Monday, 30 May 2022

Let Us Cheer Up


I was in a bar last night when the bartender said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

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I just read a list of “100 Things to Do Before You Die”. I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

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A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No," shouts the man, "this is her husband."  

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My dad used to say, "always fight fire with fire!"

 

This is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

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I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

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My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

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I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater. I didn’t even know they could knit!

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I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but the celery is good. 

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A man goes to the doctor and said, "Every time I walk my bottom whistles!"


The doctor does not believe him and he asks him to walk up and down the room. The man walks backwards and forwards, and sure enough, with every step he takes his bottom whistles, "Fuit ... Fuit ... Fuit ..."

 

The doctor is astounded and says he needs to take a recording of this. He asks the man to walk again and he records his whistling bottom.

 

(You'll like the punchline ... I can't wait to hear it myself ... that's why I'm typing so fast ...)

 

Anyway, the doctor takes the tape recording to a consultant expert doctor specialising in unusual bodily functions.

 

He plays the tape and asks him what he thinks of it.

 

The consultant says, "It's some silly ass whistling!"



I had my potential spotted. The doctor gave me an ointment for it.

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I went out with a lady contortionist. She turned the other cheek.

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Are you dyslectic? If so, put a bick in this tox.

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FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE WEBSITE

21 comments:

  1. Better join in l suppose..Don't wanna get
    excommunicated...
    One day a Catholic an Anglican and a Methodist
    decided to go fishing..
    They got in their boat and rowed their way over
    to the middle of the lake..

    The Catholic remarked, 'I've forgotten my hat,' so
    he got up, got out of the boat and walked across
    the water...

    He returned and the Anglican said, 'I've forgotten
    the fishing bait,' so he got up, climbed out of the
    boat and walked across the water..

    He came back and the Methodist murmured,
    'I've forgotten the beer.' He got up, jumped
    out of the boat and was standing in the water
    then he sank..

    The Anglican turned to the Catholic and asked,
    'Do you think we ought to tell him were the
    stepping stones are?'...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Early one Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake
    up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to Church!'

    'But why, Mother? I don't want to go.'

    'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
    'Well, one they all hate me at Church, and two
    the sermons are boring!'

    'Those are not good reason for not to going to
    Church..
    Get up and get ready.' 'Give me two reasons
    why I should go to Church.'

    'Well, for one, you're 55 years old... And for another,
    you're the Pastor!'...! :).

    Footnote:~ Please write to Victor if you have any
    clean Christian jokes...!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good jokes, Willie.

      The only clean Christian joke I know is this one:

      https://timeforreflections.blogspot.com/2019/09/the-priests-bicycle.html

      God bless.

      Delete
    2. Opened up as Lund University..(outer space)...
      then mostly blank pages Victor...!

      Delete
    3. It's o.k. Victor..I googled 'the priests bicycle'
      and up it came..l had heard it before..lots
      of jokes about the 10 commandments...! :0).

      Delete
  2. ...some days it's easier to stay cheery!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, Tom. We should try though.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  3. I love this song Victor, even singing it makes me happy. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This song was made famous by Ken Dodd.

      God bless, Brenda.

      Delete
  4. Okay my friend, we did laugh when we read:..... “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

    I said, “No, but he wants to be.”
    But your imitation of Father Francis was the best. Loved the words.... Be safe ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad you laughed at my silliness, Jack.

      I have known Fr Francis Maple for a number of years and put some of his songs on YouTube. He sings to raise money for charity.

      God bless.

      Delete
  5. Dearest Victor,
    Great humor here!
    Finally after twice going to the airport, I got across the pond and landed this morning around 9:00.
    Hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So glad to hear you finally got a flight, Mariette. Enjoy your holiday and have fun.

      God bless you and Pieter.

      Delete
  6. That 'yell for help' nearly made me spit my coffee! Thanks for the giggles -- AND the opportunity to sing along with Father again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That song always cheers me up, Mevely. It's good to giggle and smile.

      God bless always.

      Delete
  7. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

    Happy Monday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good one, Mimi. I like it.

      God bless you and yours.

      Delete

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God bless you.