Now, I am not against giving money to charity or for a good cause. Indeed I am known for my generosity and I often give at least one penny at the Sunday collection in church; even on those days when we Catholics excel at having a second and sometimes a third collection. That's three pennies in one day, I tell you.
No; what I am talking about is fund-raising when people approach you and say that they will do something or other if you would sponsor them for charity. Often it is relatives or friends and you are immediately put under an obligation to put your hand in your pocket and sponsor them. You can't make an excuse that you have given to charity once already this year. Sometimes the cause they are raising funds for is not one that you support anyway. Like raising money for the Home For Distressed Weasels; or Counselling Services for Failed Psychiatrists; or the Museum of Shoes Through the Centuries. The other day someone knocked at my door collecting for fallen women! I told him I haven't got any.
All these collections and fund-raising is wrong, very wrong, I tell you.
If someone wants to walk 50 or so miles for charity why should I be punished by paying for it? If they want to take some exercise by walking aimlessly and hopefully lose some weight in the process, let them do so. Why should I pay for it?
Or pay for people to swim long distances, or abseil down a building, or parachute from a plane.
I have never seen the point of giving money to charity. You give money away and ... that's it. Nothing happens. You are financially worse off in this transaction.
It's ridiculous, I tell you. And just as ridiculous are the lengths people are prepared to go to to separate you from your hard earned pennies.
A friend of mine suggested the other day that if he were to grow a beard for a whole month I should sponsor him to back a particular charity. Well, I don't buy that. If he wants to be scruffy for a month that's his business.
Whatever next, I ask you? Will people volunteer to have a tattoo on their backside to be sponsored for charity? Mind you, if that person were a woman and she agreed to show me proof of the tattoo I might well be persuaded to contribute a penny or two.
Here in the UK we've had calendars printed by various people with women posing nude in aid of charities. The calendars are sold amongst family and friends to raise money for charity. There are similar male calendars too; but not as good, I tell you.
Now I don't know about you, but would you want a photo of Mrs Groggins down the road posing nude next to a tractor on a farm, or on a beach somewhere, or whatever. Would you hang such a photo on your wall at home or in the office? Or Mr Marmaduke sitting with his assets on full show on a horse, or milking a cow?
These people are not professional models. They are people from every walk of life willing to air their differences in front of a camera for a cause they deeply believe in. Laudable as it may be, I doubt that a display of skin which needs ironing will make me dig deep in my pockets.
More to the point, would you pose nude for charity? Imagine a charitable cause that is very close to your heart; someone or something that urgently requires funds; would you bare all to help them raise the money needed? What charity or special cause would that be?
Anyway, just to prove that I am not a miserly Ebenezer Scrooge let me tell you right now that I am doing something for charity. Perhaps you would be inclined to donate.
I shall be going on a first class holiday on a nice sunny beach for a fortnight or so where I will enjoy the local amenities and fine foods for a charity close to my heart - namely me. Will you sponsor me?
