English as she is spoke

 

We are forever inventing new catch phrases and meaningless sayings which are often repeated to the point of becoming inane nonsense.

I received an e-mail the other day which said: Hi, I am Wendy, your Carbon Neutral Living Customer Advisor.  

What does that mean and what has it to do with a company selling books?

I replied: Happy to hear it, Wendy. Every day I burn my toast to a cinder and cremate the roast when I put it in the oven. At least you are off-setting any carbon that I produce.

Her e-mail went on to say how her company has reduced their carbon footprint. What's all that about? Did they give everyone smaller shoes?

An Organisation I know has a Company slogan for their staff "Unlock Your Potential". Another nonsense. Why is peoples' potential locked in the first place? You employ people to work. If they are not giving it 100% you fire them. That's how it was in my time. You don't exhort people to unlock anything.

A similar slogan I heard is "move out of your comfort zone". What does this really mean? People in life hope to live it comfortably not to go out of their way to make it difficult. What good would it do me if I moved out of my comfort zone and sat on a cactus or porcupine; it will hardly do any good for my potential!

On TV the other day a Union leader talking about a dispute said they were going to have meaningful discussions with management. Implying that up to now they were talking nonsense and shouting Yabooo Hisss and sticking their tongues out at each other.

Other silly phrases often used are global warming, climate change, environmentally friendly, no pain no gain, you can be whatever you want to be, and so on. 

The last one in particular is false. These days of automation and mechanisation and AI many people will not reach their full potential no matter how hard they try. When I was young my parents used to say, you can be whatever you want to be. I wanted to be a bicycle. That didn't happen!

English as it is spoke

 

Believe it or not, the two people above are speaking English ... or is it Scottish ... or Australian?

The English language seems to have developed and changed through time as well as geography. In the UK we say chips to mean fried sticks of potatoes, (French fries), and in the USA it means those crispy slices of potatoes which we call crisps. We say lift, you say elevator. We say petrol you say gas ... and so on.

Even in the UK, a small island just North of Europe the size of a postage stamp, we have different meanings for the same words. And different accents too. 

Up in Scotland we have different accents in Edinburgh and in Glasgow, a distance of just a few miles, (or inches if viewed on the map). 

Then we also have Welsh and Irish accents as well as the many accents in England itself. Someone from Liverpool would sound totally different than from Manchester, or from Birmingham, Norfolk, Cornwall or London. In fact in London you'd find different accents depending from which part of London you come from.

Here are some Scottish words and their meaning:

You ken - you know.

Braw - excellent or pleasant.

Dreich - dreary, dull or gloomy.

Eejit – Idiot (this word is also used in Ireland).

Canny – Careful, or sometimes Clever

Dinnae – Don’t

I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug – I’ll give you a slap on the ear!

Yer bum’s oot the windae - actual translation: ‘your bottom is out of the window’; meaning You are talking rubbish, or even You’re not making any sense.

And now some Cockney London Rhyming Slang.

Adam and Eve - meaning "believe" - Would you Adam and Eve it? (Would you believe it?)

Apples and Pears - meaning "stairs" - He went up the apples and pears.

Barney Rubble - meaning "trouble" - He is real Barney Rubble he is!

Brahms and Liszt - meaning "pissed" (drunk) - He came out of the pub totally Brahms and Liszt.

Bristol - short for a football team called Bristol City - which rhymes with titty meaning breast. So you would say - She had some large Bristols on her. Or, look at those Bristols.

Butcher's - short for butcher's hook - rhyming with and meaning "look" - Let me have a butchers at it. (Let me look at it).

Dog and bone - phone. I spoke to her on the dog and bone. She said her dog's meat (feet) hurt her and she had an itch on her fireman's hose (nose) and a pain in her Gregory Peck (neck). She went out and crossed the frog and toad (road) to fetch her dustbin lid (kid). When he got home, her dustbin lid (kid) was Hank Marvin (starving) and wanted feeding; but he said he wanted a Jimmy Riddle (piddle = urinate) first. So he went up the apples and pears - or tables and chairs (stairs) and pointed Percy to the porcelain (pointed his man bits to the porcelain urinal or toilet). She called him down but he must have been Mutt and Jeff (deaf) at the time because he didn't answer her.

She heard him wash his hands with a bit of Bob Hope (soap) and then he had a bread and cheese (sneeze) because he was coming down with a cold. He sat in front of the custard and jelly (telly = TV) and watched the baked bean (queen) give her Christmas address to the nation.

Enough Cockney Rhyming Slang for now. I'll say goodbye and go to the trouble and strife (wife) in the hope that she's got a Vera Lynn (gin) ready for me.

Tara now!

Status Quo Ad Infinitum Cave Canem

 

Amazing how we put up with things and let them continue rather than taking action to remedy the situation. Like the tiny spider we allow to escape up the wall and let him create cobwebs everywhere which we shall have to clean afterwards. Or the squeaky door hinge that we tolerate rather than apply a tiny spot of oil to smooth over our lives. Or worse still, the use of bad grammar when speaking or writing.

I went up to the bedroom and threw out the bed; it was high time it became my room I reasoned in a fit of pique. It is MY room not the bed's room! The same applied to the bathroom and dining room. Why have we allowed our language to let furniture appropriate room space in what is in effect my house, my rooms and my space?

"With this I shall put up no longer!" I cried out of the window ensuring that I do not end a phrase with a preposition.

"To what are you referring, kind Sir?" asked a passer-by in proper grammatical English.

"To whatever the particular situation happens to apply at the time in question," I said emphatically.

At this point a flying crow off-loaded the rejects of its digestive system upon my head. 

"Get in and stop acting the fool," said my wife from the kitchen. 

I shut the window and went to the bathroom to clean myself, but alas it was there no more. It was an empty room devoid of the furnishing accoutrements which make up a bathroom. It was just a vacant empty shell where once it was a central functioning facility.

Tired and exhausted I went to the bedroom and lay on the floor.