with fire!"

 

This is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

======================

I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

======================

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

======================

I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater. I didn’t even know they could knit!

=====================

I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but the celery is good. 

=====================

A man goes to the doctor and said, "Every time I walk my bottom whistles!"

The doctor does not believe him and he asks him to walk up and down the room. The man walks backwards and forwards, and sure enough, with every step he takes his bottom whistles, "Fuit ... Fuit ... Fuit ..."

 

The doctor is astounded and says he needs to take a recording of this. He asks the man to walk again and he records his whistling bottom.

 

(You'll like the punchline ... I can't wait to hear it myself ... that's why I'm typing so fast ...)

 

Anyway, the doctor takes the tape recording to a consultant expert doctor specialising in unusual bodily functions.

 

He plays the tape and asks him what he thinks of it.

 

The consultant says, "It's some silly ass whistling!"

I had my potential spotted. The doctor gave me an ointment for it.

===================

I went out with a lady contortionist. She turned the other cheek.

====================

Are you dyslectic? If so, put a bick in this tox.

=================== 

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE WEBSITE

Cheers ... I think

If I do have one regret it is that I don't drink. Not much, anyway. I know I often joke that I have cheese and whisky before going to bed; but truth be known I don't drink very much. I may have the odd drop of whisky on special occasions, say once every six to eight weeks, probably rarer. And indeed, I do like Guinness. It is my favourite brew. But I drink very occasionally a bottle or a can. In fact, I probably would be classified as a non-drinker. It just does not appeal to me.

Sometimes people give me drinks as presents for Christmas or other occasions. Spirits or wines; and to be honest I just re-cycle them and give them to other people.

The reason I said I regret not drinking is because I just love the bottles.

I had a few moments to spare the other day at a supermarket. I was waiting for someone; so I picked up a trolley and wondered around aimlessly.

I stopped by the drinks aisle and I was astounded at the number of different brands of drinks there on display. There were no fewer than thirty different brands of gin alone. Gin from London, Edinburgh, other parts of Scotland and elsewhere. And rum, and vodka, and tequila, and brandy, and whisky. From every corner of the world.

There were more than half-a-dozen brands of American whiskey, (I like the way they spell it with an E). Some were called bourbon, and proudly mentioned their place of origin - Kentucky, Tennessee, Colorado and so on. There were whiskys from every corner of Scotland it seems. And the bottles ... oh the bottles ... and the labels! Aren't they just beautiful?

There were every shape of bottle you can imagine. Traditional, square ones, rounded ones like a globe, bell shaped ones. And the labels. So beautiful. So well designed. So evocative.

I moved on to other drinks. The rum section had so many wonderful labels with pictures of pirates, old style sailing ships and so on. Vodka ... gin ... ouzo ... liqueurs. All had wonderful names and labels that made the bottle jump off the shelf and shout "Buy me".

I moved on to the wine section; and then the beers and ciders. The same wonders applied there too. So many brands. So many names. So many wonderful wonderful labels.

If I could, I would have bought them all. Not for drinking, of course. All those bottles and cans would last me for an eternity. No, not for drinking ... just to look at them. To pick up every bottle and read the labels; every word thereon. And admire the elaborate multi-coloured drawings and masterpieces on each label.

So ... what does that make me? I like drink bottles and cans of every kind and of every type of drink. But I personally don't drink. In fact, I have never tasted vodka, or gin, or tequila, or ...

Come to think of it; the only two drinks I have ever had are beer and whisky, and rarely a drop of wine.

What's your favourite drink?

Don't say nettles or dandelion tea, please !!!!